Funny Fates
by Naz-G
Summary: When Madara took over Konoha, Tsunade and her allies fled and became missing nin, then the fates made them allies of Akatsuki under Pein. Said fates have also decided to make that damned Uchiha Itachi much sexier than he should be. Let the madness begin.
1. Chapter 1

**Funny Fates 1.**

I was going to _kill _him.

The second I found my colleagues and we got our shit together, I would give it everything I had and annihilate him from the very existence of this goddamned earth.

The direction of my thoughts fuelled my anger, and fed up of running, I stood in the middle of the field I'd just landed in. Oh, I was pissed, and ready. Uchiha Madara wanted me, he was going to have to come for me.

It had been my third year as a missing nin. The last person I had contact with was Ten-Ten, and that was two and a half months ago. I hadn't seen her prior to that meeting since we fled Konoha together, and though we had just about half an hour to spend, I was so happy to see her, I was crying like a toddler and blubbering all over the place in my extreme joy. Neji and Hinata were fine, she said, and Chouji had smuggled out another few booklets of food vouchers. Kami-sama bless his soul. I literally survived on that stuff. Ino, Shikamaru, Kiba, and Shino were all fine too, and Shikaku-san, Shikamaru's father was constantly in touch with Jiraiya-sama. Madara and his cromies still hadn't discovered he was using the Nara forest animals to do so. He really was the most brilliant Shinobi of his time, a true genius.

"Come on the fuck out, you bastards, because if you make me come and look for you, I'm not really sure that fossilized excuse of a shinobi will ever find you, eternal mangekyou sharingan notwithstanding," I snarled, sending chakra to my fists.

Breaking up the ground and surrounding areas would only give me a disadvantage, since it's four against one. This was a battle of stealth.

I looked up to the sky, tears clouding my eyes slightly. I clenched my fists, the leather grinding against itself. This battle was for Kakashi-sensei, who taught me that stealth would be my best weapon, particularly as an ANBU. I hadn't heard from him in two or so years. Ten-Ten assured me he was fine. After all, he was the Copy Ninja, and he _never _died easily. Despite this, I could see the worry in her eyes.

I really wondered if he always knew if all this shit would happen, if we would all become missing nin eventually. He taught us about ANBU inside out, brutally training us until were the best. I guess he always did, and never really told us because he knew we were too immature to understand it yet, and ruthless as she was, life really was the best teacher.

I let out a harsh bark of laughter. He may have been the crappiest, laziest, and the worst influence as a teacher, but as a shinobi, he indeed was one of the most brilliant in the village, a true genius.

I reached up for the special kunai in my pocket, the ones with a silver handle and fingerless gloves carved on the blade and a wolf face on the handle. I'd win this. For my sensei, I'd fucking win this.

A reckless, sadistic smirk curved on my lips, and the tears flowed freely from my eyes.

"Showtime," I muttered.

...

I was conscious. My head was killing me, and the last time I had pain going through my body this badly was the day we snuck back into Konoha to get Kurenai-sensei and her baby out. I had run so far and so fast, that I just collapsed from chakra, mental and physical exhaustion, fell right of a tree I was supposed to have landed on. I had a fully packed first aid box next to me, bandages, ointments and antiseptics, and I was surrounded by a strong genjutsu when I woke up. There was a note next to me and it was written in Shihsou's hand, and she downright _demanded _that I survived to see her again.

"Why do I have to go check on her, yeah? I've been doing it for the past week, and she's still out cold, yeah," I heard a familiar, cocky voice say.

"Just shut the fuck up, shitface and get get your fucking gay ass in there. Jeez, you asshole," a rougher, _louder_, much less refined voice replied. I furrowed my eyebrows with my eyes still closed, not at all appreciating the volume.

"Fucking Konoha shinobi," the earlier voice grumbled.

"Stupid pink haired brat. What the fuck is she goo-"

Moving with a speed Kakashi-sensei would be damn proud of, I lifted my fist and it connected with jawbone. There were many loud crashes and a final boom. I cracked my eyes open slightly, and I saw a thick cloud of smoke arising, teetering on the periphery of my vision. I opened my eyes fully, glare firmly placed on my face, and saw the chakra glowing on my fist.

I released the chakra from my fist, before I heard a familiar lazy baritone drawl "It seems she's awake, and she's never changed."

I slowly eased myself to sitting position, and the pounding in my head tripled. I closed my eyes again, and slowly willed the pain away. God I hated chakra exhaustion.

I opened my eyes and saw a human-shaped hole through about four or so walls. There was rubble at the very end, and it seemed the idiot I punched was stopped by something hard which prevented his further momentum.

My eyes widened as I saw the person jumping over said rubble and the idiot in it, walking through the series of holes I made. The silver hair was an unruly mop on his head, slanted as usual to some degree. The ever-present mask, jounin jacket, navy blue slacks, navy blue shirt, fingerless ANBU gloves and the green cover of the famed Icha Icha Tactics.

"Hello Sakura."

I wanted to cry, laugh, dance and yell all at the same time. "Kakashi-sensei," I croaked. Forgetting my pain, I lunged myself onto him and I never let go. I felt him wrap his arms around me, and he buried his head onto my shoulder.

"I'm so glad to see you. I'm so glad that you're alive. Most importantly, I'm so glad those bastards didn't get you," he mumbled gently in my shoulder, his voice cracking with emotion.

"Sakura?" I heard another familiar voice. I lifted my head from Kakashi-sensei's shoulder and looked up. Slowly, one by one, the people I fled my beloved home with appeared.

Shizune nee was the one that called my name. Then Lee appeared. He was followed closely behind by Ten-Ten, Gai-sensei and Kurenai-sensei and her little boy, Roku. He was the only member of a clan that was not in Konoha, for Madara held them all hostage when he invaded the village.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I was lost for words. Some of these shinobi, like Lee and Gai-sensei I hadn't seen for three years.

"Oh my God," I choked on my tears. "Everyone, you're all here."

Shizune nee smiled, tears threatening to flow from her eyes. "Yes, Sakura, we're all here."

"Naruto...where's Naruto?" I asked, remembering how he almost lost his life causing havoc in Konoha so the rest of us could escape.

Right on cue, I heard a cool, calm collected baritone. "Do be quiet, Naruto. You're exceptionally noisy today. Yes, you defeated the brat, but really, that is no legitimate reason to render the rest of us deaf."

"Did you see that, Pein? I pwned him. I pwned his pretty boy ass, dattebayo. I suck at genjutsu, but I still got past him and pwned his lazy ass self into next year. I'm awesome. Sakura-chan will be so happy with me, then she'll beat you up, temee."

That voice. Loud, obnoxious and every inch as knuckle-headedly bratty as I last heard it. It could only belong to one person.

"Shut up, gaki. No wonder we left when we did." A demanding yet feminine voice ordered.

A numerous number of sighs could be heard, before I heard a mischievous voice. "Ne, Sasuke-chan, I have to agree with Naruto on this one. You really sucked today."

"Naruto? Naruto? Where are you?"I yelled suddenly, my joy overriding all other senses.

It was suddenly quiet, before I saw the blindingly orange tracksuit, the bright blonde hair. He turned to look at me, and those bright blue eyes had never changed even one bit.

"Saukra-chan," he said in a more sedate, mature manner. Ten-Ten was right. Being a missing nin had forced him to grow up. "You're awake. How are you feeling?"

Without missing a beat and promptly answering his question, I let go of Kakashi-sensei and immediately flung myself onto him, the tears pouring freely from my eyes.

"I missed you, you obnoxious idiot. I really, really missed you," I whispered, voice hoarse from a combination of chakra exhaustion and crying.

"I missed you too, Sakura-chan," he replied as he wrapped his arms around me. He had become so much more muscular. "Ne, Sakura-chan, is it just me, or have your boobs gotten a-"

I hit his head, hard, like I used to back in Konoha. That short memory brought back untold joy I've never felt in a very long time, and I could not help but fling myself onto him again.

He had never changed, and he would never, ever change. He was still Naruto. Disturbingly powerful, but my ever lovable, loud, obnoxious, annoying, idiot, bratty Naruto.

"This really does bring up nostalgic memories, doesn't it, Tsunade?" I heard Jiraiya-sama, the older senin say, his voice soft.

"It does," Shihsou replied, the very few times she was gentle. "Hello, Sakura."

"Sh-shishou? Oh my God, Shihsou, Jiraiya-sama. You're alive. You're alright," I said, as I let go of Naruto and jumped onto her, hugging her hard.

"Of course we are, kid. We're both sannin and I'm the Godaime Hokage. You expect us to go down that easily?" she berated me, returning the feeling in her embrace as well.

"Orochimaru did." I said.

"Well, he was battling two Uchiha, both of whom have the mangekyou sharingan."

"Now that introductions are over, I believe it is time we got some semblance of order, yes?" the calm baritone voice I heard before said again.

I looked at the direction where the voice came from, and I must admit I was quite shocked.

Nagato Pein.

I turned toward Shishou and raised an eyebrow. She smirked back at me. "The enemy of your enemy is your friend, right?"

I turned my gaze back to Pein. "When Madara left us to go for Konoha, he absolutely disowned us. He took the seven bijuu he has in his possession with him, and I knew that my organisation was at risk as well," he explained.

"Have any of your members changed at all?" I asked.

"Zetsu betrayed us as well, but I'm not concerned in the least. Kakashi is excellent at information gathering, not to mention some of you Konoha shinobi have well above average recon abilities."

I nodded. "Sooooooo, were basically allies?"

"I suppose we are."

I suddenly heard a grunt, condescending in its sound. I turned around to see where the sound came from, and I could not help but smirk sarcastically.

Standing on one of the walls, almost hidden by the shadows were three Uchiha. The _last three _Uchiha.

First was an Uchiha I could not recognise. He has an unruly mass of ebony hair on his head. It was curly, and kind of like Kakashi-sensei's, the only difference was that this guy's hair was _unruly. _It was all over the place, and I strongly doubted if that hair had ever experienced a brush. He had no bangs, which was kind of a shock. The rest was stereotypical of all Uchiha; deep onyx eyes, haughty expression and patrician features that proved their nobility and smooth pale skin. This particular Uchiha, however, had a smirk permanently planted on his face. It was the usual panty-dropping smirk women world over swooned over, but it was always there.

He had the usual Uchiha clothes; high collard navy blue shirt, navy blue pants and standard issue shinobi sandals. His holster was strapped to his thigh.

"Yo," he greeted cheerfully, in a mellow tenor. "The name's Shisui. I'm Itachi and Sasuke-chan's older cousin. Judging by the way you just pounded Deidara through five walls there, you _must _be Haruno Sakura, the infamous student of Hokage-sama. Sasuke-chan claims you're weak, I, however _must _beg to differ. I'm sure you know he's an idiot. He's never worked under Tsunade-sama, hence the stupidity of his statement. Really looking forward to working with you, and seeing that monstrous strength of yours in action," he said, bringing his hand forward.

I took it and greeted him. I think I'm really gonna like this guy.

Second was the infamous Uchiha Itachi. I'd heard of his prowess as a shinobi and also of his sex appeal. Both were definitely unquestionable.

"Hello Itachi," I said slowly.

"Hello, Sakura," he responded, lilting tenor emotionless, like the rest of his gorgeous face.

I turned my gaze to Sasuke, and couldn't help the sarcastic smirk that lifted my lips.

"Well, well, well, if it isn't the avenger himself. What happened to your grandiose plan of avenging your clan, Sasuke-_kun? _How is it that you're on the same side of the very shinobi you were supposed to kill? What happened to your quest for power, hmm? Or after one and a half years of having your ass raped by the most disgusting creature of them all you had to go grovelling to your brother and your cousin to come save you?" I asked him sarcastically.

He said nothing, only glaring hell murder at me.

No one said anything, but at the corner of my eye I could see Shisui trying (and failing) to stifle his sniggering and Itachi was smirking.

"Nice one, Sakura," Shishou said, punching me in the shoulder playfully. If it was anyone else, they would have been thrown a few feet away.

"Enough. I believe it's time you were introduced to Akatsuki, Sakura."

I think this missing nin business was starting to be...fun.

**Finally. Here it is, folks. Funny Fates chapter one. This is somewhat of an intro, and most of the unanswered questions will come out as the story continues. I can't promise regular updates; a new semester has begun, and as you know, school takes priority. I'll try my best though, and I hope you guys enjoy this. :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Well, I must say I am amazed at the response to this story. It just tells me I'm doing something right. Thank you all very much.**

**Funny Fates 2.**

I was astounded in wonderment.

Contrary to popular belief, the Akatsuki are _not _as organised as the let on. Yes, they carry out their missions with immediate prompt and ruthlessly take out anyone that stands in their way, _and _they are, without a shadow of a doubt exceptionally powerful and competent shinobi, but they were the most childish lot of over eighteens I'd ever had the misfortune to meet. I wondered how the hell they managed to work together. Throw in the madness that Konoha shinobi were known for and you have a near disaster in your hands.

I think the only reason the listened to Pein was because of the unimaginable power the Rinnengan holds and the only reason they listened to Shishou was because she could come up with the most creative medical ways to slowly, quietly and painfully end their lives and/or beat them to a bloody, unrecognisable pulp.

"Why the fuck do these women have to be so violent, yeah? Can't even air our own opinions," a now conscious Deidara whined, broken jaw healed and pouting like an overgrown spoilt brat.

Hidan smirked. "Serves you right, you retarded asshole."

Deidara glared at him and Kakuzu sighed. "Sometimes I question my mentality when it comes to associating myself with members of this organisation," he muttered shaking his head.

"Well, this is lively," Kisame, in all his seven foot tall, blue stature said, rather amused.

Konan just looked around, deciding not to comment.

"My workshop has a hole in the wall. Who is responsible for it? I am _not _fixing it again," Sasori muttered, despite the indifferent look on his face.

Really, what had I gotten myself into?

The Konoha side however, was the exact opposite of what it should be. There were no exuberant shouts of you from either Gai-sensei or Lee. Kurenai-sensei quietly played with little Roku. Shihsou and Jiraiya-sama sat next to each other, heads huddled together, talking in whispers. Kakashi-sensei's gaze was far off and distant, as if he mentally wasn't even here. Shizune nee was looking at her hands, neatly folded on her laps. Ten-Ten was sharpening a kunai. Naruto simply sat, elbows on his knees and his cheeks in his hands.

I swallowed heavily. All of us were missing nin, had been for the past three years. There were other shinobi I hadn't seen or heard of ever since we fled. I shook my head. I didn't want to think about it.

"Oi, kiddo, what's up?" Shisui suddenly asked.

I looked up at him, and he was dead serious. The smirk was wiped off his face, and instead was an emotionless face, calculating onyx eyes giving nothing away.

He may have seemed different, but this Shisui guy was an Uchiha through and through.

"There are so many more survivors than you think, youngin. Don't be too depressed. This is something none of us thought would happen. We just have to deal with it," he told me.

"Tell me your story. Aren't you supposed to be dead?" I asked suddenly, and the whole room quieted down, turning their attention to us.

He gave a small chuckle. "With time, kid, with time. If you're anything like our gorgeous Hokage here, I can safely assume that patience isn't one of your stronger suites. My story is a tad bit annoyingly complicated, but fear not, the right time will come when I'll tell you."

Uchiha weren't exactly known for their trustworthiness. Of all shinobi clans in and out of Konoha, the Uchiha were famed for four things: intelligence, power, sex appeal and ruthlessness. There is not an Uchiha known who had an IQ of less than 120. Very few of them ever activated their kekkei genkai, and even _those _were universally feared. Even then they still excelled at the ninja arts. The Uchiha did not have ugly in their vocabulary. It was as if the fates preordained it. Every single generation of people born in the Uchiha clan were just disturbingly _good looking. _Their most feared trait, probably on par with their sharingan, was their ruthlessness. They decided what they wanted, and they went for it, no questions asked, regardless of who or what stood in their way. It was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because there's no way Konoha would have won previous shinobi wars without their help, and a curse because it had brought their clan to near extinction.

I smirked at that. "You're an Uchiha. Why should I trust you?" I asked him raising an eyebrow.

He, in turn raised his eyebrow at me. "I can understand how you feel. However, you must remember that my clan has been reduced to three. _Three. _I can't afford to start bringing pride into this. If I did, we'd be reduced to zero. I don't want that," he smirked. "After all, I _am _an Uchiha, as you say."

"Actually, you're reduced to four," Naruto pointed out, butting in by yelling obnoxiously. Jiraiya-sama, Pein and Konan sighed. "If you count Madara-"

"We do not count Madara as one of us because the reason we've kept ourselves alive until this very moment is to annihilate him," Itachi interrupted smoothly. I turned around to look at him. He was casually leaning on the wall next to Kakashi-sensei, the sole of his left foot flat against said wall. He had one arm across his chest as he spun a kunai on his long slender finger.

I bit my lip and immediately looked away. Che, cocky bastard.

"Kakashi-sensei?" I asked instead, fiddling around with one of my gloves.

He looked at me and sighed, already knowing the silent question I asked him.

"Yes," he said quietly. "Yes, I had my suspicions. I aired them to Tsunade-sama, naturally, and adequate preparations were made. By the time Danzou attacked, we were set, and by the time Madara came in, we were good to go. We organised everything; who was to flee when, where and why. We arranged for Kurenai's safety until Roku was older than three years old. We never informed any of you because you were still too young. You wouldn't understand. After we split up, well, we knew you'd have fended for yourselves. We always just hoped that you'd turn up, or we'd find you and we'd bring you here. D'you know why I gave you those kunai? They are very special to me, and they are the kunai that Minato-sensei gave me when I joined ANBU. After he fell at Madara's hand, I swore I'd never lose them, and I thought I'd hand them over to you, because I thought you'd need them for the difficult times that were coming."

"What went wrong?"I whispered, the tears threatening.

"Madara decreed all members of a clan were to never leave the walls of Konoha without ROOT, that's what happened," Shishou said harshly.

"Weren't you expecting that?" I asked, my voice slightly rising, the tears flowing.

"We only expected it for the Aburames, the Hyuuga and the Akimichi, because they are the noble clans. We never expected it for all of them," Jiraiya-sama said quietly.

"Then Sai...Sai died in vain?" by now my voice was shaking, my hands trembling, the floodgates were threatening.

It was an awkward silence. Pein was the one brave enough to talk. "No. He did not die in vain. He di-"

"You don't even know who the fuck Sai is. Why are you talking?" I screamed.

"Because he died fighting against Madara. That is why. He died fighting an enemy of mine. That is enough for me. That is all I need to avenge his death," he replied quietly.

I could not help but dissolve in my tears. I didn't know what to say. I heard this guy, this Pein, this immensely powerful shinobi was a student of Jiraiya-sama, and I could see it now. I could see the lessons he got from his teacher.

"Tch, you're still useless, crying all the time. Still weak. It's a wonder how you've survived being a missing nin so long" Sasuke said.

I froze. For a moment, time stopped moving. Then my Inner came out in full aplomb, guns blazing in our rage.

"Duuuuuuude, I think she's pissed as fuck," Hidan muttered.

"Excuse me?" I said calmly tear streaks still running down my face. "Weak? You just called me weak?"

Before anyone else could move, I was in front of Sasuke and had grabbed him by the collar violently.

"Listen to me, you filthy defiled trash," I seethed. "I worked so fucking hard, _so fucking hard _to get to the level I have. I had to beg Shishou to take me on. I had to grovel to Kurenai-sensei and Kakashi-sensei to train me for ANBU. All I had going for me was chakra control, and you better damn fucking believe that chakra control has brought me far. Right now, I can think of eight hundred poisons and another thirty ways of infusing into your bloodstream _without you realising it. _This very second, I can come up with ten ways to induce a cardiac arrest to your heart. Or, I can just beat your brains out of your stupid, duck-butt head. I did it the hard way. You ran off to _disgustingness extraordinaire. _You took the fucking shortcut, have no idea what it is like to fight off _and lose _an invasion of your home. You've never fought a bijuu. You've never gone weeks without food because you can't afford to buy it. You've never slept in rivers and streams for long minutes to avoid ROOT. You've never almost had nervous breakdowns due to paranoia of being watched. You've never been scared shitless of torture and interrogation. You have no right, Uchiha Sasuke, you have no motherfucking right whatsoever to call me weak."

I pushed him into a wall, until his body formed a hole in it. "You still think I'm weak? I'm still weak? Then maybe we can take this out to the training grounds tomorrow, and I'll show you just how _weak _I really am," I whispered venomously, poking a chakra infused finger into his shoulder and breaking both his collar bone and his shoulder blade.

I removed him from the wall and flung him across the room. He went through three walls, and I heard his pained groan.

"Let me get one thing straight, Sasuke," I said coldly. My fists were clenched and I was facing the ground. "I hate you. I fucking hate you with every fibre of my being. Don't expect me to come swooning in your direction anymore, because it's not fucking happening. I've been a missing nin for three years, and I've learnt the art of ruthlessly murdering those that come in my way well. _Do not _provoke me."

Without thinking twice, I turned to my heel and stormed out of that room. I didn't even know where the hell I was going. I traced my steps back to the room I woke up in and violently shoved the door open. I got in and slammed it so hard that it fell off its hinges. I sat on the bed and begun crying, tears of rage and sadness. These were tears I'd left in for so long and I felt that I needed to let them out. I never even had a chance to mourn Sai properly because I was too busy fleeing for my life.

He went to break a barrier, which was set up by Danzou. There was no way that he'd do it without being identified, since he was a member of ROOT and the retard would somehow know. He wanted to break it for the clans to be able to sneak out. He knew he would definitely be killed, but he went ahead and did it anyway. What we didn't know is that he knew it was futile for the clans to escape, and he was doing it to buy us time. Naruto was already surrounded by Zetsu's army, and disabling that barrier would take all the troops to the area surrounding it. The plan worked, and Naruto high tailed it out of there, bawling his eyes out. By then, Sai was dead. We don't even know how he died.

We never forgot Sai, and we made a small memorial of him in the outskirts of Konoha and hid it with a genjutsu. Ten-Ten told me that Kiba, Shino, Hinata, Neji, Shikamaru, Ino and Chouji went there every week to pay their respects for a colleague who felled for our sake.

I don't know how long I lay on the bed, bawling my eyes out, but I eventually drifted off into a deep, dreamless sleep.

**Very fast update. You guessed it, I have no life. Three weeks into university and I'm already over it. Nope, no life whatsoever.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I greatly apologise for this being so late. A very close friend of mine passed away back at home and then later on another good friend's mom passed on. I'm broke as fuck and couldn't get in touch with any of them. Then school's also a bit hectic. It's not been an easy two weeks for me, coz I'm so far from home and...really, I've just been an emotional mess. Please excuse the lateness of this update.**

**Funny Fates 3.**

My face was frowned in utmost concentration.

This is damn bloody hard. Had it been that long since I played shougi? Had I become rusty? This was so troublesome.

My face softened as I remembered Shikamaru, my dear friend, back in Konoha. Those shougi games were so epic.

"Worried, Sakura? What's keeping you? Surely you're not contemplating throwing in the towel, are you?" I heard a cheeky, light tenor taunt me.

I gave Shisui a glare. He was sitting next to his cousin, smirking mischievously. Konan was rubbing my back, quietly willing to swallow my response and continue the game. Unfortunately, I had inherited too much of my Shishou's habits, and loving the occasional confrontation was one of them.

"Shut your smug ass off, Shisui _nii-san _before I do it for you," I growled. "Just because you guys are in the lead doesn't mean that you can't lose overall."

We were in the middle of a shougi competition, where it was Itachi and Shisui against Konan and myself. At first, Konan politely declined the offer of joining us for a shougi game, saying she was not much of a strategist, but she _was _highly intelligent, and that was normally quite enough for a challenging game of shougi.

Looking back down to the board, my mind was swimming with all the possible scenarios Itachi's brilliant mind had created. One thing I'd come to realise about Itachi is that exceptionally high intellect aside, he never, _ever _thought like a _normal, rational _person. His unorthodox thought patterns, coupled with his innate talent to effortlessly mind-fuck anyone and everyone that wasn't Pein and his otherwise stoic manner made him exceptionally hard to read.

Yet again, as Pein promptly informed me, this is what constituted part of his genius. He was _unpredictable _and no one really could figure him out, unless he let them_. _

What I could not understand, however, is why he had put his _hisha _right in the path of my _kinshou. _He knew how easy it was for me to capture his piece, and it was one of his more powerful pieces too. Was he trapping me, dammit?

Crap.

"Oi, Uchiha," I growled in impatience and frustration. "Have you put some sort of genjutsu on this board, or are you using your sharingan to predict my moves?"

Itachi looked up at me and raised a gorgeous eyebrow. "I see no need for you to address me by my surname, Sakura. You should know, as well, that I never resort to such underhanded methods of cheating to win a shougi game. I respect my opponents too much to do that, and I was raised much better," he said calmly, lifting his hand and moving his _kyousha _forward.

Despite the fact that, at this point, I was close to ripping my hair from the follicles, I couldn't help but notice his presence. He was sitting cross-legged from me, wearing the standard navy blue pants and a sleeveless high collared shirt, no doubt with the Uchiha symbol at the back. His shirt, in particular, was quite...fitting on his person, and it showed off his physique. He was lean, yet had a very good musculature. He was lithe and graceful in everything he did, concentrating more on speed than strength, the perfect body type for a genjutsu user.

His hair was undone, very slightly tousled, flowing down his shoulders and stopping at his shoulder blades in silky waves of black. He had no hitai-ate on his forehead and he looked so relaxed, so at ease, that it kind of shocked me.

_What, you're not gonna admit the way you've been paying particular attention to his arms, the muscles contracting and expanding under that lovely pale skin of his? _My Inner asked, cackling in my head.

I was very near to screaming at this point, before Hidan, of all idiots, walked into the room.

"Oi, what the fuck you guys doing? This board game shit? Dammit, so boring," he said.

"Shut up and fuck off, Hidan. Didn't you read the sign on the door? It said no imbeciles allowed," I ground out through gritted teeth. Jeez, couldn't a girl think of strategies in peace in this place?

"Sign? What sign? There was a sign? I didn't see any goddamn sign. You mocking me, bitch?"

Shisui, at this point was laughing even harder, and I was contemplating the pros and cons of beating the living daylights out of Hidan. Pein would not be amused at all. He had _just _had the walls repaired. I'll schedule a training session with Hidan instead. I'm sure no one would object to me beating him to a bloody pulp.

"How may we be of assistance, Hidan?" Itachi asked.

For a moment, Hidan looked at him blankly before shaking his head.

Idiot.

"Leader-sama wants our asses to the meeting place. Apparently there's some important shit going on."

The four of us arose, Shisui still giggling like an academy school girl, and made our way towards the meeting where, where we found Naruto practically inhaling a bowl of ramen, three empty ones sitting on the table in front of him.

I smiled tenderly, before shaking my head at his behaviour. Missing nin or not, some aspects of his behaviour would always be ingrained in him.

In a few moments, everyone at the hideout was gathered in the meeting room, and the atmosphere was tense. Suddenly, Gemna, Anko, _Yamato Taichou _and _Iruka-sensei _appeared, another lot of shinobi I hadn't see since we all fled.

My jaw promptly fell to the ground in both shock and happiness.

"Oh my God..." I ever so eloquently gasped.

"Well, hello there, pretty little lady. Long time no see," Geman drawled when he saw me, smirking and winking mischievously. I raised an eyebrow at his antics, and suddenly burst out laughing.

"Where were you guys when I woke up?" I asked, my mood considerably brightening.

"We were out on a mission, and I'm afraid we have both good news and bad news," Yamato Taichou said, after smiling a greeting at me. He looked over at Shishou and Pein, who nodded at him to continue.

"Suna and Kiri are still our allies, though Suna is working more underground than Kiri is. Madara seems to have suspected this, and he has had Danzou dispatch as many ROOT operatives as he possibly can around the routes that lead to said villages without breaking any diplomatic treaties. It's getting harder to get to both the Kazekage and the Mizukage," he reported.

Well, I could understand that. Kiri had more finances than Suna, not to mention the Mizukage was a better match at fighting Madara than Gaara was. She could not defeat him per se yet, but she could considerably injure him, one of the very few kunoichu alive who could, a testament to her skill and power.

"Do they need help?" Jiraiya-sama asked.

"Not really. ROOT has not interfered yet-"

"Good. Then we need to choose a team that will go and maybe, sort of, kind of, you know, get rid of the team leaders and then we see where to go from there," Shishou cut him off, glaring right at Pein.

Pein sighed. "Gadaime, they haven't threatened us, our allies or our interests yet. I really don't think now is the time to attack," he said calmly.

"So we wait? We wait for a whole team of our allies or ourselves to be annihilated and find their leader on the verge of death before we strike?" she asked, every inch as calmly, undertones of anger in her voice.

The atmosphere became even more tense, Shishou only just restraining from destroying the room we were gathered in and Pein looking right at her, the only sign of his impatience being his narrowed eyes.

I looked at Jiraiya-sama, silently asking for an explanation.

"A few months back, the Kazekage sent a team of Suna ANBU, led by his brother to bring supplies and important information about what Madara was planning and the changes he has enacted in Konoha," Konan begun. "ROOT and/or Shimura Danzou found out, and all members with the exception of the Kazekage's brother were killed, with said team leader, Kankurou I think his name is, barely making it alive on the outskirts of headquarters. It took three weeks for him to wake up from his coma and inform us of what was going on. Jiraiya-sensei accompanied Godaime, and together they annihilated a ROOT border patrol in revenge."

I nodded slowly. That is so something Shishou would do.

"Before I finished them off, they explained to me the state of Konoha. Those retards have destroyed almost everything my predecessors and I worked for, and the only thing that's still the same is the Hokage Mountain, which that asshole Danzou has put his filthy, unworthy face on," Shishou stated, her face wiped off all emotion, though the way Jiraiya-sama was looking at her clenched fist apprehensively clearly signalled that she was, in Hidan's words, pissed as fuck.

"Was that the news Kankurou and his team had come to tell you?" I asked tentatively, strategically positioning myself near Kakashi-sensei. I may have exceptionally similar abilities to Tsunade Shishou, but even I feared her fists of doom, as we used to call them back in Konoha.

"Yes," Shihsou replied curtly.

"So, what are we gonna do, yeah?" Deidara asked.

Again, it was silent.

"We must find a way to get into Konoha," Itachi said quietly.

"The hell? You suicidal, kid?" Kisame asked, apparently the only person who was allowed to call Itachi kid and live.

"Think about it. It is not something Madara would expect of us. We are missing nin, cowards as far as he is concerned. Have you realised that he doesn't care how many ROOT operatives we kill? The fact that we have not infiltrated, or show no intentions of infiltrating Konoha is enough for him to believe we are not worth his time. That is all he needs to convince himself that we are beneath him," he said, his smooth voice almost having a hypnotic effect. "Are we really beneath him? Are we going to just sit here and mope at our situation and give him more and more reason to scorn us and destroy so much that we worked for? Is it really worth it?"

"He is so powerful, Itachi. We have no chance against him. Even with your and Shisui's sharingan, even with Pein's Rinnengan, even with Tsunade and myself as Sannin, we don't have a chance. We never had a chance when he invaded. What makes you think we have a chance now?" Jiraiya-sama asked miserably.

Slowly, Itachi's lips curved upwards into a smirk. My Inner was going insane.

_Attention, attention, Outer. We have a sex god in our midst. Sex god alert, dammit. Commence immediate, total and complete swooning, then proceed with Operation trap Uchiha sex god into a room and rape him._

It took much more mental willpower than was necessary to bind and gag her before throwing her in a chest and pushing said chest into the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind.

"You misunderstand, Jiraiya-sama," Itachi said softly. The left corner of Pein's mouth twitched slightly, and Kakashi-sensei shook his head, smirking like the devil's advocate under his mask.

"We are not going to kill Madara. I agree that we need more time and a much more solid plan for that. It is too soon. We are simply going to politely inform him that we are still here, and we are still fighting him. We are going to tell him that as long as each and every one of us is alive, his position as controller of Konoha is not permanent, and he should always watch himself. Physical combat is not always the best solution. Psychological warfare is not an easy tool, but when used correctly, it can destroy even the best warriors. Madara might be exceptionally powerful, but he is _not _invincible. He, like any other human being has a weakness, one that can very easily be exploited," He said.

I took a few deep breaths before forcing myself to look at him. Looking right at those onyx depths, I asked him "You seem to be very sure about this apparent weakness of Madara's, Itachi. Care to share?"

His smirk grew wider. I swallowed.

Uchiha Itachi is _not _attractive. Not. At. All.

"Authority."

For a moment, all I could do was stare at him dumbly.

"Authority?" I echoed incredulously.

I saw Shishou's honey coloured eyes light up mischievously.

"He does anything and everything to get it, not caring about the consequences of his actions, or who he might affect. He uses whatever means necessary to gain authority and the power that comes with it. When he gets it, he becomes complacent, believing no one can touch him. That is his weakness. All we have to do is _challenge _his authority, and he will panic," Shishou said, practically cackling with glee.

Pein sighed again. "Why do I have a feeling I am not going to like what is going to be said next?"

"We are going to infiltrate Konoha," Shishou said, smirking in all unholy glee.

"Every day I try to convince myself that I am not severely lacking in my mental capacities for joining this organization, and every day I prove myself drastically wrong," Kakuzu grumbled, as he stood up and walked out of the sitting room.

"You and me both, Kakuzu. You and me both," Pein said, following him out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Funny Fates 4.**

**I dedicate this chapter to Itaweasel-hime, whose story brought me back slightly from emotional turmoil. Thanks darl. You have no idea how much you've helped me. :D**

The fates were being funny again.

Either that, or Pein and Shishou were very deliberately attempting to irritate the hell out of me, and I have to admit, they were doing an excellent job at it.

My eyebrow twitched and I could feel the vein in my temple almost pop when I saw Deidara gather his stupid blonde hair and frown when he looked at the tips. "What the hell, yeah? I have split ends again? I thought I trimmed them properly last time. Or is it the conditioner?" he mumbled, frowning even harder when he flipped said hair over his shoulder and gently took another few strands to look at.

In my life as a missing nin, I had come across one too many vain shinobi, but I'd never, _ever _met anyone as vain as Deidara.

Uchiha don't count. Their vanity is genetic. It's not entirely their fault.

"Can someone please explain to me the reason why _he's _accompanying us on this mission?" I ground out through gritted teeth, glaring at Pein, Shishou and Jiraiya-sama as I pointed at the blonde idiot that was the major cause of my rage.

Pein raised an eyebrow at me. My own eyebrow twitched again.

"Is there something wrong with having Deidara accompany you to the mission, Sakura? If there is, please, do not hesitate to tell me," Pein replied in that _infuriatingly _calm voice.

"He has absolutely no understanding of the concepts of subtlety and patience, ergo, he alone has the potential of making this going from a retardedly high-risk mission to an absolute disaster," I replied, clenching and unclenching my fist and distracting myself from punching something.

Pein sighed, before pinching the bridge of his nose to relieve the pressure that was probably building up. I, on the other hand, was slowly breathing in and out in a sad attempt to calm myself down, and was failing spectacularly.

"Naruto has absolutely no understanding of the concepts of subtlety and patience either, yet you seem to have no problem at all with him going with you," he replied.

"One, Naruto is an idiot, meaning that is to be expected of him. Two, with the right threat ratio of grievous bodily harm, can actually behave and become an absolutely brilliant shinobi second only to his father. Three, Naruto has never, does not, nor will he ever, use _bloody explosions _as his main means of combat," I seethed, immediately grabbing, punching and breaking the nearest thing to me, which turned out to be one of Sasori's workshop tables.

He galred at me, his brown eyes hardening. I glared back, snarling menacingly. I was _not _in the mood, and anyway, Yamato Taichou would make him another workshop table if he was going to be a cry-baby about it.

"That really was uncalled for, Sakura," he muttered, looking at the splinters of wood that were once his workshop table.

I turned my attention from him, and back to Pein.

Pein glanced at Konan, who glanced at Jiraiya-sama, who glanced at Shishou, who glanced at Kakashi-sensei, who nodded his head and glanced at me.

"She's got a point there, Pein," he muttered.

"Diedara is one of my more competent men, which is why I thought he should accompany you on this particular mission."

"Well, he's not acting competent at all at the moment. Sasori is checking on his puppets, Kisame has gone to get Samehada, Itachi is having his eyes checked out, Shisui has just finished cleaning his katana, and Naruto–_Naruto _-is arranging up the plans for our infiltration into Konoha. Everyone is prepping up for the mission, and girl-man over there is whining about his bloody _hair," _I shrieked, flailing my arms in the air in irritation.

Right on cue, the stupid imbecile created a clone and said clone begun trimming the real Deidara's hair.

I had reached boiling point.

"Sasuke," I growled. "Which one's the real one?"

Sasuke activated his sharingan, before pointing to the clone.

"That one."

Since our first...confrontation, Sasuke developed a kind of uneasy respect for me. Holding grudges was much more emotional exhausting that is acceptable, so I dropped any and all confrontations I had against him. Despite a year and a half with the fag lord extraordinaire, I came to realise that he had become quite a powerful shinobi in his own right, and he was a little more inclined to behave properly, brought about by strict disciplinary measures from his brother and a lot of mockery from his cousin.

Naruto also kind of requested me to cut him some slack. We were on the same side after all, and I really couldn't deny Naruto anything, especially when he pulled those adorable blue puppy eyes of his on me.

Che, little demon spawn. He knew I could never resist anything adorable, the manipulative bastard.

I walked to Diedara's clone, took the scissor it was holding and stabbed it in the stomach. It disappeared in a pouf of smoke, and Deidara doubled over in pain. Before he could open his mouth, I slapped him across the face, causing him to fly some ten or so feet into the farthest wall.

"We are going on a mission, not a bloody beauty pageant. Get fucking serious, you metrosexual dunderhead," I snarled.

"But my hair looks like shit, yeah. I've got split ends, and I don't like split ends, yeah," he whined, dropping from the wall onto the ground.

"Your _face _looks like shit," I growled, hurling the pair of scissors in his general direction. He ducked, and it got embedded in the wall behind him where his stupid, vain head a few moments ago.

"Naruto has finally brought in the plans, and I suggest we go through them one last time," Pein interrupted.

"Fucking favouritism," I heard Deidara grumble behind me. "Bitch never complains when that damned Itachi does his hair but when I do it I'm meterosexual."

I did not dignify his comment with a response, but truth be told, it took quite a bit of control not to yell out that Itachi is sexy by _default_, and he's never bitched about his hair having split ends.

Fuck, what am I thinking? Itachi is _not _sexy. He's just a cocky shinobi who thinks all should bow in his presence because of his infamous reputation.

"Now," Pein begun. " As you are all aware, you're infiltrating the village in pairs; Itachi and Sasori, Kisame and Shisui, Sakura and Hidan and Naruto with Deidara. You are to go see the Hyuuga, Nara and Akimichi. Going by Jiraiya-sensei's toads, visiting the Nara enable you to come into contact with the Aburame and the Yamanaka clans by default, the Hyuuga will give you contact with the Aburame and the Akimichi will give you contact with the Inuzuka. That way, we'll come into contact with all the clans, and thus all the information about the village without having to travel too much and risk being spotted by ROOT."

"How sure are we all the information is with these particular clans?" Sasori asked.

"That's how Madara works. He believes in delegation, which makes life easier for him. He may be a retard, but he is still quite intelligent," Shisui replied, looking at the map on the table.

"Lucky for us they haven't changed the code of the seal yet, and all the Konoha shinobi going in are in ANBU, so it's the same code; Lion Fire," Jiraiya-sama muttered.

"Get whatever you can that can help us; plans and paperwork, that kind of thing. Talk to as many shinobi as you can. We need this information and compare it to whatever rubbish that old fart and his little bitch have been feeding our allies, then we can go on from there. Whoever gets to him first, make sure Ibiki helps you check out torture and interrogations, remove anyone who's ever helped us. The second light cracks from the horizon, you leave. Get the hell out of there and get back here, understood?" Shishou said, ending by demanding.

I smirked. Really, Tsunade Shishou really sucked at relaying her emotion. It really wouldn't hurt if she'd say that we should take care of ourselves and we shouldn't get hurt.

"Ne," Naruto said, blue eyes widening in confusion as he pointed to the drawing on the map that was _very obviously _the Hokage Monument. "What's this squiggly, drawy thingy here?"

"Yeah," Hidan obnoxiously joined in, his face frowned in confusion as well. "What the fuck is that shitty thing? Never seen it and I've been to that village so many times. Who drew this piece of crap? Oi, Kakashi, you can't draw for shit."

I looked at Pein. "Please give me permission to beat the hell out of him immortal ass when we get back," I asked.

"Of course. I will, in fact, put it in the training schedule," Pein responded, looking at Hidan and raising his eyebrow at his confused expression.

Seriously, Naruto was (and still is, it seems) idiotic enough. We have to deal with Hidan as well?

"I suppose we should depart," Itachi stated as he calmly walked toward the door and got out, turning around to face us as if telling us to follow him.

Che, it's as if his cockiness increases by the second. I snorted.

If we travelled at ANBU speed, it would take us about thirteen hours to get to Fire country, and the outskirts of Konoha. The plan was to subdue a Konoha watch post and obliterate all ROOT operatives there. We would then rest for a day, and infiltrate Konoha at night. We had a night to gather as much information as we could, then get the hell out before Madara woke up.

We had been travelling for about ten or so hours, and had stopped to take a short rest, when I saw four blonde ponytails that looked very familiar. There was a folded fan on her back, and the person in question wore a long black kimono.

"Temari?" I whispered, astounded.

She tensed, her hand immediately reaching for her fan. She turned around, and when she saw my shocked face, broke into a small smile, before slowly walking toward the canopy of trees we were hiding behind.

We were classified as missing-nin in Fire Country, and all villages, civilian or shinobi were strictly instructed by the daimyo, who Shikamaru and his father strongly suspected was being controlled by Madara, never to help any missing nin. If they spotted us, we were to be reported to the Hokage immediately so that we would be punished. Our allies were not allowed to be seen with us either.

She turned behind a bush at the edge of the canopy, and immediately broke into a sprint, enveloping me into one of her many bear hugs.

"You're alright. Oh my God, Sakura, you're alive and kicking and you're fine. I know it's been rough, but how have you been? And when did you encounter Akatsuki?" she asked, tears in her eyes at her joy.

I smiled back, but kept my own tears back. "Look, Teamri, I'd really like to talk, but I can't. We're going to Konoha, and it's a race against time. We have to get to one of the bases by nightfall so that we can take charge of it and rest up. We intend to sneak into the village tomorrow night," I explained as fast as I could.

Temari seemed to care less. "Oh my God, they'll be so happy to see you. They've been so miserable, and that retard expects us to give him news of what's happening every month, even if there's nothing going on. He's so desperately looking for you guys, but you're so awesome at hiding from. I can assure you that he's not in a good mood at the moment," she replied, looking at the people I was on my mission with.

She looked at me one more time, and for some reason, I could tell danger awaited us.

She gave me one last embrace before standing up and facing Itachi, our informal leader. "Go to the northern scout base. One of your own has been captured, and he has some very vital information. It would do you guys good if you took him in. He's quite injured, though," she told him quietly, very quietly, that only a shinobi would hear.

Louder, so that the civilians walking past the bush would not suspect us, she said, "I wish you all the best in your mission, my friends."

She then turned around and left. The civilians hanging around looked at her for a while, before they went on walking.

We finally got to the base, and what I saw made me choke in shock.

Lying there in front of the entrance was one Yamashiro Aoba, beaten to a bloody pulp. He had burn marks on his clothes and his body, and quite a number of broken bones. Without thinking, I immediately went down to do a quick examination.

Doing this made me release my chakra, and on sensing it, the ROOT operatives appeared.

"Naruto, keep a look out for anyone who might want to attack Sakura as she heals Aoba. The rest of us, let's annihilate these imposters." Itachi muttered.

I had a very bad feeling. Something bad was going to happen. I was not going to like what I would see when I got to Konoha. I just _knew _something was wrong.


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm sooo sorry this has taken ages to go up. School is a bitch, I tell you, a total, absolute bitch.**

**Hope you enjoy it, though.**

**Funny Fates 5.**

It's times like these where I'm sure mental instability is a requirement to joining Akatsuki.

"You freaking _killed _them? What the _hell _is wrong with you guys? What if those assholes back in Konoha want to communicate with the operatives here? What are we gonna do then?" I asked calmly, my Inner doing all the panicking on my behalf.

"We are going to be here for less than twenty four hours, Sakura. I don't-"

"No, gill-face. We are going to be here for _more _than twenty four hours. Aoba was really seriously injured, and much as I've healed his worst injuries, it's going to be a while before he can be in travelling condition, and having Naruto or myself summon any of our summons to take him back to base is just about the same as having Deidara go and start bombing the front of the Hokage tower." I snapped, my apprehension brought about by a major freak out.

Right on cue, Aoba coughed up a lungful of blood. I flinched, gathering chakra on my hand and running it over his chest cavity. His lungs were still in pretty bad shape, but even a medic as good as me could only do so much. The rest was up to him.

I glared at Itachi. "You are our Captain. _You _have to think of something. This is a major fuck-up, and if we're busted, someone's gonna die," I said. "You're a genius. I'm sure you can come up with something."

"How bad are his injuries now?" Itachi asked, looking calmly at me.

"They are still pretty bad. I've done all I could, the rest is up to him. He needs plenty of rest for now, and I have to go out later on and search for medicinal herbs and make some antibiotics for him."

It was silent for a while.

"There is going to be a change of plans," Itachi said suddenly. "Sakura, you have to stay. You are the only one that can take care of Aoba-san. Kisame will stay with you and keep an eye out for anything suspicious. The rest of us will infiltrate Konoha."

"When are we going?" Sasori asked.

"Tonight. Delay is not an option. I do understand that it is quite a risky venture, but these are circumstances neither of us expected and we must proceed despite them. The more we linger out here, the higher our chances of getting discovered, and that is _not _something I'm in the mood of dealing with at the moment," he said, voice serious.

"It's almost sundown," Naruto murmured. "I think we should get going now, if we want to get into Konoha when the guards are changing."

"Do you think Madara is expecting us?" Shisui asked?

"I have no idea, to be perfectly honest. We just have to go find out. In a worst case scenario, we'll obviously be forced to fight, but we do not want that. All we have to do is hope, I suppose," Itachi replied, looking down at Aoba.

I looked down at him too, and I really wondered what had caused him to come all this way, knowing the risks of him being discovered as Tsunade Shishou's supporter and further understanding the consequences. We would just have to wait for him to get better and then question him about it.

"Shisui and I are going outside to set traps. We will meet with the rest of you at the front towards Konoha's north-east when we are done. Kisame, you are responsible for the protection of this watchpost, or at the very least, making sure everyone remains alive." He ordered calmly, before turning to me.

He eyed me closely, his intense onyx gaze zeroed in on me. I had a cool, calm façade on the outside, but I was internally overwhelmed by his intensity. Itachi was a very dominating kind of person, and his quiet domination was almost _smothering, _a very dangerous trait to have as a shinobi, because those were the ones that were excellent assassins. They were quiet, flawless and one touch, everything that described the infamous Uchiha Itachi's style. He _chose _whether or not you wanted to notice him, and if he decided that you were to notice him, his sheer force of quiet personality simply overwhelmed any and all within a reasonable distance.

No wonder Pein respected him and Madara was weary of him. Such quiet power was not very common, particularly amongst the younger generation of shinobi.

I was not even going to deny it. There was something very alluring and tempting, something _dangerously sexy _about Itachi when he went into his assassin mode, when he was, first and foremost, a shinobi and secondly a human being.

I inwardly gulped, and mustered was left of my courage and squared his intense gaze with my own.

"You are not to fight under any circumstances, unless it is a life or death situation," he told me calmly, his smooth, lilting tenor as indifferent as it ever was, but I could hear it. I could the undertones of cold steel in his voice. The implications were clear. If I even _dared _overstep my boundaries, as I was prone to do, and disobey his orders, things were _not _going to be pretty.

I smirked despite myself. "Clear," I responded, just as smoothly. After all, the Godaime Hokage was my master, and I just _had _to inherit her tendency of looking danger in the eye and challenging it.

In the blink of an eye, he and Shisui had disappeared. Sasori looked at me and raised an eyebrow. A small smirk lifted his mouth, causing a change in his usual aloof features. "You and your Hokage are really alike. You both have some serious balls," he muttered, before promptly disappearing as well, followed by everyone else that was accompanying them.

Within a few seconds, it was quiet, with only Kisame, Aoba and myself left in the room.

"I'm hungry," he said suddenly, before turning around and looking at me. "I'm gonna go look for something to eat. You need anything?" he asked me, smirking at my incredulous expression.

I mean, seriously? How _random _was that? The atmosphere was so freaking tense just a couple of seconds ago, then this seven foot tall, _blue _ man with _gills _on his face decides that he's _hungry_?

I shook my head. It _was _ a recommendation to seriously lacking any sanity whatsoever to joining this organisation.

"Yeah, shark face. I guess you could get me something, thanks." I said, turning my attention back to Aoba.

It was gonna be a while before he'd regain consciousness, three days at best. He was literally drowning in his blood when we found him, and it took quite a bit of effort to remove the blood that filled his lungs.

I gently laid Aoba's head on the ground, before moving around to see if I could make him more comfortable. I looked around the base, and all I could see were stiff chairs, wooden desks and paperwork. The best I could find for him was the (relatively) clean clothes of the dead shinobi, and that was not easy to find, considering how ruthlessly Itachi and Co. Murdered them. It was as if there was a silent competition to see who could spill the most blood. So very messy.

Suddenly, I felt it. There was a flash of chakra. It _definitely _wasn't Kisame's, and it definitely wasn't friendly.

"Well, well, well...what have we hear? A little kunoichi and a half dead shinobi?" a mocking voice said from behind me. I whipped my head and turned to look at where the voice was coming from.

He was a guy with a white hair, and purple eyes. He had a purple shirt that was sleeveless and grey pants. One belt, on his waist held numerous bottles of what looked like water, and the other belt, higher up around his chest. He had a sword, and on closer inspection, it looked like a _kubikiribouchou, _a very familiar one at that.

"Yo, little girl. The name's Suigetsu. Houzuki Suigetsu. You the famed Godaime's apprentice? The pink hair is a dead give-away. Or was your hair red or some shit? Dammit, where the hell is that damned woman when she is necessary?" he muttered, tapping the massive blade on his shoulder as if it was tiny knife. I could see the sharp razor-like teeth, and I immediately deduced this was one of the many Kirigakure missing nin.

I, on the other hand, was fuming. I could feel the vein on my (still, relatively large) forehead about to pop, and I was clenching my fingers so hard, I'm sure _he_ could hear the friction of my gloves. My eyebrow was twitching, another one of the many habits acquired from Shishou. If Naruto were here right now, he's be running to go and hide right behind his shishou.

He stopped tapping that _kibikiribouchou _on his shoulder when he locked gazes with me, and smirked at me.

Cocky asshole.

_That smirk is _nowhere _near as sexy as Itachi's. _

For once, I found it much easier to ignore my stupid inner. The very few advantages of rage. This stupid piece of shit motherfucker just called me a _little girl._

"Okay, freakazoid, I'd kindly request you to get the hell out of my face. I'm _not _in the mood of dealing with you. I'd quite love to beat you to a bloody, unrecognisable, filthy pulp, but my captain will get pissed, and I don't wanna deal with him either," I ground out through gritted teeth, my temper increasing when he _pouted._

Just what maturity levels did this guy possess?

"What? Not even a little spar? I just want to be slightly entertained before killing you. Can't you indulge me for a little bit?"

Where the bloody hell is that dammed Kisame fish face? Isn't he the one Itachi put in charge of dispatching the riffraff like this sad excuse of a missing nin before me?

As I was still internally grumbling at the situation I was put in, the idiot actually had the sheer audacity to swing his massive _kibikiribouchou. _I sighed, before lifting my palm up. Lacing just a little chakra over my palm, I made sure to catch it.

I would have laughed at the incredibly shocked look on his face, but this really wasn't the time, and neither was I in the mood.

"You know," I drawled, gripping his sword harder. "Momochi Zabuza is probably rolling in his grave at this moment. He must be wondering how such an idiot such as you would wield his sword. If you were so sure that I'm the Godaime's apprentice, hadn't it occurred to you that I just might be a force to be reckoned with and not someone to be underestimated?"

I dropped my gaze at his sword.

"Not to mention, it is quite rude to swing your sword around aimlessly when there are ladies present. Didn't whoever raise you teach you a semblance of manners?" I asked, before swinging his sword right back in his direction, making him land back a few feet.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a life to go on with. Kindly just fuck off to whichever tree trunk you came from."

"It seems Madara-sama was right about you." I froze, but he seemed unfazed, continuing to talk. "You're just like a miniature of the Godaime. So very rude. I really should get rid of you."

Just then, his arm grew _huge, _and he was just about to swing that sword in my direction, before he suddenly stopped mid-motion.

"What the fuck? What's going on?" this Suigetsu guy yelled, not at all amused.

I, however, knew exactly what was going on. Without thinking, I quickly and gently took Aoba, and put him over my shoulder.

Doing the seals of my teleportation jutsu as fast as i could with a fully grown man plopped on my shoulder, I teleported Aoba and myself out of there, and ended up appearing between Kisame, who had a nasty gash on his arm, and Sasori.

"Run," Sasori said, and within a split second, I saw Itachi, followed by Naruto, Diedara and Shisui sprint past up in the trees.

As we disappeared from the base, I felt an uncomfortable feeling deep in my gut, and I just _knew _something was a miss. The way Itachi was speeding ahead, forcing us to travel fast, only reinforced the fact that things did not go exactly as planned in the infiltration.

Shit was about to go down.


	6. Chapter 6

**Funny Fates 6.**

Jiraiya-sama, Pein, Konan and Kakashi-sensei all sighed in unison.

"Tsu-Tsunade-sama, I think you should calm down now," Shizune nee said soothingly, stroking Shishou's back, trying to calm her down.

She was failing. Quite horribly, I should add.

"Nandato, Shizune? How can you expect me to calm down? Did you hear what that retard has done to _my _village? The infiltration was a failure-"

"Despite the information laid in front of you," Pein said, more than just a little sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Shishou death glared at him, her right hand balled into a fist, and it was glowing with chakra.

Jiraiya-sama sighed again. I could tell he was wondering how he would deal with Pein's lippy, smart-ass answers and Shishou's attitude to said smart-ass answers.

"Listen, Godaime, with all due respect, your priorities are exceptionally off today. Itachi and his team successfully mounted a very dangerous infiltration mission and have brought us quite a bit of very valuable information. It is my assumption that your loyalists still in the village will keep their mouths shut about this, and Madara is going to be rather frustrated, many people are going to be executed, of course, but we know for sure that none of them are going to be our allies. I suggest you put the effort of your anger into much more constructive things, like going through all the information we have been provided with, and seeing through our next plan of action," Pein said calmly, walking past Shishou and sitting right in front of her.

Shishou smashed her fist into the wall nearest to her, reducing it to rubble. Some of the Akatsuki members winced slightly. Konoha shinobi were used to this. How many times had she crushed buildings and obliterated training grounds back when she was Hokage because of her temper?

"Why the hell are you speaking to me as if I'm your age mate, gaki?" she snarled.

"Because quite frankly, you do behave like a spoilt child at times. Now, please take your seat. Jiraiya-sensei, Itachi, do join us before she blows another gasket. Her temper tantrums coupled with Naruto's vocal cords are not very pleasing to one's ears. There is only so much noise even the most resilient of us can tolerate."

By this time, I had stuffed my fist in my mouth to stop myself from laughing out loud. Talk about ownage.

Before Shishou could open up her mouth and reply, Konan brought forward a flask of sake and gently put it in front of her. Shihsou roughly opened it and took a swig.

"Now that you are feeling much better, I believe we should continue."

Shishou, for once, being speechless promptly sulked. After all, sake was the only thing that could bring her down form one of her infamous rages, and Pein knew this, and exploited it to its maximum potential.

No wonder Itachi respected them man. He always knew what would work in his favour.

I had to agree with Pein on this one. Shishou could be a real brat at times.

"I'm quite amazed at how she was able to successfully run a whole village with her attributes," Sasori commented, making himself comfortable on the couches with a cup of coffee. "Did she even ever do any paperwork? I'm shocked she could actually stay sober for more than six hours."

Kurenai-sensei simply shook her head, as she lay Roku, who was napping, on her laps. "You really don't want to know," she said.

"Very well, let us begin. Itachi, a report, if you may."

"We were on our way to Konoha when we met one of the Sand Siblings, Temari. She is the one that informed us to go to the northern base, also informing us that Aoba-san had been captured, and was seriously injured. He had been subjected to gross psychological and physical abuse, and though Sakura had done what she could, his physical injuries were too severe and he needed more time to rest," he said calmly, pin drop silence engulfing the room.

"This, of course, caused a major flaw in the plan, for Sakura needed to stay and monitor Aoba-san's progress. We were forced to leave them and Kisame for added protection and proceeded into Konoha. The security was quite appalling and we were able to sneak in within minutes of arriving."

"We quickly got to Shikaku, who gave us this information," he said, his gaze moving to the stacks of paper on the desk in front of them. "I took it upon myself to personally meet with Ibiki-san and he informed me that the hierarchy at Torture and Interrogations has been changed. He is still the head, of course, because he is just that brilliant, but he swarmed with Root and Madara's allies more that our loyalists, and he's really finding it hard to work as well as he did before, because of the style of interrogation used. He is still able to keep valuable information for us, and he told us that Kumo are slowy starting to rebel. The Raikage is not liking how Madara is working, and is only slightly...bending the terms of the contract they made after he overthrew you."

There was a silence so strong, you could literally hear it.

"Raikage...?" Shishou echoed dumbly. The Raikage was quite possibly the biggest asshole in the ninja world, and more often than not he really gave Konoha a hard time. I dreaded being sent on diplomatic missions there.

One thing I'll give him credit for, though, is that he was always very reasonable, and most of his decisions were for the long term betterment of the people, another reason why he and Shishou never got along all that well.

"The info on the paper?" Kakuzu aksed.

Itachi turned his intense gaze at him. "I'm not under any obligation to say anything concerning the information given to us by Shikaku, unless under the direct orders of hokage-sama." He said smoothly, and somewhere, very deep inside, I swear my inner fangirl swooned.

"Fine then. Pein, Konan, Tsunade and I will read these, and then we'll get abck to the rest of you. The Mizukage is sending some of her ANBU to meet up and tell us about the situation on her end. Hidan and Kurenai will go out and talk to them. Is there anything else you need to tell us, Itachi?" Jiraiya-sama asked.

"Yes, as a matter of fact. I do," he said quietly, and I knew the bad news was coming.

"We...were discovered as we were leaving, by one of the ROOT operatives and he raised the alarm." At this statement, Shishou and Pein whipped their heads to face Itachi again so fast, I was shocked they didn't get whiplash.

"You were WHAT?" Shishou roared, standing up aggressively and slapping her palm flat on the table, promptly breaking it in half. The papers flew all over around the now broken table, the sake bottle landing with a crash on her feet. Thankfully, none of it spilled on the papers we brought from our near-suicide mission.

"There was no carelessness on any of our parts, Hokage-sama. In fact, it seemed that this particular operative stumbled upon us by mistake."

"She was staring at me as if she's never seen a redhead before," Sasori drawled, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I told you to wear a hood. That bloody hair of yours is too distinctive," Shishou snapped.

"Well, you should wear a voice box controller, Godaime. Your loud voice is quite taxing to the ears. I do agree with Pein on that one," Sasori promptly retorted back, obviously taking offence at the jibe on his hair.

Shishou, in another show of childishness, slumped back on her chair, crossed her arms under her massive bossom, and sulked worse than Sasuke ever would in his life. Jiraiya-sama, being the major pervert he was, could not help but blatantly ogle. I had to bend down and pretend that I was picking up papers so that Shishou chould see that I was clearly struggling to keep a straight face.

"Perhaps we can get serious again? Really Godaime, as much as I'm aware of you lacking in maturity, I quite never expected it to be this bad," Pein said, the left side of his mouth twitching slightly.

"Go on, Uchiha," Shihsou growled, choosing to ignore everyone else.

"We would end up being forced to fight, and that would cause unnecessary wasted of chakra. We had a very injured ally, and we needed all the strength we could get to get him out of there as swiftly and safely as possible. We were outnumbered quite drastically, with each of us having to take on seven enemies or so each-"

"So you had Deidara detonate one of his clay bombs to cause as much mayhem as you possibly could to give you a good chance to escape, but you also realised that Madara would know who was the cause of that chaos and send his elite after you," Konan interrupted calmly, and Itachi's silence answered the question for her.

So _that's _why they had us sprinting out of the base as if Madara was right behind them.

"What about the base where Aoba was discovered?" Shihsou asked, looking at me.

"We were attacked too. I was attacked by some dude called Houzuki Suigetsu, or something. I heard Kisame fighting outside as well, but I could not tell who he was fighting. This Suigetsu dude had a massive _kibikiribouchou, _and he couldn't stop swinging it at me."

"Just as I thought. He got those Hebi Brats as well," Shihsou grumbled, like they sounded like an unnecessary nuisance she didn't want to have to deal with.

"Kisame?" I asked, looking at him.

"I was fighting some orange haired kid, and an _annoying, noisy, _redhead kunoichi. The girl was useless, but the other kid, Juugo, I think his name was, was half decent. I was still fighting when Itachi-san turned up and told us to leave immediately. Sasori went inside to probably get Sakura."

I looked back to where Shisou, Jiraiya-sama, pein and Konan were sitting, and Itachi's intense gaze was focused on me.

For a short moment, I stopped breathing. The butterflies in my stomach were going crazy.

A sigh. I didn't even know who sighed. I was utterly caught in Itachi's smouldering gaze.

"Very well. Thank you Itachi. Adjourned," Pein muttered.

I looked away, and I was thinking how far I'd get on my way to the kitchen before he'd get me.

"May I have a word, _Sakura_?" Itachi asked, his voice indifferent.

I gulped. "Sure. What's up?"

He dragged me into the lounge room, down the hall, outside into the training grounds. As usual, it was drizzling.

He pushed me until my back was against a huge tree trunk, and he bent down to my height, both hands on either side of my head.

"I thought I made it clear that you were not to fight unless it was a life to death situation," he said, calmly, yet again the undertones of steel leaking from his voice.

"It was a life or death situation. He attacked me," I replied back defensively, crossing my arms on my chest.

It may have been my imagination, but I _swear _his gaze dropped to my chest before he directed it to my face again.

"There was a way for you to escape, was there not?" he asked, his lilting voice dropped an octave lower.

I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing came out. Reason and logic were telling me it was because he had a point, he was right, but my physiological responses were telling me something else altogether.

I could see his muscles through his clothing, lean and clean cut. The medic part of me confirmed that he had not even a kilogram of fat on his gorgeous body. He was tense, his muscles coiled like a spring. He reminded me of a wild big cat; elegant, strong and _absolutely gorgeous._

His eyes, however, are what made me lose my voice.

They had darkened from the usual midnight blue to pitch black. The very edges were crimson, the tell-tale signs that he was aout to activate his kekkei genkai.

"Tomorrow, at eight am, meet me here. You're going to train with me."

He stood up straight to his full height and disappeared.

I let out a breath I never knew I was holding. What the _hell _was that?

**Yo.**

**I'm back. So sorry this has taken weeks to put up. School is such a bitch. I've quite never had such heavy assignments. Law school is A LOT of work, man.**

**Anyway, here it is. Enjoy. :D**


	7. Chapter 7

**Funny Fates 7.**

I was doomed, to be blunt. Totally doomed.

Oh God, why, oh _why _did I always have to be so headstrong? This is all Shishou's fault. She told me that I always had to be a strong kunoichi and go for whatever I thought was right, consequences be damned. The time I actually decided to do exactly that (against my better judgement, I must admit) I get into trouble with one of the most powerful shinobi of his generation and I'm now doomed to a spar with him at very ungodly hours of the morning in this bloody godforsaken _constantly rainy _place.

Not to mention he was just so _fucking hot _when he was...not as indifferent as he normally is. I mean, does he really get angry, or irritated? _Miffed _even?

Gaaah...no. Bad, bad, bad thoughts. Uchiha Itachi is not hot. Not. At. All.

_Damn straight he is. He's fucking Adonis in the flesh. _I chose to ignore my stupid inner and go on with my otherwise internal musings.

I mean, it was really awesome for Pein and Akatsuki to ally with us against Madara and all, but really, couldn't he choose a better place for headquarters? Preferably where, you know, _it bloody rained less?_

My date with the Grim Reaper (I'm still convinced even he holds a semblance of fear for Itachi. The things Kisame, Kakashi-sensei and Shishou have so politely informed me about the horrible, horrible effects of his tsukiyomi still make my skin crawl) was scheduled to be at eight am. It was six am and I was suffering from the most horrible case of insomnia. The sandman was very clearly being stingy with his stupid sand, so I decided I might as well get up and prepare for facing death.

If I was going to die, might as well look (relatively) good for one last time.

_That's so something Ino-pig would say, _my inner said, in a much more sober voice that usual.

I smiled sadly. I missed home so, so much. Jiraiya-sama and Shishou were right, however. It was going to take so long to get Konoha back. It would probably stretch a decade. I sighed and shook my head so as to rid myself of my sombre thoughts. The Grim Reaper and his devil spawns were waiting for me.

Why was I so terrified? I'd faced death before, so many times, and seventy percent of the time I almost accompanied it right into Hades. Why was a spar with Itachi scaring me so much?

_Because you've never faced a complete and fully formed sharingan before._

Dammit. I really hate when my stupid inner is right. I snorted inwardly.

After a much needed shower, I headed to the kitchen. I was very probably not going to eat solid food for quite a while, might as well have a thorough one now.

I was happily buttering my toast, minding my own business, when suddenly an ear-splitting scream echoed across the base, and probably also across Amegakure no Sato, effectively waking everyone else up.

"Keep it bloody down, you assholes. I'm trying to sleep over here," Kakuzu roared, before audibly grumbling something along the lines of not being a morning person and people like him being discriminated against.

For sheer entertainment (my last in a while), I travelled down the corridor to go see what all the ruckus was all about, and promptly allowed myself access into Sasori and Deidara's room, where aforementioned ear-splitting scream originated from.

"S-S-Sasori no danna, wh-wh-what in the fucking darkest pits of hell is that?" Deidara squeaked, looking like a terrified mouse cornered by a ravenous, sadistic cat.

Sasori sighed. "Why are you so noisy so early in the morning? I thought I informed you last night not to wake up early because I'll be finishing up with my latest puppet. Really, how incompetent do you keep getting?" he drawled, fiddling with what looked like a pair of lungs.

A very dried up, shrivelled, _disgusting _pair of lungs. Only being a medic and arguably seeing worse made me not hurl my breakfast, and the food I'd been consuming over the past three months.

Deciding that it would be best not to engage in that conversation for the sake of what was left of my sanity, I left the room. I walked out to the base, into the training grounds to await my doom.

I jumped onto a tree branch and lay on my back, my left leg bent and my right one dangling from it. After what seemed like an eternity, Itachi arrived. I looked at my watch. Eight on the dot. However, he had not come alone.

"Ne, ne, Itachi, why am I here so early, dattebayo? I already trained with Pein and Ero-senin and temee the other day. I'm not supposed to train until forty eight hours after my last training session, and it's only been two days," Naruto yelled, somehow managing to yawn while retaining his volume.

"It _is _forty eight hours after your last training session, dobe. That's the same as two days," Sasuke grumbled, looking half dead on his feet himself.

Behind them, stood Itachi, his hands casually stuffed in his pockets, his head bent down slightly, his overall body language relaxed. Kakashi sensei stood to his left, _Icha Icha _nowhere in sight, glancing at Naruto and Sasuke and wondering how he was going to shut them up, and Shisui was to his left, casually leaning against a tree, usual smug, arrogant smirk on his face.

I gulped. This was not good. This was not going to be a defeat, this was going to be an annihilation.

"Good morning, Sakura," Itachi greeted softly as he lifted his head to look right at me, his lilting tenor reaching my ears. "I believe it's time for a spar."

Naruto and Sasuke suddenly stopped squabbling, shinobi instincts informing them that something not very good was about to happen to them.

"I...thought this was a one on one spar. What are these guys doing here?" I asked with a calmness that I was not feeling, nudging my head in the direction of his small party.

Kakashi-sensei smirked dangerously under his mask, and I knew our fate was sealed when Naruto gulped and Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"It's been a while since the three of you trained together, isn't it? As the shinobi of the Konoha twelve with the most potential, we need you to be on your toes all the time, so we thought a...challenge might be in order."

"Naruto, Sasuke, come here," I ordered, and without thinking, they appeared beside me.

Shisui smirked and Itachi raised his eyebrow. "You have thirty seconds to think of a strategy, then we'll attack. Remember, this has been upgraded from a spar to training, so we expect you to come at us with killing intent, because you can bet your little, inexperienced assess that we _will _come at you with killing intent," Shisui announced enthusiastically, which may or may not give credence to my assessment that he is a sadist.

I _knew _that when Itachi suggested the spar yesterday that I was immediately doomed.

"Countdown begins now."

One look at Sasuke and Naruto and they understood exactly where we were to begin. We had been preparing for such an occasion, and though the results were not perfect yet, this would be an opportune time to see how much more we still had to learn.

I was counting down to thirty to my head myself, and when I got to ten, Naruto, who was on my right dove his right foot into the earth and Sasuke on my left did the same with his left foot, ready to pounce. The narrowing of Kakashi-sensei's eye informed me he had noticed this development.

I got to three and started pumping chakra into my left fist, the more powerful of my punches. At point five micro seconds before one, I punched the earth, releasing all the chakra accumulated in my fist. The ground was obliterated, and when I added more pressure into the ground, boulders literally flew into the air at the sheer force I'd applied. Rocks, tree trunks, dust and other debris flew into the air, and even with the sharingan, I was sure it was going to take some time to get clear vision.

The second my fist hit the ground, Sasuke and Naruto were out of there, and I followed but mere seconds later. Our adversaries were definitely faster, stronger and more experienced than us, but given the grunts of slight surprise I heard from all three of them, I could tell the element of surprise was on our side.

"Not too shabby," I heard Shisui comment, before chuckling lowly.

I smirked as I sprinted through the forest. This was going to be a very interesting spar yet. I knew I was gonna love this.

...

Three hours.

They had been deliberately chasing us and concentrating on long range attacks for _three goddamn hours _to tire us out then corner us and take us out in one strike.

I was _not _amused.

I was panting, tired and had fifty too many internal injuries. Sasuke and Naruto were standing on sheer will power and kyuubi chakra respectively.

Chakra control for the win, but even then, I was running on very low reserves. _Very low._

Kakashi-sensei, Itachi and Shisui on the other hand were looking like they were from a stroll on the park. They were breathing normal, they barely had any hits on them, and they looked like they were bored out of their minds.

Not to mention all three bastards had not a drop of sweat on them, while the three of us looked like we'd taken one too many dips in some dirty, dodgy fountain. A combination of sweat and dirt had us looking like shit.

"You guys look like shit," Kakashi-sensi drawled.

I clenched my fist, back to back with Naruto and Sasuke, staring defiantly at the three of them. I was _pissed._

"That was quite unexpected of you. The three of you do make quite a formidable team. I am rather impressed," Itachi said, stalking toward me with a quiet, predatory gait that was doing funny things to my thought process.

"Shit," Naruto grated out, his voice strained from a combination of adrenaline and the effort exerted from his fight with Shisui. "What do we do? Think of something, temee."

Sasuke growled. "Why the hell am _I _the one that has to think of something?" he asked, his own voice was hoarse and his exhaustion obvious.

"Because you're a genius, goddammit, and you've stayed with your aniki and sadist from hell longer than the rest of us. Sakura-chan will try and figure out what's going on in Kakashi-sensei's head."

_Good idea, baaka, but this is _Kakashi-snsei _we're talking about here. Trying to figure out his thought process will take much more effort than is acceptable at the moment,_ my inner grumbled in my head and I was inclined to agree.

"There's no way out of this. We just have to hope they let us keep our consciousness," Sasuke muttered grimly, sharingan eyes moving around suspiciously.

Itachi stood about three feet in front of me, Kakashi-sensei in front of Sasuke and Shisui in front of Naruto.

"Fuck," I ground out through gritted teeth.

"Quite the mouth you have there, _Sakura," _Itachi muttered lowly, and I _swear _on Shishou's last bottle of sake that his voice was..._sensual. _"It's not very ladylike to have such a dirty, filthy mouth, don't you agree?"

Dammit, why was my mouth going dry? Where the hell were my thought processes? Why were my legs feeling like jelly? Was it just me, or had the temperature suddenly increased? My stomach was just fine a couple of moments ago. Why was it so suddenly light and fluttering around like I had a colony of butterflies in there?

Why was I _aroused?_

It took every ounce of willpower I had left to get my goddamed hormones in control. This is why it was so bad being an elite shinobi as a teenager. You rarely had time to deal with the hormonal shit that came along with the teenage-hood luggage, so when the opportunity presented itself (usually at the most inappropriate times, like _now)_ aforementioned hormones went ballistic, again, like _now._

Fuck my life.

I barely lifted my arm when my nose was suddenly only half an inch in front of one of the walls that constituted our base.

My brain went blank. What the _fuck?_

As I calmed down, I begun to understand that I was, indeed, in a very...erm..._compromising_ situation, for lack of a better word, and my face went redder that Sasuke's tomatoes.

The palms of my hands were pressed on the wall, and I could feel Itachi behind me. _All of him._

He had one arm wrapped around my waist, the other one with a kunai on my jugular. I was crushed against his chest. Even a twist of my neck would enable him to slash my neck, effectively killing me. My legs were slightly apart, and one of his legs was between mine, no doubt to prevent any smart-ass moves on my part to attempt to escape. I could feel his well muscled shoulders and his rock hard abs on my backs, and on my ass...

His masculine scent of fresh rainwater and pine floated around, flooding my senses and absolutely overwhelming me.

I closed my eyes to try and think of other things. Other _less arousing _things, like drowning puppies, and strangling kittens and Kisame's digestive system, or Hidan's brain, or how Sasori creates his puppets, or Deidara's closet.

"You lose," he whispered in my ear, sounding so dangerously sexy, I had to bite my life to prevent a sound from escaping.

"I accept defeat," I said in a small voice, my annihilated pride paling in comparison to my raging arousal.

I really hate hormones.

He dropped the kunai, and for a heartbeat or two he still held onto me before letting go. When I felt that god-like body of his get off me, a small part of me was slightly disappointed.

I turned around to face him, face still red with embarrassment. When our eyes met, his mouth slowly curved into a predatory, satisfied, _clearly _masculine smirk, and my breath hitched in my throat at the man standing in front of me.

He was the perfect masculine specimen. Uchiha Itachi was a fucking sex god.

"Let's head back," he said, his lilting tenor an octave lower and very slightly rough, so slightly that I wouldn't have heard it if I wasn't listening.

Had I affected him? This thought was about to make me smirk, before it dawned on me what had just happened.

Where the hell were Naruto and Sasuke?

At this realisation, my face went beet red again.

"YOU UCHIHA PERVERT!"


	8. Chapter 8

**Oya,**

**I could come up with a million and one reasons as to why I haven't updated in very many months. However, because I'm a good writer and you all love me so much going by how much you've been spamming my inbox, I'll be honest. My laptop got totally fucked. For the geeks, lemme get a bit technical. The motherboard broke. I fixed that, then the RAM broke. I fixed that then the hard drive broke.**

**Being me, I got fed up of the stupid thing (which, should I add, is one and a half years old) and asked my dad for money for another one. I've gone through 3 laptops in 5 years. Dad, of course, wasn't amused. To punish me (THE HORROR! Oh God, the ABSOLUTE HORROR!) I haven't had a laptop since about October last year, hence the lack of updates. **

**So, we move on, now that you know my wonderful story.**

**Funny Fates 8.**

"Sakura, are you alright?"

Konan was looking at me as if I had lost it. It was the next day after the dreaded training, and I could still feel the heat of Itachi's body on my back. The reason we had been called here was because Kurenai and Kakuzu were back from meeting the Suna ANBU, and they were yet to give us their reports. Shishou, Jiraiya-sama, Pein and Konan had also read the information sheets that Ibiki had given Itachi and using this information we were supposed to figure out what our next course of action would be.

Madara was looking for a way to overthrow the Mizukage and Kazekage and replace them with some allies of his. We were not too sure of his plans, but Itachi, Shisui and Pein speculated that he was intending to overthrow the Raikage later on and subsequently control all the shinobi nations. They said he intended to use his Eye of the Moon Plan, since anyone powerful enough to oppose would either be dead or incapacitated by then.

Jiraiya-sama was rubbing his chin, musing on something. "I thought he needs an Uchiha to sync with the monster thingy-"

"Demonic Statue of the Outer Path," Pein and Itachi interrupted, correcting him in unison.

"-for the plan to be flawless?"

"Yeah, but he knows to get to him he has to pass through Itachi and me first, and he knows that's gonna be a bit of a hassle," Shisui said.

"How did you know that, Jiraiya-sama?" Yamato-taichou asked.

"My spies found out then Itachi explained it to me."

Monster thingy? Clearly, Naruto's idiocy was getting to Jiraiya-sama, I thought as I shook my head in wry amusement.

_No it's not. They're both idiots, _my Inner reminded me.

I snorted, though I ultimately agreed with her. They both were idiots.

However, we needed to get back to the meeting at hand. "What did Kurenai-sensei and Kakuzu find out from the Suna ANBU?" Ten-Ten asked.

"The Raikage is going against Madara. He slowly siphons money to the Mizukage, who distributes part of it to to Suna to fund us, then what she's left with she also funds to us slowly. The split funding is to lead Madara and Danzou off their tracks. She suspects that they either have moles or Madara is controlling someone using his genjutsu. Only she and a very select few of her elite she'd trust her life with are privy of this information. Gaara, Kankurou and Temari are also aware of what is going on. This is a plan the Raikage apparently came up with. He refuses to tell her why he is doing this, but he says he just trusts Pein with the money. He also told her to tell them to tell us that this money should benefit Tsunade-sama and her two apprentices, that's Sakura and Shizune just fine. He added something cryptic about paying better attention to the messages that will be coming from Konoha for the next few months, because they will be different." Kakuzu said.

"How do we know that the people Mizukage-sama has told aren't suspected for working with Madara?" Shisui asked.

"Because," Sasori drawled, speaking for the first time in a meeting, "she has one of the sharpest intuitions in the shinobi world. It's probably one of the many reasons she's still alive. Why do you think Madara is so weary of her?"

Sasori rarely spoke in meetings, apparently, so when he did, people listened. Contrary to his appearance, Sasori was one of the oldest and wisest Akatsuki members. He was the other only member Pein really paid attention to, other than Itachi. With their combined genius and wisdom, Akatsuki rarely went wrong. Very rarely.

Another thing that probably scared Madara shitless.

"So, hold on," Shishou interrupted. "That bastard said this money should be allocated to my apprentices and I?" she asked, wanting to confirm exactly what she's heard.

"Yes. He said you should wait first for the next message from Shikaku to come, read between the lines and then we will understand the importance of these finances," Kurenai-sensei confirmed.

It was dead silent in the room.

"The next message from Konoha comes in about forty eight hours, so we can wait," Gemna said. "For now let's deal with more urgent matters."

I looked at the clock on the wall and realised it was time I went and checked on Aoba-san.

"It's okay, Sakura. You can stop hiding behind me now. No one in this room is going to devour you," Konan said in that soft-spoken, calm voice of hers. The moment she finished saying that statement, the Fates decided to entertain themselves and told me to look in Itachi's general direction. Our gazes met and as I tried to calm myself (hormones are a bad, bad thing) he smirked at me. Konan, having witnessed the whole thing decided, for the sake of her sanity that she really didn't wanna know what was going on.

I still don't know what happened, and neither do I understand. One moment I was lifting my arm to do something, _anything, _and the next moment I found myself in Uchiha Itachi's arms, a kunai centimetres from my jugular and his lips right under my ear. I think at some point his arm around my waist tightened and I _swear_ I felt a hot and hard bulge on my lower back. When he whispered in my ear telling me to give up, it took all the self-control I'd ever possessed in my life not to whimper out in sheer pleasure.

"Is there something that happened between the two of you at some point in the near past?" Konan asked, her lip twitching suspiciously.

"Between the two of who?"

She levelled a perfectly blank stare at me.

" No. Of course not." I replied, fighting the blush that was threatening to bloom on my face.

"Then which Uchiha did you refer to as a pervert?"

Dammit. Was I really _that _loud? "Shisui…?"

She raised her eyebrow, non-verbally telling me she did not believe me. At. All.

"You really suck at lying, you know that?"

Needing to get out of there and fast, I told her that I had to go and check on Aoba's injuries. Without waiting for her reaction, I turned around and almost sprinted the hell out of there.

Then I heard it.

At first I thought it was just a figment of my imagination, but my gut instinct thought otherwise, and I had been a missing-nin long enough to know that I should always trust my gut instinct. _Always._

I stealthily ran towards the infirmary where Aoba was resting up, my hand in a fist glowing with chakra. Without even thinking, I immediately raised my arm and aimed to punch the person that was creeping towards him. Just about a second before my fist connected with their jaw, the person looked up and I saw a feminine face and blue eyes widen with a mixture of fear and shock. I punched her through the wall and a few trees as well for good measure. I immediately turned to where Aoba was, and thankfully nothing had been done. To be sure, however, I did a quick but thorough chakra scan of his system, and nothing was wrong.

I was still fussing over Aoba when Sasuke suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He saw the huge hall in the wall, the broken pieces of brick and cement all over, both inside the infirmary and outside as well. He saw broken tree trunks and some leaves still floating around, and a huge trench that was obviously caused by a human body sliding across the ground.

"Damn," he muttered, analysing the damage.

"She's somewhere around those broken trees over there," I said, fidgeting with Aoba's drip and jutting my thumb out to where three tree trunks were felled. "Get her and bring her in. I'm sure Shishou and Pein would like to have a few sharp words with her."

"You know, I may be an Uchiha, but I wasn't exactly blessed with inhuman monstrous strength. Unless you want me burn the tree trunks, risking burning her as well, risking having all my bones broken by you, I really don't think I can get her out of this carnage you've created," He said in that monotone voice of his, raising his eyebrow for good measure.

Sighing in irritation because of his rationality, I stomped my way into 'the carnage I had created' as Sasuke so aptly put it and pulled the tree trunks off, one by one. By the time I was lifting the last one off I heard some ruffling in the other trees around. Instinctively, I swung the tree trunk around, hoping it would crush the skull of whoever it was that was trying to sneak up on me.

"Whoa, there," I heared Shisui say, incredulous amusement in his voice. "It's just me. Take it easy, kiddo."

I let out breath I didn't know I was holding in. "Oi, Shisui, don't you dare sneak up on me like that. I've been a missing-nin long enough to cultivate more than enough paranoia."

"My bad, my bad. We just heard a lot of ruckus going on around here and your beloved mentor decided it would be appropriate to send me to see what was going on."

He looked around at the disaster that was the place and whistled. "Damn. You can really cause a lot of damage."

Forgetting I still had a massive tree trunk in my hand, I handed over the culprit to Shisui. Her face was smashed up pretty bad, but that was really nothing Shizune-nee nor Shisui couldn't handle.

"Just in case you've forgotten, you're still holding a massive tree trunk in your hand," Sasuke reminded me. Giggling sheepishly, I flung it toward the forest, and it landed around where the other broken tree trunks were.

"I find it very interesting how you can fling around whole broken tree trunks as if they are twigs," Shisui said.

"Just shut up and let's go," I muttered, leading the way.

We walked towards the sitting room where we were before, then I let Shisui lead on from there, since he knew where Shishou and the rest were. He led us to the dining room, where Deidara and Naruto were stuffing their faces.

"What was happening?" Pein asked, eyes narrowed, looking at us.

"She," I said, pointing at the kunoichi in Shisui's grasp, "tried sneaking into the infirmary and probably try to kill Aoba. She looks like she's from ROOT, though we aren't too sure."

"Is that because you knocked her out before we could figure that out?" Kakashi-sensei asked, shaking his head slightly at my behaviour.

"Actually, Kakashi, she didn't knock her out. She just totally and thoroughly destroyed her jaw, so she needs to be healed first before we can get any information from her," Shisui said, showing her mangled face to everyone else. Deidara and Naruto went green and looked like they were about to throw up all their food.

"Also, the wall to the infirmary that looks to the forest has been destroyed. I think we need to move that guy from there until it's repaired," Sasuke said, making Pein glare hell fire at me, his irritation _clearly_ evident from his narrowed, Rinnengan'd eyes.

Shit.

"It was kinda spur of the moment. I'm sorry," I muttered in way of explanation, which never helped, if the clenching of his fist was of any indication.

I squeaked, before promptly leaping and hiding behind Shihsou, who just shook her head at my behaviour.

"Crap, oi, Aoba, what the _fuck?_ You just got back up. Stay in bed until we get Godaime-sama," we heard Gemna's yell.

"I…I…I must…I must talk to her," Aoba rasped. "Division in Konoha…"

Silence.

What the hell is going on?

**Personally, I don't think this is as good as I would have liked. Granted I haven't written in a while, and I may have gotten a bit rusty, but it hasn't come out to my expectations. My sincerest apologies if this has wasted your time. Enjoy it, nonetheless. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Ay my people,**

**I'm not even gonna bother with excuses (I've used that line so much it's gotten old. I know. I'm sorry), so I'll just get out with it. There have been zero updates because of a combination of three things: school, writer's block and laziness, in that order. Fear not, though, coz I'm back. I may be rusty; it's been a while, but I hope you enjoy it. I do apologise if it is a waste of your time.**

**Funny Fates 9.**

I was having a problem with physically closing my mouth. I was also contemplating on whether to attempt to injure Pein or just black myself out.

I always knew the fates were sadistically making my life as fucking miserable as possible for their own sadistic entertainment, but honestly speaking this was just ridiculously quite over the top.

"You seem to have a problem with what I have decided, Sakura," Pein said, arranging the thick stacks of paper work on his desk. We had just concluded a meeting. He had wanted to see me personally, because of my recent… behaviour.

"Does the fact that my mouth has refused to close give that away, Sir?" I asked, with only just a little sarcasm in my tone, which, of course, he did not appreciate, if the narrowing of his eyes and sudden stopping of his paper arrangement was any indication.

We had yet to have a meeting with everyone else concerning Aoba, the blacked out ROOT spy and some written messages we had received from Konoha. Meanwhile,

"Can't I even use the sitting room?"

"No."

"Why?"

"It is unsafe."

"How? This is the freaking Akatsuki base. It's not like I'll be raided or anything."

"Not for you, for everyone else."

"How?"

"Your privacy will be compromised."

"And just why are you so worried about that?"

"Because you'll injure everyone that accidentally walks in on you in your intimate moments."

He did have a point, but he made it sound so _dirty_ by saying intimate.

"Anyway, Sakura, just what is wrong with temporarily accommodating with Itachi in his room until Aoba moves out of your room? Is it not your fault you're in this situation anyway?" Pein asked, having arranged his paperwork and ready, sitting back in his chair, hands neatly folded on his lap, obviously impatient to finish this conversation.

For an orphan, he really was polished.

He did have a point, though. I'm the one that destroyed the wall of the infirmary when I smashed that spy into it as she tried to disrupt Aoba's medical rest. It's not like there was anything else I could do. Now I was kicked out of my room and it was turned into the temporary infirmary until the wall was fixed.

However, sharing a room with Itachi would be…not desirable. What with my suddenly awakened hormones (which, by the way, were all his bloody fault) sharing a room with any dude would be borderline disastrous. It would just turn to anarchy with Itachi because he was _Itachi._

I still hadn't forgotten the feel of his broad shoulders and his muscled chest on my back, his rock hard abs, and on my lower back…

I closed my eyes and gulped. Nothing would change Pein's mind. I'd just have to deal with it somehow. I was a kunoichi, and nothing turned a kunoichi on more than a man with a perfect musculature, and good Kami-sama Uchiha Itachi was fucking Adonis in the goddamn flesh. I was a medic, and even from a medical perspective he had almost no body fat deposits. He only had what was needed for survival. The rest was sheer muscle.

Shit.

Getting my hormones in a semblance of order, I looked at Pein. "Whatever. It's temporary anyway, so I'm sure we'll work something out that would suit the both of us."

_Yes, but how long is temporary? _My inner asked. Naturally, I chose to totally ignore her and deal with that particular problem when it arose.

"Good. I take it I can call everyone else and we can discuss what needs to be discussed?" He asked. I nodded my assent.

He proceeded to open the door to the dinning room, and everyone who was sitting outside walked in.

"What were you talking about?" Sasori drawled, plopping himself next to me and idly attaching a chakra string to a spoon on the other end of the table and pulling it toward himself. He then produced a tub of yoghurt from his pocket, opened it and proceeded to begin eating.

I always wondered about Sasori. He kind of reminded me of Kakashi-sensei, what with both their aloof, indifferent and deceptively lazy outlooks on life, despite the fact that both of them were disturbingly powerful. The only difference was that Kakashi-sensei was actually empathetic, whereas Sasori wasn't. Nonetheless, I got along with him better than most of the others in their organisation, like Hidan for example.

"We were discussing where I'd be staying till the wall in the infirmary was fixed. I'm stuck with Itachi, and knowing Pein, he'll take as long as he reasonably can to not fix that motherfucking wall because he knows it'll irritate the hell out of me, soulless prick," I grumbled, crossing my arms under my chest.

Sasori smirked. "That should teach a normal person a lesson, but you definitely aren't normal."

"And you are?" I retorted back.

He chuckled, something I never expected. "I'm weird. Everyone in Akatsuki is. You're just defiant, and Pein doesn't like it. You just kinda get away with it because you're a pretty powerful kunoichi for a brat your age," he replied, enthusiastically eating his yoghurt.

I snorted good-heartedly. "With a teacher and teammates like mine, it's not like I had much of a choice."

Then I glared. "Also, I'm not a brat."

"Alright brats, let's get to this," Shishou said, and the room got serious again.

"First of all, we have those cryptic messages that Raikage asshole told Kurenai and Kakuzu. We have absolutely no idea what the hell they are, but Shikaku and Shikamaru have assured us that they are working on them. It's pretty heavy, it's just a box of scrolls, but I think Pein and Akatsuki should look at them and see if there is something they can recognise from them the moment they arrive, regardless of whether they have been figured out or not," Shihsou said.

"Next," Pein took over from her, "we have the finances we have been receiving. Normally, we can fend for ourselves well enough, but as we have all been informed, we are receiving extra funding, mostly from Kumagakure no Sato, of which we are not complaining. This funding, however has come with strict instructions that it should be used by the Godaime and her two apprentices for medical purposes, which is a welcome relief. We are well aware how medicine has deteriorated in Konoha since Madara took over, and we have not had enough money to cater for them. This will give us a chance to purchase what we need for them to create what is needed and this knowledge to be distributed to the other villages, and I take it from there they will proceed with the rest."

Right at that moment, Gemna burst into the room and promptly informed us that Aoba had awakened.

"He's still pretty week, and according to Shizune it's going to take another couple of weeks before he can be active again, but he's going to be alright, and that's all that matters at this point in time, I suppose," he added, senbon moving from one end of his mouth to another, an uneasy smile forming on his lips.

Walking over to my room (temporary infirmary), we all crammed ourselves in different corners, and listened to the conversation Aoba and Shishou were having.

"About time you woke up. We were quite worried," she semi-shouted, in that way we knew that she was concerned but we knew she was trying to hide it.

"My apologies, Tsunade-sama, but there really was no other way," he replied, his voice slightly hoarse. That, however would be remedied after a few days' rest.

"There is some important news you must know, and I think this will help us greatly in the defeat of Madara and Danzou."

There was pin-drop silence in the room.

"There is division between the elite forces of Root and the renegades Madara brought with him. Danzou also tends to disagree with some of the policies Madara is enforcing. He may have been a little more greedy for power than he should have, but we all know that Danzou always looked at the needs of the village before above all else, including his own. Madara, on the other hand, doesn't care in the least about the village. All he's worried about is solidifying his own authority, and if it means the village will deteriorate, then so be it."

Shishou's fist was clenched so tight, I was shocked that her nails hadn't cut the skin of her palm yet. Her face was blank, but the very slight chakra glow on her fists clearly belayed her rage. Aoba, though, was not finished.

"There have been countless of skirmishes between ROOT and those Madara worshippers, more so after you guys infiltrated Konoha. Gemna explained it to me," he added by way of explanation at the raised eyebrows in the room questioning how he knew.

"Both Madara and Danzou are trying to ignore the conflict between their factions, but they are both aware it won't be long before a full civil conflict happens. Of course, neither of them wants that. They are both aware how nobody in the shinobi world supports them, and even the slightest instigation against each other will weaken them and they'll be susceptible to outside invasions."

A long silence followed this information we'd all received. There was a mixture of good news and bad news, and we somehow had to figure out how all this would benefit us in any way.

Pein eyed Aoba. "This internal skirmish you speak of, has it always been threatening to happen or were there small scale conflicts prior to our infiltration?" he asked deliberately.

"I suppose there was always distrust between both their subordinates, but I'm pretty sure blood has started spilling now after your infiltration. That day, ROOT was in charge of the village security, and considering the fact that you were able to get in, communicate with your allies and get out so quickly clearly showed the breach in the system currently in place, which was designed by Danzou." He replied.

From the corner of my eye, I could see both Jiraiya-sama and Pein's lips twitch.

"Are any of our allies in danger?" Kurenai-sensei asked.

"None, as far as I could tell. They are working so well together, covering each other's backs that Madara is finding it very hard to implicate them for anything. He suspects that they are secretly working to protect everyone that fled the village, but without any hard physical evidence, nothing at all can be proven against them. Akimichi Chouza also gave me those booklets of food vouchers and told me to hand them all to you guys. They are in my bag, if you bothered to carry it."

Kakuzu went and fetched him his bag, and after he rummaged through it, he removed a scroll that was sealed. Upon breaking the seal a mountain of about fifty or so vouchers appeared from it. These would definitely last a long, _long _time, even for someone like Hidan who's been known to obliterate whole pantries of restaurants during missions.

It was times like these that I got hopeful, despite my status as a missing nin. This is all I needed to remember that no matter what happened, there were always people who had my back and were looking out for me. _Always_.

"How wonderful," Shizune-nee said, enthusiastically scooping up the booklets in her hands and taking them over to the store room where mission supplies were kept.

"Dude, just one question, yeah," Deidara asked, visibly impressed by all the information Aoba was able to relay. "How the hell did you manage to find all that out?"

Aoba smiled. "Summons."

Ten-Ten smiled slightly, before Gai-sensei and Lee could be heard shouting how the youthful vigour of Konoha shinobi could never be taken away from them no matter who the foe was.

Sasuke, however, brought us all back to earth. "We still have that spy to think about. Did she try to kill Aoba because she wanted to prevent him to relay that information to us, or is there something else?"

Suddenly grim, we all looked at the direction of the holding room.

"We just have to wait and find out, won't we?" Itachi responded.


	10. Chapter 10

**Funny Fates 10.**

It was finally night time, and I was _not _in a favourable position.

I had been a missing-nin for three years. I had experienced some things that my civilian age-mates would never experience in their lifetime, and I doubt they would experience it in the next one. I had fought some ridiculously powerful creatures, where the odds were massively stacked against me _including_ bijuu. I had experienced grief I'd never wish on my worst enemies, not even Madara. However, I had never, _ever, _felt as disadvantaged as I felt at this particular moment.

I looked up to the heavens. This is _not _funny, Master Fates. Not funny. At. All.

How the hell was I going to _survive _this_? _

"You seem as though you have never seen a double bed before, Sakura. There is nothing in there that will harm you," Itachi told me.

His rich, lilting tenor was calm, relaxed, and it made me think of a luxurious mixture of crushed velvet and melted chocolate.

Itachi's room was…spectacular. That's just the best word I can use to describe it. Absolutely spectacular. It mirrored his personality. It was almost an extension of _him, _and this was clearly not a good thing for me.

It was quite plain, no fancy colours or decorations, but it was unbelievably elegant in its simplicity. It was rather monotone, with all round deep blue walls, but the massive mahogany bed and the matching bedside drawers on either side of it, both with bedside lights, stood out like Sasori's red hair. In one corner of the room, there was a small but executive desk (mahogany) and an executive, swingy leather chair (black). In the middle was a coffee table, with a shogi board that had neatly arranged pieces on them. His huge sliding wardrobe was unbelievably neat for a bachelor shinobi, one side for clothes and the other for weaponry. His bathroom was a typical bachelor's bath: toothpaste, toothbrush, shaving cream and a razor. He even had a brush that he used to apply the cream when he shaved. The sink basins, like the showers were made of glass, with brass taps and handles. The walls and floor were tiled.

Simple, elegant and sophisticated, just like the occupier.

The interior design of his room, however, was not my main concern at the moment.

"Are you sure you're alright with us…sh-sharing your bed?" I asked slowly, looking everywhere but at him.

"Ah, do you have a problem with us sharing my bed?" he replied just as slowly, his voice dropping an octave and sounding very _sensual._

Oh Kami-sama. What have I ever _done _to deserve this?

I looked down at my hands, and begun twiddling my thumbs in my nerves. Swallowing hard, I tried to think up an appropriate response. Before I could even open up my mouth, however, he had appeared right in front of me and wrapped an arm around my waist, and his other hand was on my chin, forcing me to look up at him. Because I was literally pushed up against his body, I had the palms of my hands flat on his chest.

The look on his face made my mind turn to mush, and I could not, for the life of me, even _breathe, _let alone _talk_ properly. A quiet, unintentional gasp escaped me.

His eyes had darkened quite considerably, and were as black as his hair, as opposed to their usual midnight blue. The outer edges of his irises were crimson, tell-tell signs that he was just about to activate his kekkei genkai, and his smirk…

His smirk was everything Ino, the expert on men once warned me about. It was everything dark and dangerous; very self-satisfying and masculine, _hungry and predatory._

Uchiha Itachi was just about the sexiest man I had ever seen in my _life, AND _I would be sharing a bed with him, _his _bed, in _his _room for an indefinite period of time.

"Tell me, Sakura," he purred, and my salivary glands chose this time to absolutely stop working, "have you ever shared a bed with a man before?"

I instinctively licked my dry lips, and his gaze dropped to them, before becoming even darker, if that was even possible.

If it was anyone else, I would have pushed them through the wall, and proceeded to smash their jaw, but I couldn't summon my strength. It's like I completely lost myself in his arms.

"Well," I started, my voice slightly rough. "I've shared a bed with Naruto once, when-"

"No," he interrupted, his chocolaty tones making moisture rapidly build between my legs. "You seem to misunderstand." He slightly inclined his head until his lips were directly under my ear. I could not prevent the shudder that raked my body when he brushed his lips on my skin. In response, his arm wound tighter around me, pulling me closer into his god-like body, causing me to wrap my arms around his neck.

Dear Kami-sama in the heavens above his _musculature…_

"I asked if you have ever shared a bed with a _man_, not a _boy_," he whispered heatedly in my ear, and I only just managed to bite my tongue to prevent the whimper threatening to leave my throat.

"No," I squeaked, my face redder than Sasuke's favourite tomatoes.

Suddenly, he let go of me, and I almost stumbled trying to regain my balance. "Very well. I believe you'll find the experience rather…different."

I swallowed dryly, before gathering what was left of my courage and making my way to the bed, _his _bed. I was too aroused to think of what he meant when he said different, though I knew for a fact he did not mean it in its true context.

I curled myself into a little ball in the furthest corner, as close to the edge as I could, closing my eyes and tightening my legs together. His bed was warm, and his black, silk sheets smelt of fresh rainwater and pine, the very masculine scent that constantly surrounded his person.

I clenched my jaw and tried to force myself to sleep, and as my stupid head was still contemplating how sexy that particular scent was, I felt a soft ruffling, before his warmer, larger body slipped into the bed behind me. To my relief, he did not come into any physical contact with me, but I could almost _hear _his smirk as he bid me good night.

Oh boy.

…

"What the fuck did you tell me, you stupid cunt?" Hidan's annoying, unrefined yell woke me up.

That guy needed some serious discipline, and I knew form experience the best way to give him such discipline would be by way of a spar. I would utterly annihilate him, and because he was immortal (well, not really, but you'd have to go well above and beyond what would normally kill a human being to 'kill' him). I wouldn't hold back and good Kami-sama it would be so freaking gratifying.

"I said no matter who or what you bring to attempt to extract information from me, I will never tell you anything about Danzou-sama and his noble intentions considering our beloved village," an equally unrefined, yet much more feminine voice responded. It was not a voice I'd heard before, so it would only be reasonable to deduce that the voice belonged to the spy I had…received, rather gracefully.

Ah, the spy.

I snorted in my head. Noble plans indeed.

"For goodness' sake, you bloody idiot," I heard Kakuzu snarl, his irritation with Hidan's idiocy clearly evident in his tone. "I told you not to do anything concerning the captive until Pein-sama and Godaime arrive. Are you hard of hearing or has lack of oxygen finally reached that shrivelled collection of cells in you skull you call a brain?"

Even in my morning grumpiness, I couldn't help but smirk. Kakuzu really had a way with words. His insults were so original and just…cruel.

"The fuck you babbling on about, dickhead? This bitch is telling me shit, and you expect me to shut up?"

It was going to be a long day.

I was seriously contemplating just staying in bed all day, but I knew that was never gonna happen. I stretched, hearing my bones cracking back to place, (on _silk sheets_) and when I turned I saw that the spot where Itachi slept last night was empty.

I raised an eyebrow. According to Sasuke, Itachi wasn't really a morning person. Going by the birds chirping outside it couldn't have been any later than about eight. The room smelt fresh too, as if someone had just taken a shower.

My shinobi instincts kicked in. Something was going on.

Faster than lightning, I got out of bed and prepared myself for what I knew was going to be an unnecessarily annoying day. Within twenty minutes, I was in the sitting room, and when I got there what I saw nearly made me keel over in shock.

Right there, a bleeding mess on the floor was a deer, a stag to be more specific. He was definitely one of the animals from the Nara forest, and such damage could only have been dealt by a shinobi. He was _barely_ alive, and he would not be alive any longer if someone did not do something.

Was Madara onto them?

Trying to quell my panic, I rushed to him and begun to channel healing chakra through my hands. His eyes were gleaming, and even an idiot would be able to tell that he was slowly dying of blood loss. My first priority was to stop the bleeding. After fifteen minutes, the bleeding stopped, but even I knew this battle wasn't over.

I had absolutely no idea what to do next. The logical thing would be to to let the stag rest, but that's a logical step for _humans. _I'm not a vet.

Oh, what I'd give for an Inuzuka right now.

Just then Shizune-nee walked in. She was clearly struggling not to panic, and I knew she's seen this way before.

"I've just told Tsunade-sama. Even she doesn't know what to do. I've tried going through her notes, but I can't find anything. If only the Inuzuka could have brough some scrolls in the box-"

"The box," I suddenly shrieked, remembering.

"What?"

"The box that came from Konoha. Remember the Raikage said that they'd be cryptic messages for us from Konoha? He knows how we're always so on top of going-ons in Konoha. He's aware we use the Nara forest animals, and he's also aware that someone might have figured out. Why do you think we never got those notes as recently as we'd have liked? He was buying time for us, keeping Madara busy as the Inuzuka gave us info on how to treat the animals from the Nara forest in case something like this happened. That's why the Inuzuka are such a recognised clan in the shinobi world. They are the only ones that specialise in shinobi-based animals, whether or not they are summons" I said, my smile suddenly nearly splitting my face at the realisation.

Kakuzu raised his eyebrow, impressed. "You may not be a genius, but you _are _very intelligent, Haruno."

I tried smirking, but all I could pull off was a shaky smile. "I try."

There was no time to lose.

Sprinting to get the box (and literally _throwing_ anyone out of the way if they didn't move fast enough) I got to the box and rummaged through it looking for a scroll that did not look like it had Shishou's scribbles on it. (Really, even though she was a doctor, her hand was absolutely _terrible. _The only people who had worse writing than her that I'd seen were Naruto [for obvious reasons] and Kakashi-sensei [who's handwriting was something of a mixture of calligraphy and scribbling]. Even my handwriting wasn't _that_ bad).

Finding them, (they were only three), I hurriedly opened them with shaky hands, and not being able to read and heal sufficiently with the time constraints, I teleported to where Shizune-nee and the stag was and read her the instructions. After about half an hour of what would, medically speaking, be called a surgical procedure, we could see a marked improvement on the Nara forest stag. His eyes had brightened again, and he no longer had a fever. His breathing was now much calmer, and he even looked at ease, not like before where he was evidently in gruesome pain.

Healing animals was very similar to healing humans, but it had intricate differences, particularly on things like how and where to channel chakra. In the end, however, we managed to save the stag, and all we had to do was give him a mixture of herbs and grasses that, thankfully, could be found anywhere in the forest every few hours and he would slowly generate his own blood. Hopefully within forty eight hours he'd be right as rain.

Either way, this still did not alleviate the sinister feeling I had.

It was time to go speak to a certain spy. This was promising to be quite entertaining, I smirked to myself.

**Finally, some action going on. Don't expect too much, though, what with other such mundane things like school and a life. Also, the reason why this is not up as fast as I'd liked is because I'm still getting over the legendary epicness that is the Dark Knight Rises. Seriously, if you haven't watched it…I don't know what to tell you.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Just a clarification. Please note that I use UK grammar as opposed to US grammar. I'm Kenyan, and we're a recent-ish ex-British colony, so the subtle spelling differences you'll notice aren't typos, it's just different. You can stop telling me about my spelling now. As a law student it seriously wounds my pride. :D**

**Funny Fates 11.**

Shisou, Kakashi-sensei, Shisui and Sasori were very amused. Pein, on the other hand, was fuming.

Me? I was _infuriated._

This was the reason we were standing about three kilometres north of the Akatsuki base in Amagakure no Sato, in what was a dense forest.

Or perhaps I should say we were standing in a fifteen or so kilometre radius of totally obliterated ground of a dense forest. This was what I did when I was angry. I look for a nice piece of land and go smashy-smashy, or in normal shinobi words, I train.

If I wasn't as angry as I was, I'd have been damn proud of what destruction my monstrous strength could do, but I was infuriated. It was written all over my face, it was in my body language, it was in my chakra. I was fucking angry. Even after two and a half hours of brutal taijutsu and ninjutsu training I was mad. Two and a half hours of turning a forest into broken apart ground, splintered trees, patches of mud, desecrated ground and zero grassland, I was _angry_.

The only thing that stopped me was Shishou countering a massive crater-creating punch of mine with her own equally massive crater-creating punch. It was the only that _could _stop me.

"You have vastly improved, Sakura. I'm quite proud of you. Dare I say, you do more destruction that me, though not as wide an area. That can be explained by the fact that you have slightly better control me and I have slightly more raw strength than you. Nonetheless, this is quite fantastic," Shishou praised, the joy clearly evident in her voice.

"Your compliments are appreciated, Shishou," I snapped, rage pouring out of my words.

"What are you doing, _Haruno_?" Pein snarled, rinnengan'd eyes narrowed into slits.

"Training. Don't you encourage that?" I snarled back, my own eyes equally narrowed. The only reason I never mentioned his name the same spiteful anger he said mine was because this was _Nagato Pein_. I was good, but he was _brilliant. _He could kill me in seconds if he chose to.

"Isn't this a bit too much?"

"Is it?"

"Stop snapping back at me, _brat._"

"You're one to talk, _sir."_

"How entertaining," Sasori interrupted. At his voice, we both turned our heads in his direction, and at speeds Shisui would be proud of, I blinked right where he was and threw a chakra-infused punch right at the spot where he was standing.

Sasori, however, blinked away at an equally impressive speed, and my punch hit the ground, causing it to cave in and disintegrate into a massive crater. The area around the ground I'd punched split apart, massive fissures spreading out like spider webs. It looked like an earthquake had split the ground apart.

Everyone jumped in the air to avoid the impact of my destruction.

"Oh, that left hook. How many jaws has she smashed with that punch?" Shisui asked Kakashi-sensei.

"Quite a number, I should say. I can assure she's smashed more skulls than jaws in, however. Very similar to Tsunade-sama, really," Kakashi-sensei drawled, his eyes crinkled.

I wondered if I could get to him fast enough to smash _his _jaw in. Naah, he'd probably escape.

Damn freaky prodigal genius.

"Didn't know you do water jutsu too. You _are _pretty awesome."

"Shut _up_. I am _not_ in the mood," I growled through clenched teeth. Really, by the time I was going back to base, I'm sure I'd have lost about three inches of enamel on my teeth.

"How utterly fascinating."

I _froze_.

That voice, that smooth, lilting, _sexy _voice froze me in place. I was still crouched, one knee on the ground and my fist at the very centre of a huge crater with massive fissures extending from it. Turning my head slightly to the right, I turned to face him, and only a combination of self-control, determination and rage allowed me not to lose face.

The weakness I felt in my knees and the millions of butterflies in my stomach, however, were another story altogether. Nobody needed to know _that, _though.

It was a well-established fact that Uchiha Itachi showed almost no emotion. If he did, there was a very high chance that you'd cease to exist within the next few seconds. This instance, however had to be an exception, and I really wasn't sure whether to be terrified or flattered at being one of the exceptional few to see something of emotion on the infamous Uchiha Itachi's face and live.

The fact that it was the _wrong _emotion did not count.

He had that same look as he did on that night a fortnight ago, that very first night the Fates decided to intervene with Pein's otherwise brilliant mind and convince him it would a fantastic idea for me to temporary accommodate with Itachi in his room as mine was (still _is_. Soulless, sadistic bastard has _refused _to repair the infirmary wall, dammit) being used as the temporary infirmary. That hungry, predatory look of pure, unadulterated _desire. _

Now, lust from males I could deal with. All I had to do was land one right hook on their jaw and promptly smash it faster than they could react. If they were lucky (and smart) enough, they would wake up with their face bandaged in a hospital room, and realise I was the wrong kind of girl to send their unwanted leering to, so from then on, they'd very likely be very careful at what they said or did around me.

What I could _not _deal with, however, was a man who was so unbelievably _handsome, _that even my hormones were not sure whether it was lust or genuine attraction.

He was standing on a tree branch, casually leaning against it with absolutely no care in the world. I'd seen him in that stance quite a number of times, the only difference was that this time he was in full ANBU gear, the ultimate kunoichi aphrodisiac.

I felt the moisture pooling between my legs. That had been happening a lot lately, this whole arousal nonsense. I totally blame it on the hormones. Yep, hormones, damn things. _Totally._

He leaped from the tree branch and gracefully landed on the ground. I gulped. Why couldn't someone say something, or even do something. _Anything._

My face still fixed in an angry expression, I slowly stood up to face him. I noticed his intense, crimson eyes follow every single movement, and I knew he had not missed a single movement I had made with that kekkei genkai of his. His smirk widened.

My inner swooned and promptly fainted. How he could be so effortlessly _sexy _without even _trying _was quite beyond me.

Rage, however, kept my hormones in check. "What exactly is so fascinating, _taichou_?" I hissed, internally very proud that my voice hadn't wavered or cracked or showed any other sign of my lust.

"The fact that those very hands that can bring a dying a comrade back to life can cause such destruction. Quite a contrast of abilities, and that is what makes you such a formidable, unique kunoichi," he replied smoothly, his intense gaze still trained on me.

"Oi," Naruto's obnoxious voice cut in, just what I needed. Thank you, Kami-sama. "It's time we went in ne? We have news for you guys."

I turned around and followed Sasuke, who had also just arrived, toward the base.

How did we get into this particular situation?

Well, let's backtrack to about a fortnight ago, when I found myself in Itachi's arms and a very heated conversation took place. Fast-forward to the next morning and there was Nara forest stag bleeding to death in the sitting room. After healing the stag and being reassured that he'd live, I (in retrospect, it _was _against my better judgement, but another of the many bad habits I inherited from my Shishou was deliberately pissing off authority) promptly took myself into the room Madara's Konoha spy was being held and begun interrogating.

Now back in Konoha, I was never trained at interrogation (for obvious reasons. Subtlety and patience weren't exactly my strongest points). That was more of Ino's forte. I was strictly the ANBU field medic. My zero skills at dealing with captives combined with my mood at the time caused a little bit more chaos than was necessary and, naturally, Pein decided to come see what was going on. When he saw that I had pushed the bitch so hard into the wall that there was a human-shaped pattern in it, he raised an eyebrow and in his typical blunt way told me I'm totally useless at this kind of thing and I should stick to healing. Before I could retort he sent me away and told me to go get Shisui because he was pro.

My irritation amplified to dangerous levels (Naruto simply took off when he saw me, and Sasuke was looking very apprehensive) I informed Shisui in clipped tones that he was needed for interrogation. For some reason, I followed because I wanted to see how 'skilled people got very important aspects of shinobi information gathering done' as Pein eloquently stated.

Arrogant prick.

Watching Shisui actally d the interrogation showed me why he was way up there with his cousin a powerful shinobi. The amused smirk on his handsome face immediately wiped off, and the trademark blank Uchiha expression took over. His tone was quiet and intimidating, and he never hesitated using his sharingan to read her expressions if he thought she was trying to be evasive.

"Is Madara's administration onto the Nara clan?" he demanded quietly, his voice deadly.

Even from the door I could see the fear in her eyes. "I'm not sure," she whispered.

Shisui's crimson eyes narrowed. He was not Shisui anymore, he was Operative Uchiha, and the inner shinobi had come out. "You're lying. I'm going to ask you again. Is Madara's administration onto the Nara clan?"

Silence. The spy's fear was almost palpable.

"Listen here, you are very fortunate that I'm giving you a choice to talk. I could very easily put you in a genjutsu and read your mind like a book. Your death is inevitable, and just how painful it will be is very dependent on how corporative you are. I have already decided you'll have a slow, painful one, because this has taken much more of my and my allies' time than is acceptable."

I heard her start sobbing, and her shoulders shook as she wept. Suddenly she gasped, and for a moment she looked stunned, as she was in a stupor.

Then the screaming begun.

It was a scream of pure agony, echoing all over the base. What actually scared me, however, was the look on Shisui's face.

He was as stoic as the best of them, his pale face as blank paper. His eyes were a rich crimson, and the tomoe of his sharingan were slowly and deliberately spinning in an anti-clockwise direction.

I knew for a fact that he had applied a genjutsu on her, and it was no doubt a deadly one, but I'd seen both Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei use their sharingan for torture before, and by this time they'd be blood pouring out from all openings on the victim's face. All I could see was buldging eyes and agonising screams, and I could not understand what was going on.

"That's a purely psychological technique," Sasori drawled next to me, and his sudden appearance next to me made me immediately turn to him. "He delves into her mind and twists all her worst memories, nightmares and fears together into one big terrifying semi-reality. It's very similar to Itachi's Tsukiyomi, but the only difference is that Itachi replays your one single fear or nightmare over and over and over, until you either break or die. This is why he's so feared, because he's the only Uchiha that can delve into your very subconscious and control it."

"But Tsukiyomi-"

"-delves into your conscious. Shisui goes right into parts of your mind that you yourself aren't even sure exists. He reads you like a book, he can choose to skim some parts, skip others, or just go through everything, _literally_ like a book."

The screaming suddenly stopped and it was kinda obvious that our spy was dead.

He turned to face us, and deactivated his sharingan, crimson slowly fading into midnight blue, the tomoe forging together to form his pupil. For the first time in a very long time, I was quite genuinely terrified of someone.

Now I could understand how he was able to escape alive from his clan's massacre. He was so _powerful._

"Inform Pein and Tsunade-sama that Madara and Danzou sent out a group of shinobi after the Nara clan. They have evidence that they are helping us, and they need to be annihilated as swiftly as possible," he said in that quiet, dealy voice of his.

Without wasting time, we relayed this information to our leaders, and Itachi, Naruto, Sasuke and Kisame had been sent to find and eliminate them. The mission took a fornight, and it was them that interrupted my…training by telling Shihsou to come stop me.

"Okay you brats," Shihsou spoke as she sat on the table in th living room and poured herself a cup of sake. She grabbed Pein's collar to prevent him from jumping on me after I childishly stuck out my tongue at him. "Start talking about this your mission."


	12. Chapter 12

**I had forgotten that very many people online have just as much mental capacity as a brain-dead cockroach. I expressly stated that the subtle differences in my spelling aren't typos, and proceeded to explain that I use UK English as opposed to US English. Some utter imbecile, however, decided there's no thing as UK English, and I have issues with grammar. Such people I wonder how the hell to even start insulting. If you feel the fact that my grammar, which is from **_**England, the origin of the English language **_**is wrong, I strongly suggest you stop reading my story. I'm not undermining US English, I'm just saying that my spelling is different from majority of my readers, which is fair enough, and if you cannot deal with this, then off is the direction in which I rudely demand that you fuck. As my boyfriend rightly owned someone, I have very many fucks, I just choose not to give them. (Actually, I should add that line in the story, no?)**

**As for the rest of my readers, I apologise for this semi-rant, but I just had to stress this for some idiots out there. You don't like it, don't read it. I'd much rather have a small, but intelligent group than a large, idiotic group that reads my stories.**

**Onwards, then. **

**Funny Fates 12.**

We were in quite the predicament, and that was putting it very lightly. A bit too lightly, actually.

We were, as Hidan would say, totally, completely, undoubtedly _fucked._ We needed to act as quickly and as swiftly as possible, or we would be faced with immediate evacuation, and immediate evacuation would leave us dangerously vulnerable. Ame would very likely be destroyed, and Madara would split us up, find us one by one and annihilate us. We were already renegades as it was; renegades without a stable headquarters of sorts would not be favourable.

Itachi, Naruto, Sasuke and Kisame had just come back from their mission: annihilation of a group of shinobi sent by Madara to prove that the Nara Clan were, indeed, keeping in constant touch with Tsunade-Shishou and her allies using the animals of the Nara Forest. The mission was a success, though it would strongly imply that his suspicions were true. However, without proof, neither Madara nor the Konoha council couldn't do shit to the Nara Clan. Madara knew this very well, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. That very council kind of contributed to the overthrowing of Shihsou, yes, but one of the conditions they gave Madara if he was to take control of the village was to do nothing, absolutely _nothing _without consulting them first, and the reason why the Nara Clan were loved so much by the council was because they produced the greatest military strategic minds of all the five Shinobi Nations, another reason that Konoha almost always came up victorious in all past Great Shinobi Wars.

Another reason that Madara's authority in Konoha isn't as solid as he'd like to believe.

We were revelling in this good news and were discussing our next plan of action, until Jiraiya-sama appeared, broken and bloodied on Gamabunta's back, who was equally as badly injured. Gamabunta, in fact, was so badly injured that even he was not sure if he'd make it Mount Myouboku alive. Shizune-nee healed him just enough for him to make it back though, because typical of any shinobi summon, they would only recover fully if they returned to their place of origin. Shishou took it upon herself to heal Jiraiya-sama, and a part of me was very well aware that the only reason both the summoner and the summon were alive was because of evasion and willpower.

"Jesus Christ, Jiraiya," Shishou yelled as she healed him. "What the fuck were you _doing?!_" You're a bloody mess, literally and figuratively. Kakashi is masochistic enough. We cannot afford to have you at the brink of death all the time as well, dammit."

Pein's eyes were narrowed, though his anger was brought about by worry rather than legitimate rage. I'd hang around a genius long enough somewhat figure out how other genii think as well. Even from a medical perspective, there was more to Jiraiya-sama's injuries than what a casual observer would see. Physical injuries aside, there was just something…off about his general demeanour. Jiraiya-sama would be attempting to crack jokes, even through his concussion. This Jiraiya-sama was uncharacteristically quiet.

Kakashi-sensei's sudden stiffness and the activation of Itachi's sharingan only further proved to consolidate my point.

Itachi looked Jiraiya-sama dead in the eye, activating his mangekyou, and the second Shihsou's hands stopped glowing green, he pulled him into a genjutsu.

"What the hell are you two trying?" Shishou asked the two Uchiha in front of us.

Shisui, also looking Jiraiya-sama dead in the eye, mangekyou also activated, did a very fast combination of seals and muttered "Kai," before both he and Itachi simultaneously deactivated their kekkei genkai.

"Madara was attempting to get information from him," Shisui said as he deactivated his sharingan. "That was a genjutsu that only Uchiha clan members with a mangekyou sharingan can pull off, one that my mother specialised in, and one that Madara is particularly proficient in as well. An exceptionally high calibre technique."

"Kotoamatsukami," Sasuke breathed, shock very visible on his features.

"Are you not the only one alive that can perform that technique?" Pein inquired, looking curiously at Shisui.

"I'm supposed to be, but my mother is a direct descendant of Madara, and he is, no doubt, one of the most powerful Uchiha in the clan's history. He is, if my memory serves me correctly, the second Uchiha who could activate it, the first one being the Uchiha Clan ancestor, the eldest son of the Rikudou Senin. My mother was the third. I'm the fourth. I don't even know which Uchiha generation it's going to manifest itself in next, _if _there's going to be a next Uchiha generation. It's one of the only sharingan abilities that's so sporadic in its development, we never really know which generation it's gonna develop. All we do is just hope and hope it doesn't develop in a retard that can't handle it or has issues."

Like Madara, I quietly finished the implied thought.

It was eerily quiet, as we looked at Jiraiya-sama, panting heavily on the couch, sheer will power keeping him conscious.

"The advantage, however," Itachi mused, his lilting tenor carrying itself all over the room, serving almost to calm us in our newly induced terror, "is that he will not be able to use it for the next decade. As powerful a genjutsu it is, it is very risky to use. I was forced to use my Tsukiyomi and Shisui had to use an anti-genjutsu technique to counter it and distort some of the information that Madara has received. Some of it will be true, and some of it will be false, another problem he will have to deal with. Nonetheless, it will divert his attention from us temporarily as we think of our next course of action."

I curiously looked at Itachi and wondered just how high-level his intellect and shinobi prowess were. Granted he was a genjutsu specialist, but to immediately spot something like that on another shinobi-something a medic sanin, her two high calibre students and other highly ranked shinobi could not immediately spot-and come up with a swift and impressive counter to it at that very moment just made me understand all the more why Madara was constantly having sleepless nights concerning him.

Jiraiya-sama clearly needed time to recuperate. "I'll black him out for about an hour or so, then he should tell us his story." Shihsou said, as she zapped her chakra through his system. We all watched as his breathing got slower and softer, and he fell into a deep sleep.

…

Jiraiya-sama had just woken up, and going by the wrinkles clearly visible at the edges of his eyes, he had not brought us good news.

"I don't bring good news," he begun.

Well, that's new, isn't it?

"There's a civil war going on in Konoha."

The silence in the room after that statement was so intense I'm sure everyone could hear their own heartbeats.

"Excuse me," Shihsou echoed, deceptively calmly. "Could you please just repeat what you just said?"

Jiraiya-sama gulped, clearly terrified of her reaction. He was right in doing so too, for every single Konoha shinobi in the room and the Akatsuki shinobi who greatly valued their self-preservation were standing quite far from her fists.

"Madara and Danzou's forces have broken out into full-blown conflict in Konoha," Jiraiya-sama repeated quietly. His fear was clearly evident, for back in our Konoha days he had told us stories of how Tsunade Shihsou was one of the very few people who had brought him to near death by literally beating the snort and shit out of him.

Silence. Naruto, the only person we could depend on for diffusing such tense moments had his hands balled into fists. I could see the veins on his neck and his knuckles were whiter than paper.

His chakra begun leaking out, marked with clear killing intent. The chakra was getting visible, and it was turning orange. The Kyuubi, Kurama begun manifesting himself.

"Naruto, control yourself," Kakashi-sensei snapped, a verbal slap to the back of his head. "Don't bring Kurama out. Calm down and let's come up with a plan."

Kurama, we came to realise in Konoha, was an exceptionally intelligent creature. He knew Naruto was still not powerful enough a vessel to hold him in completely, even after attaining true senin status, so when he saw Naruto losing control, he tried to suppress his own chakra. We could clearly see this as the orange chakra begun fading, and the deadly intent was weakening. The Akatsuki were in awe. Even Pein was impressed. He was aware that Naruto and Kurama had developed a trusting relationship, but he had never seen anything like that happen at all, it seemed.

Suddenly, Naruto's face changed. His ears became more pointed, his canines grew into fangs and the whiskers on his face became more pronounced. The farmiliar growl we came to get used to was heard instead of Naruto's usual boisterous voice.

"Sorry about that, guys. Naruto is kinda pissed right now. I've told him to listen to his sensei there and chill out till we figure things out."

"No biggie, Kurama. Thanks." Kakashi-sensei replied, his eye crinkling.

The Akatsuki members had their jaws on the floor. Only Pein seemed rather calm, and even then his eyes were quite wide.

As wide as they can get anyway. This is the ever stoic, indifferent Pein we're talking about here.

An adorable little voice, however, brought us back from all the drama, and promptly reminded us of the issue at hand.

"Baa-chan is cwaying," Little Roku yelled as loud as his tiny (adorable) vocal cords could allow him.

Indeed, sitting next to Jiraiya-sama on the couch, in his arms, was Shishou, and she was evidently sobbing.

"I'm a failure," she mumbled into his shoulder, utterly distraught. "A fucking failure. Jii-chan must be rolling in his grave at how bloody useless I am."

My heart shattered at seeing her in such a state, so ignoring everyone and everything around me, I immediately went to her side to try to comfort her.

"No, Shishou," I responded softly. "You're not a failure at all. You've done a spectacular job given-"

"NO!" she suddenly screamed, immediately making me realise just how truly _hurt _she was.

"I'm in fucking exile, I was defeated by a retard who very probably has mental issues, I can't protect my village, and I'm supposed to be hoka-" she never even finished the sentence, because then she burst into tears.

There was nothing any of us could do, but stand there and watch Jiraiya-sama hold Shishou in his arms as she bawled her eyes sore.

"What's going on, sensei?" Pein asked slowly, after Shizune, Kakashi-sensei, Naruto and myself managed to somewhat calm Shihsou down.

"It's utter chaos. Madara and Danzou's chaos are literally destroying the village. If Konoha is invaded at this time…"

He gulped, before pulling himself together and continuing. This was bad. A _whole_ _sannin_ was terrified of what the future held for Konoha.

"The clans are trying to protect the civilians form shinobi politics, but it isn't going as well as it should. Medicine has deteriorated because Madara is not putting any finances in the medical facilities, so the medics are obviously struggling. They have to heal the civilians caught up in the conflict, our shinobi trying to protect them and the shinobi whose fault all this is. I tried to help, but Gamabunta is kind of conspicuous, so Madara came to confront me himself, and…shit happened," he finished, to a chocked giggle from Shihsou, a head-shake from Kakashi-sensei and an exasperated sigh from Pein.

"Jiraiya-sama," Shisui begun, his tone flat, "you summoned Bunta. In Konoha. During a battle where it would be _plainly obvious_ that you're there."

"I was tryna help!"

"Really?"

"It kinda worked. I diverted Madara's attention."

"Because he summoned Kami-knows which tailed beast-

"Actually, it was the seven tails and five tails-"

"-which proceeded to pwn both you and Bunta right into hell and back?"

Silence, as we all struggled not to laugh at the scene Shisui had painted.

"I still say it worked."

Pein actually smacked him upside the head, and Shihsou, through her tears, actually burst into laughter.

"I only lost coz I was fighting two tailed beasts _and _very many shinobi simulataneously."

"Sensei, you're such an imbecile," Pein remarked, the left side of his lips twitching in his amusement.

"What now, though?" Gai-sensei asked suddenly, bringing us back to the problem at hand.

"Isn't it obvious?" Konan noted. "We go to war."

Showtime.


	13. Chapter 13

**Okay, clarification time. The main point of this story is the conflict; the struggle of Sakura and her peeps as exiled missing-nin fighting for their home. The relationship between her and Itachi is just a chance happening. So please, stop telling me there's too little ItaSaku action going on. I'm building that up, and I implore you to understand this and bear with me. Also, my chapters aren't short. I always aim for a minimum of 2000 words, and every single chapter has reached that minimum requirement, okay? Good.**

**Funny Fates 13.**

The Fates were being funny. Again. This had been happening a lot since I joined Akatsuki. Either that, or I was slowly losing my sanity, or what was left of it, which wasn't much, considering the people I lived with.

For the past month, I tried to be angry at this lot of retarded yet competent shinobi I was forced to work with. I really did, but I just couldn't bring myself to. In between hormones, teammates, battle strategies and the general madness that comprised a mixture of Konoha elite shinobi (including the Uchiha Clan. They are, quite unfortunately, a product of Konoha, and as much as I would have preferred it, we kind of can't disown them) and Akatsuki, their brilliance tended to shine brightest when they were at their most retarded.

The current predicament I found myself in, which was a shouting match (apparently we were 'airing our opinions', but it was just a shouting match. No point trying to use pretty vocabulary) between Pein, Sasuke, Gai-sensei and myself only further seemed to give credence to this assessment.

"No," I stated flatly, crossing my hands over my chest and glaring at Sasuke.

"Why not?" Sasuke asked, for the millionth time, rubbing the bridge of his nose in frustration.

"Because," I began, also for the millionth time, "Shizune-nee can work with him. I'll sort out the paperwork that comes after."

"Didn't you hate paperwork?"

I _glared _at Naruto, who just scratched the back of his head nervously before letting out a small laugh and diving to hide right behind Jiraiya-sama. I made a mental note to pound him right into the ground later. Little bastard was blabbering away about my secrets again. Devil spawn.

"There are some times when I prefer paper work."

"And this is one of those remarkably rare times?"

"Yes. Is that a problem?" I ground out through clenched teeth, my temper beginning to flare.

"Sakura-chan, aren't you being a bit unreasonable? A combination of your and Itachi's youth would produce absolutely fabulous results, something that even Madara's seven tailed beasts with all their vibrant energy cannot reach. Your blossoming medical knowledge and Itachi's brilliant mentality added onto Kakashi's youthful information will make Madara quake in his boots, and our vibrant power will override his-"

"It has been decided by Godaime, Sensei, Kakashi and myself," Pein interrupted Gai-sensei, which was a welcome relief for all of us. If he had continued with his speeches of youth and vibrant energy and Kami-sama-knows what else Lee would have joined in. It's no secret that when you combine Gai-sensei and Lee's vocal cords anyone's ears would be ringing for days on end.

It was kind of torture technique we used in Konoha when Morino Ibiki and Ino's father, Yamanaka Inoichi were feeling lazy. We just locked the captive in a room alone with the both of them and about an hour later after they had been subjected to shouts of youth, energy and other such annoying, flowery poetry said captive would rattle off what we wanted to hear faster than Naruto spewed excuses.

Good times.

"You have everyone's medical files, so you should be able to work out with Itachi in figuring out who should be stationed where and which of us will be grouped together. The Godaime is making poison antidotes and other medical necessities essential for combat. Shizune will take care of grounded medical preparations unable to be performed in the field. _You _were ANBU Field medic, therefore _you _are most suited to this role we are assigning you," he said, in a tone so final that I had no idea how to begin arguing with him.

As usual with Pein, all his arguments were just so logical, it was always hard to try and counter-argue with him, even for someone as stubborn as myself. That aside, I was almost convinced that the Fates had tag-teamed with him to make sure I end up with Itachi in the most…unfavourable situations.

I mean, I was suffering enough, and the past couple of months I had realised I had much more self-control than I ever gave myself credit for. I had also realised attempting to control hormones, especially at such a late point of my teenagehood when all of it had just hit me like an earthquake was getting increasingly difficult as the days went by.

The Fates, however, and apparently Pein, were utterly merciless. Even after I'd witnessed him sitting by his coffee table on most evenings, with no shirt on, his hair unbound and flowing in silky waves of ebony black over broad shoulders to stop right under his shoulder blades, watching his biceps expand and contract as he sharpened his katana or his kunai or his other shinobi weapons, or having to be subjected to the torture of seeing his sexy, sinfully male body wet from the shower, with nothing but a towel hanging quite low on his hips, water droplets slowly flowing from his abs down to his Apollo's belt, then seeing that thin trail of hair from his navel down into aforementioned towel; I'd end up gripping the many medical scrolls I was pretending to read so hard to stop myself from shamelessly ogling and drooling at him that they almost tore…even after all this they still decided I needed to be locked up _alone _with just _Itachi _in a room so that we could 'finalise our plans for war'.

I was still wondering what I had ever done wrong in a past lifetime to deserve this punishment.

I sighed. "Can we continue with this tomorrow? I'm tired."

"Tomorrow you begin working with Itachi. You have a fortnight before the Godaime, Sensei, Sasori and myself see your combined efforts with Kakashi and Shizune," Pein reiterated, walking off.

It was gonna be a long fortnight indeed.

…

I knew it was going to be a long fortnight, but I did not think it was going to be irritating as well.

Jiraiya-sama, one of the brilliant spies in Konoha's history had taken it upon himself to further investigate what was going on in Konoha and had brought us the devastating news that civil war had broken out. We, being the exiled shinobi allied to Tsunade Shihsou and the Akatsuki decided it was time to engage Madara, Danzou and their allies in combat to try and win our home back. We began preparing for war, and sent messages to our allies still in the village using our summons. Sasori and Deidara were sent to Kiri and Kakuzu and Hidan were sent to Suna to inform the Mizukage and the Kazekage respectively of this and we were still waiting for feedback. Our strategies, of course were planned in a worst case scenario situation, and we had also estimated where Kiri and Suna would send their support. Things were going well, until one fine day, at dawn and without any warning whatsoever, we were attacked by ROOT.

In retrospect, I should say we were all instinctively kind of expecting this (or maybe it was just the paranoia. You tend to cultivate quite a bit of it as a missing nin) but seriously, _dawn?! _Danzou really has no respect for other people's sleep, it seemed.

Now, all Konoha shinobi, particularly the elite were not morning people, and the trend was the more powerful they were, the less inclined they would be to appreciate such irritating things like being invaded at bloody dawn. Their low tolerance of early mornings was further decreased when we were operating on about four hours of sleep because we were busy preparing for a war we weren't fighting by choice.

Akatsuki, on the other hand were just lazy asses. Waking up early in the morning was just a chore. They'd much rather wake up at more conducive hours of the morning, and Akatsuki's (and by Akatsuki's I mean Pein's) definition of more conducive hours of the morning was anywhere between ten thirty to eleven.

Needless to say, when we were very rudely awakened by screams, explosions and general destruction courtesy of idiot ROOT operatives, well…some stress relief was in order.

To say Danzo's minions were annihilated would be putting it politely, because we were _not_ in a good mood. Shihsou and Pein particularly, because the brutal ways in which some people had been destroyed was borderline inhumane, and Shihsou, in particular had punched right _through_ some people, and when she pulled her fist out of their bodies she pulled out bones and flesh as well. No wonder Pein, amongst others, found it hard to believe she was haemophobic.

After ridding the village of such nuisances (Pein's words) we were greeted by a very irate, half-asleep Shisui dragging a shinobi what had utterly lost it because of the strong genjutsu put on him.

"Itachi-chan told me to look for the leader and keep him alive for interrogation later or some shit," he grumbled, very annoyed indeed. "I suppose this is him, going by his dress-code, and Naruto and Sasuke annihilated everyone else in his goddamn group that only my speed prevented him from being decapitated."

He continued walking past us, still grumbling as he dragged the (poor) genjutsu'd dude on the ground like a sack of potatoes. "I'm operating on an hour's sleep, so I'm not bloody interrogating him. Tell Sasuke-chan or Kisame or, I donno, Kakuzu to do it. Just tell _someone. _I'm too sleepy for this rubbish. Wake me up when we're going to fight. I'll leave him the kitchen or something. I'm off to bed. Goodnight."

To be honest, I couldn't blame him for his grumpiness. I wasn't in the best of moods myself.

"You're gonna tell Itachi, right? Right. I agree with Shisui. I'm off to bed as well. I'm not used to waking up at such ungodly hours. I'll see you guys later." Shishou said, before teleporting her lazy-ass self out of there. My mood darkened.

Fuck my life, and fuck those goddamed funny fates too.

…

Karma is a bitch. She desperately needs to be shagged. Right in the butthole. With a metal rod. Till she was sore.

Also, I. Was. Doomed. Totally, completely, utterly, hopelessly _doomed._

Some few hours or so ago, at dawn, specifically, I cursed at the fates. They had been turning my miserable, sad life into a comedy for their own amusement, and I was not happy. I should have known, however, that that was a grievous mistake, one that would come kick me in the ass so hard I'd never contemplate cursing the fates again.

The sight in front of me was _terrifying, _but I'm retarded by association, and to be very honest, I had never been so turned on in my life. _Never._

After snatching another three hours of sleep, (having monstrous strength does have its advantages) I went into Ame to see if there was anyone that needed my assistance after the whole ROOT invasion. Residents of Ame were so accustomed to war they had turned the skill of survival into an art. As expected, they needed almost no help, so I took myself back to base and begun working out which guys would fight most efficiently with each other when we went to pwn idiots in Konoha. After a very long but very satisfying day, I decided a nice, hot shower was necessary.

I had just come out of the shower, _Itachi's _shower, and the pleasant surprise I was treated to when I walked out simultaneously terrified and aroused me.

All the furniture had been moved to one end of the room, and in the middle of the room tied to a hard wooden chair with chakra strings was the Root shinobi Shisui had captured earlier, and he was filled with hopeless despair.

Fear is a normal, natural reaction. Even the toughest of humans have experienced fear. However, there is fear in its purest form. The fear that makes you pee on yourself, the one that totally clouds your mind and rids you of the capacity to think. The fear that grips you right to the very core of your humanity. That was the fear this guy was feeling.

His breathing was ragged, his heart beat so loud I could almost hear it. His pressure was also unnaturally high. Pure, unadulterated _fear._

Itachi, however is what turned my mind to complete mush, and all I could do was stand there and stare, and swallow dryly, clutching my towel like a lifeline.

He had absolutely nothing on but black khaki pants, hanging _very _low on his hips, so low, in fact, that I could visibly see that Apollo's belt that tortured me in my dreams most nights. They were loose, the belt and zip and top button open, and barely peeping from the top of his pants was a pair of black cotton boxers. His hair was unbound, and though he still had his hitai-ate on, it flowed down his broad shoulders and stopped quarter way down his well-muscled chest. He had crossed one arm across his chest while the elbow of his other hand was leaning against it, a _very _sharp kunai swinging from his long index finger.

His handsome face was wiped blank of any emotion, his rich crimson eyes literally boring right through me, the tomoe spinning lazily.

He looked deceptively calm, but after rekindling my friendship with Sasuke I knew enough about Uchiha to realise that Itachi was _outraged. _It was in his chakra patterns. It was extremely subtle, but I could sense the deadly killing intent leaking out. Itachi had excellent chakra control, well above average, but Shisui once told me that he could never hold all of his killing intent in, a trait most, if not all, Uchiha possessed.

"I'm afraid you have interrupted my interrogation, Sakura," he murmured quietly, his voice deadly, radiating the pure rage he felt, "and I do have to punish you for it."

If I could not think before, then my brain had evaporated somewhere in my skull after hearing that sexy, lilting tenor, an octave lower, rougher, the not-so-innocent implication rather clear.

He started from the top of my head (why was I so goddam _short?!) _and slowly, deliberately, moved his eyes down my body to my feet, pausing a few seconds at…my more…_feminine_…regions, and right back to my eyes. In my teenage self-consciousness, I had no idea how to react when such a sexy, _sexy_ man so blatantly checked me out, so all I could do was bite my lip and grip my towel so hard it ripped.

Fucking inhuman strength.

When our gazes met again, his full sensual lips slowly curved into that dangerously masculine, predatory, lascivious smirk.

I gulped.

***smirks smugly* This has to be the awesomest cliffy yet. Convince me if I should update asap, coz dude, schoolwork and laziness is a horrible combination.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Funny Fates 14.**

**Hello there children,**

**Contrary to popular belief, I am, in fact, still alive and kicking. There's just this thing called university that has taken up much more of my time than acceptable. I'm done now, and hopefully my laziness won't interrupt ****. It's holidays, though, so don't get too hopeful. I haven't been home in like 10 months, so I am looking forward to it. I can't guarantee regular updates though, but they will come. I do appreciate your patience with me.**

As usual, my brilliant mind chose the most opportune times, like now, to stop working.

I tried to think of a way, _any_ way to get myself out of this situation I was in, but watching Itachi almost causally push himself off his working table that he was leaning against and approach me with that quiet, predatory gait, looking positively ravenous further diminished any and all capacity to generate logical thought patterns.

_Look_ _at him, _my inner cackled, more than excited at the prospect of Itachi doing dirty, nasty things to me. _Oh my God this is going to be completely amazing. _Saying I disagreed with her would be a total lie, but quite frankly, I honestly didn't think that this would be the most appropriate time to engage in such behaviour.

Or place for that matter. Shishou and Pein were _in the next room, _and there's no doubt that they'd hear us and wonder what was going on and rush in to come and check up on us and they'd see us in a rather…compromising position and…oh dear Kami-sama…

As would be expected of him, he flung the kunai between his fingers to a target stuck on the wall next to the light switch, and before I could decide which direction I'd be taking off to, he viciously ripped the hitai-ate off his head, carelessly flinging it onto his working table and seconds later, I found myself conveniently trapped between the wall and his body.

Jesus Christ his _body…_

Totally refusing to look him in the eye, which I was sure by this time had turned crimson, I closed my eyes and swallowed, trying (and failing) to regulate my breathing. The best way to deal with arousal was not to give in to it.

I felt his thumb and forefinger on my chin and he raised my head to look at him, and even then kept my gaze trained down, absolutely refusing to get into eye contact with him, and it was proving to be much harder than I'd otherwise anticipated.

"Look at me," he quietly demanded, his voice low. Before raising my eyes, I quickly decided the pros of obeying him would be much better than the cons, so gathering the little courage I had left, I slowly lifted my eyes to his and at meeting his gaze I then immediately decided it was better to just risk disobeying him and not doing as he demanded of me.

His eyes were not even the rich crimson I had expected to see, seeing as it was the usual colour of the sharingan, but it had darkened into a deep maroon due to his lust and the tomoe were slightly spinning in a clockwise direction. This was the first time I had ever seen him like this (I strongly doubted if there were many women that had seen Uchiha Itachi aroused) and despite my earlier apprehension of having to look him in the eye, I could not take my gaze off his face.

He blinked once, dropping his gaze to my lips. My mouth was slightly opened, my breathing ragged and coming out in short gasps, my own arousal evident. I mean, really, how many women would kill or commit other such indictable crimes to have themselves in Itachi's arms, between a brick hard wall and his equally hard body. I watched him bite his lower lip, and perhaps it was just me, but I _swear _I heard him moan in pleasure.

Remembering I was still naked with nothing but a towel on, _and _the fact that one of Danzou's Konoha ROOT operatives who was terrified beyond normal was looking at us, I swallowed, forcing saliva down my throat and hoping that it was enough to get my vocal cords in somewhat functioning order again.

"What exactly are you intending to do, Itachi?" I whispered then inwardly winced at the breathy whisper my voice sounded. I wanted to sound like the headstrong, brave Kunoichi that I normally was, not the horny, overwhelmed teenager I was at the moment.

"I intend to take you to my bed and make intense, passionate love to you throughout the whole night," he replied, his whisper rough in my ear. "Unfortunately, due to our…fellow residents and our current guest, that is unable to take place, so I will have to call upon my self-control and patience that I have trusted all my years as a shinobi and wait for a more opportune moment."

"How long are you willing to wait for?" I asked him, trying to keep my brain thinking and active. This would take my thoughts off things such as how marvellous his rock hard abs felt against me, or how much I enjoyed the feel of his body pressed up against mine and oh dear God in the heavens above _his abs…_

"Patience, my cherry blossom," he whispered heatedly in my ear then moved his lips down to my neck. I let out a small squeak when I felt his lips brush my skin. "The opportune time is almost here, and once it arrives. I will be sure to take advantage of it and proceed to make you _mine_".

Before I could even respond, I felt him place a hot, open mouthed kiss on my neck, and all I could do was gasp and just submit to him. My legs turned into jelly and I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck to keep myself steady. In response, he pulled me closer to his body, and he begun sucking on my jugular, and I swear I bit my tongue so hard it must have slightly bled.

And oh my _God _was that his cock on my lower stomach?!

Despite my foggy thought process brought on by my arousal. I tried to disengage because he was _definitely _going to leave a mark and all of us were to meet in the sitting room and talk about the information the captive (who was witnessing Itachi make out with me but was too terrified to do anything) was going to give us so we could make the next move in our fight to get our village back.

"We…I need…to dress…meeting…Shihsou and Pein…ten minutes…" I managed to get out before Itachi stopped kissing my neck and proceeded to devour my mouth and Good Kami-sama was he a _fantastic _kisser.

I had never been kissed so aggressively before, and it was just so _fucking hot_ the way he pushed his tongue into my mouth and then got into a battle of the tongues with me, which, of course, he won.

After what seemed a rather long time, he broke off the kiss, and he had that sexy, masculine, satisfied smirk on his face. He was probably proud at that large hickey I could feel pounding on my neck and how my lips had probably swollen to twice their size because if his kiss.

"Dress up," he told me, his lilting tenor back to its normal tone. "We have a meeting to attend." All I could do was stare at him in disbelief. Was this the same guy that was just aroused like hell a few seconds ago? How did he go back to normal?

"Sakura?" I heard Shishou yell. "Get your lazy ass out here right this instance, and tell that Uchiha brat to drag that ROOT vermin with him as well while you're at it."

It was going to be a rather long evening.

…

This was going on record as the most _irritating _and _embarrassing _moment in all my nineteen years of rather sad existence. It was too bloody dark to go out and smash the bloody hell out of some grounds too. Dammit, Hidan would have to do then.

Even _Pein _was _smirking. _He was smirking_, _goddamit. I swear he planned all this. Kakashi-sensei and Shishou, the people I thought would do something about this terrible state of affairs were doing nothing at all. _Nothing, _for Kami's sake. In fact, they seemed to be instigating things even further.

I had completely forgotten how utterly _immature _Konoha shinobi were. Even _Shizune_, of all people, was giggling and kept on sending mischievous winks and wiggling her eyebrows at me.

Fuck my life. It was very tempting to actually facewall, but then I realised as a subconscious defence mechanism I'd line my (still quite large) forehead with chakra and would end up destroying the stupid wall instead.

This inhuman strength just had to be both a blessing and a curse, didn't it?

"In all their general insanity, I'd forgotten how entertaining the Uchiha clan were. They quite never seemed to be able to keep their hormones in check, and I thought it was a problem with Fugaku's lot. Now I see it is, in fact, a genetic trait," Shihsou stated, brown eyes dancing, her amusement evident in her voice and grinning a toothy grin wider than Naruto's.

"Of course not, Tsunade-sama. Can't you see Shisui? They've always had perverted tendencies, just Shisui and his father tended to bring it out to light more often than the rest of the clan ever did," Kakashi-sensei responded, much to my increasing infuriation.

Hidan was really in for it after this meeting. Then maybe I'd go bully Naruto and/or Sasuke a bit too, though they'd prove to be much more of a challenge.

Speaking of Naruto and Sasuke, the fact that they were both huddled on a couch cuddling each other and rocking back and forth in sheer trauma marginally brightened my mood.

"Your aniki might like Sakura-chan, temee, he likes her," Naruto squeaked, his blue eyes stuck on the red, conspicuous hickey I got a few hours earlier from a very horny Uchiha Clan heir.

"Not likes, dobe, he is, in fact sexually attracted to her. His hormones have been brought out by her," Sasuke mumbled, equally traumatised and his left eyebrow twitching in a mixture of fear and rage.

"That means he's gonna make her his wife-"

"Then she'll be my matriarch-"

"Then he'll sleep with her-"

"Oh Kami she'll be my matriarch-"

"Then she'll get pregnant-"

"She's going to be my fucking clan matriarch, _and _my sister-in-law-"

"With his kids-"

"Who will have both their perfect chakra control, his sharingan and her monstrous strength-"

"And they'll be monsters-"

"And the whole shinobi world will be doomed-"

"And everything we'll have worked so hard for will be destroyed-"

Letting my head fall to the table in front of us for an epic headdesk, I allowed myself a small smile. I quite didn't know whether to be even more angry or just be amused at the idiots that my boys, one an exceptionally powerful Uchiha Clan member, with a fully formed sharingan and one of the most powerful ninjutsu specialisers alive, and the other also an exceptionally powerful toad senin who has fully subjugated the kyuubi and a member of the notoriously infamous Uzumaki Clan, so I chose to be amused.

"Entertaining as this scenario is, I believe It's much more important to focus on the topic at hand," Pein interrupted the idiocy going on, and people got slightly more serious again.

"He doesn't seem to know much, but what I've gathered from him is that Danzou is planning a bigger invasion. He does not know whether it's against Madara or us, but going by his past patterns, behaviours and habits, we are well aware how high he holds Konoha, so we should eliminate the prospect of him planning an invasion on Konoha just to get rid of Madara," Itachi stated, leaning casually on the wall next to the coffee machine with Shisui.

"We still need to consider his greed, however," Konan stated in that quiet, thoughtful voice of hers. "Many at times we have seen when his greed has overwhelmed him is when he is working under pressure, and he's obviously under quite a bit of pressure at the moment."

"He's playing a blame game with Madara right now, one that he seems to be losing," Kakashi-sensei continued, "and don't forget what the Raikage said. We need to help Kiri and Suna keep an eye out for moles. Madara is not above putting a genjutsu on someone and use them as spies."

At that moment, a huge explosion could be heard to the forests north of the base, then I felt a familiar chakra pattern spike.

Temari.

Without thinking, Naruto, Sasuke and myself were out of there. Something was going on, and Temari and her fellow shinobi needed our help.

**I apologise in advance I might be a bit rusty. After reading about exceptions to the Hearsay rule, duties of a trustee and significance of intent in intoxication for rape, one would tend to get brain dead. (I do law, by the way, hence the funny sounding terms).**


	15. Chapter 15

**Funny Fates 15.**

This was not amusing, at all. It seemed Madara and/or Danzou (probably or, but that was something that we'd deal with later) were not joking with wanting to get rid of us).

It seemed like Gaara had sent reinforcements with Temari in the lead, but they had met some unwanted company, also called ROOT forces. We had killed so many of them in the time since I joined Akatsuki, and I'm sure they'd killed so many before I met them, but they seemed never ending. Said ROOT forces always seemed to be so well trained as well, that I always wondered where they got the manpower and finances from.

What we found, however, when we got to the source of the skirmish was quite something else altogether. Temari, in fact, seemed miffed. Not annoyed or irritated, just _miffed._ To be honest, we had quite no idea of what to make of the situation.

She sighed heavily, as if she had just finished doing an annoying but necessary chore.

"So," I asked, looking around the bloody scene, seeing body parts littered everywhere. She had really gone all out on these guys. "What exactly is going on around here?"

Naruto and Sasuke also seemed to be half shocked, half amused at the scene around us.

She sighed again and closed her eyes, before folding her fan and leaning on it. She opened an eye and eyed us for a while before she began speaking, her rough alto clearly irritated.

"We were coming over to talk to you guys when those idiots," she pointed toward Konoha, referring to Danzou and I guess Madara, "decided to send their underlings for us. Now we have to chill with you guys for a bit after we clean up here because they'll definitely know we killed them after they don't turn up in a while." She growled.

"I donno what that wrinkling jii-jii takes us for. Anyway, wanna help us dispose of these guys?" She asked looking around at the pieces of anatomy lying around that once constituted human beings she'd sliced with her fan. "Or rather, what's left of them?"

We moved the pieces of body to one end and Sasuke incinerated them with a well-placed katon jutsu. We then proceeded to the Akatsuki base, where we found Kakuzu and Diedara waiting for us.

"We was about to come for you guys, yeah. Thought something had happened to ya," Deidara said, with an all too vindictive smirk on his face.

"Where the hell are they, goddammit?! Who do they think they are just taking off just because they think an ally is in trouble?! This is the kind of recklessness that will get them kiiled. Stupid brats," Shishou roared. Then there was a loud sound of destruction, as if a hard object had been crushed.

Oh boy. There went another wall.

A heavy sigh. "Really, Godaime, just how much destruction would you want to do before you feel satisfied in destroying my base?"

"Oh shut up, gaki. It's just a wall. If you're going to whine about tell blondie here to make another one up for you."

Temari smirked. "She never changes, does she?"

"Nope." Naruto, Sasuke and I said in unison.

We walked over to the sitting room, where all our meetings took place, and everyone's attention turned to us.

"I've got some not very good news for you guys," she begun, not even bothering with pleasantries. Not that she could anyway. Akatsuki really weren't the pleasantries types. "There are apparently some moles over in Kiri. None of them are close to the associates of the Mizukage, but they are still a threat nonetheless. She knows who they are, but she suspects they are being controlled by a genjutsu."

A silence that was somewhere between awkward and shocked engulfed the room.

Totally ignoring the deadly silence going on, she turned and proceeded to incline her head toward Itachi and Shisui. "One of you should go over there and check them out. As powerful as you both are in terms of individual skill, I still don't recommend you go alone. The decomposing one and his lackey have their people _everywhere _and he's only short of convincing the Daimyou that you guys are a threat that should be eliminated immediately. You have no idea how many of them we had to dodge on our way here."

Then she paused, and scrunched her eyebrow a little. _Still _ignoring the intense, shocked silence she turned her attention to Shishou. (I have no idea how she did it, ignoring such tension. I suppose it was having to hang out with the Kazekage from back in his psychopathic days. He was really freaky then.)

"There's actually legit rumours about that, Godaime. Apparently Madara is intending to go and inform your Daimyou that you guys are a threat to national security. That's not gonna be good for you guys, so I suggest you should do something about it."

The room was still tense. I looked around, observing everyone else. Absolutely no one was amused, least of all Pein and Shishou.

"Such a nuisance," Pein muttered, before looking at Temari. "Are they sure it's just a genjutsu? Zetsu may be involved; have they considered that possibility?"

"The guys over at Kiri say that Mizukage has considered Zetsu's involvement, but she strongly suspects Madara is in this on his own. The guys they suspect have been interviewed on intimate stuff of their level that someone like Zetsu might not know, and they seemed to have passed that particular test. She said she's keeping her mind open though. You never know with those guys."

Silence.

"Okay then, Itachi and Sakura, you're on it. Pack up and leave, ASAP. You should be out of here in 12 hours at the very latest." Shihsou said.

I tried to hold my temper in, but this was just ridiculous. Gritting my teeth, I eyed Shishou. I suppose it had been a while since my inner showed herself.

"Oh for Kami's sake, Shishou," I began, my infuriation clearly showing, much to Kakashi-sesnsei, Shisui, Sasori, Kakuzu and Kisame's amusement. "Do we really have to do this? We are living in the same room because _someone_," I glared at Pein, who smirked, "has refused to fix the infirmary wall so I can get back into my room. It won't even take long. Wasn't Deidara supposed to be talented at this douton jutsu business?! Jesus Christ. Do I have to be stuck on semi long-term missions with him?" I growled, jerking my thumb towards Itachi before crossing my hands under my chest.

From the corner of my eye, I saw the beginnings of Itachi's mouth curve slightly into that sexy smirk of his. I did not like where this was going.

Shihsou raised her eyebrow. Her stubbornness that I inherited was beginning to manifest itself.

Fuck my life.

"And who else would you suggest, then?"

"Kakashi-sensei and Shizune-nee?"

"Recon."

"You and Jiraiya-sama?"

"No way. We're dealing with things here. Also, there's no other medics other than the three of us, and having guys like Sasori and Deidara go would be a disaster."

"We could always have, like, I donno, Shisui and Kurenai-sensei. Even Sasuke and Gai-sensei wouldn't be too bad. And can't Kakuzi kind of heal? I know it's not very efficient, and the results are just horrible, but it's something that can be tolerated till they get back here. How about-"I stopped when I saw the incredulous looks that were coming my way. I really was desperate.

Goddammit.

My head snapped in the direction of Naruto and Sasuke. "Training ground, _now."_ I demanded. As I marched out of there, I dragged Hidan as well. After all, what was smashy-smashy time without Hidan?

Really, fuck my life.

…

My temper had been significantly reduced after an, admittedly, brilliant training session, but I was still not amused at the situation Shishou had put us in. I think she was silently conspiring with Pein and the Fates as well. Whether or not it was intentional was another story altogether, which I'd have to figure out later.

What was on my mind, however, was what had happened yesterday, during the interrogation and the events thereafter.

Itachi, in his state of undress (of which I was not complaining at all) grabbed me in his arms and said he wanted to make me his. Making me his would entail me becoming bound to him, and being bound to the heir of one of the most powerful, yet dying, combat clans in the shinobi world means an effort to revive it. Reviving it means children, and going by Itachi's hormones, I strongly doubt that he'd settle for one or two kids. I think hanging out with Shisui had brought out an apparent perverse gene that was dormant in him.

It seems Ino was right. All extremely sexy men had some issue or other. In Itachi's case, it was perversion and mind-fucking.

The words, however, were not what I was worried about. It was the actions that had my heartbeat race faster than Shisui during his shunsin no jutsu.

His kisses, his touch, and more so his hard erection on my stomach…that was pure lust. It was kind of hard to believe that just a few seconds prior he was in a dangerous rage. He did not plan that interrogation on purpose so that I would find him in the middle of it and take advantage of the situation; that was a situation where his rage had turned into lust. It was a very normal phenomenon, one I had seen more than one in my medic career. The possessive way he pulled me into his arms, thoroughly pushing that gorgeous body of his, hot, hard and muscular, up against mine, giving me no choice but to submit to his masculinity; if this is was just his way of telling me what was to come…I gulped, clenching my fists and squeezing my legs together.

"You seem to be very deep in thought, Saukra," Itachi said, as indifferent as he ever was. I jumped, not expecting anyone, least of all him, to interrupt me at this time, "is there something bothering you?"

"Nope," I replied, adjusting my gloves to give myself something to do. "Just thinking of how I can get one over on Shishou and Pein when I get back. Nothing particularly serious."

I was amazed at how steady my voice was. This man had enough sex appeal to get me wet by simply engaging me in a conversation.

He smirked. I bit my tongue. "I see. I take it you're ready to leave? I intend to be well outside the country before we retire for the night. If we travel at ANBU speed, we should be in The Land of Water in about two or so days," he said, slightly raising an eyebrow at the look I was giving him.

I pushed my arousal aside to make more room for shock. Was this guy serious?! The Land of Water _in two days?! _That was just ridiculous.

"Perhaps I should remind you, taichou, that I do not have the speed of Shisui and neither do I have Naruto's stamina nor Sasuke's reserves. As much as I arguably have the best chakra control in the shinobi world for a shinobi of my level, I much prefer using it for punching skulls in and destroying scenery than running around like a maniac at ridiculous speeds. It will take us three to four days to get to the land of Water, if I am to be healthy enough to be of any assistance. If that seems to slow for you, I suggest you take it up with Shihsou," I replied once the shock had worn off. The tone of finality in my voice slightly surprised me as well.

He said nothing, before facing forward.

_The fuck?! Is he ignoring us?_

"Ah. Fear not, my Cherry Blossom, we _will _get to the Land of Water in two days, and Kiri in about four. I'll see to that," his voice was low, husky, downright _sensual_, not the usual lilting tenor that we were used to hearing.

I gulped. I did not know how to feel about this situation. "Let's go," and before I got my hormones in order, he was out of there.

Oh boy.

**You know, I think I've gotten a bit rusty. I'm sorry. I haven't really had time to write as much as I wanted because I flunked so hard last semester, I just lost motivation for doing everything I love, including writing. Nonetheless, I promised you guys I'd update, so here it is. I'll try to keep it up, despite my worse than terrible exam results. I really hate school.**

**Anyway, I appreciate some constructive criticism. For all the perverts, there's a lemon coming soon, maybe within the next two chapters or so. I really do appreciate your patience. Thanks.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Funny Fates 16.**

This was utter bullshit. In fact, Shishou, Jiraiya-sama and Kakashi-sensei had a lot of explaining to do when we got back to Ame.

We were in what was a tunnel, and it seemed to be going on _forever._ It was rather dark, and only Itachi's Chakra patterns ahead of me assured me that I was not, in fact, lost in this never-ending maze of darkness and I'd stay here forever, starving to death and dying the sad, miserable death I wished on one Uchiha Madara and Shimura Danzou.

"What the fuck is this place?" I asked finally, frustrated at the darkness, how long we'd been running for and everything else about this…this journey.

Itachi however remained silent and continued running. At this point, however, my little patience had reached its limit. We had been running for hours; so, so long that I'd even lost count. We never even seemed to change direction, just a straight line. There seemed to be no other living things around. It was just a cave, and it smelled like rust and dust.

"Itachi, I swear if you don't answer my question, I'm going to make the ground abo-"

Suddenly, Itachi stopped, and he begun concentrating his chakra internally. I thought he was manipulating it for some kind of jutsu, and before I could even ask what he was doing _this _time, a large fire roared, which he concentrated to two points of the room, and I was stunned into shocked silence.

It was an open space, quite large, almost as big as the sitting room at headquarters back at Ame. It had a high chair, almost like a throne towards the wall opposite the entrance we had come from. There were torches at either side of the chair, and they were alight with the fire from Itachi's fire jutsu just a moment ago. These torches seemed to light a series of other torches through the long corridor we had just come through. The huge Uchiha symbol was behind the chair. To the very left of the chamber was a small table with a large, dusty tome. There were two sets of framed pictures, both of which had two Uchiha couples. It was comfortably warm.

This was most definitely _not _what I expected.

Itachi then moved towards to the table. His eyes had softened, not as intense as they normally were. He looked sad, perhaps even regretful. He took one picture and looked at it, running his thumb over the frame. Still holding the first picture in one hand, he took the other , and with the same regretful gentleness looked at it as well. He closed his eyes, and pressed both pictures to his chest.

Was I seeing things, or were his hands trembling slightly? His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard, and he let out a long sigh.

I did not know what to do or say. This was obviously a very emotional moment for him, and going by the stories I'd heard both in Konoha and as my days as a missing nin, the Uchiha clan weren't exactly known for their emotional express. It was actually the opposite that made them feared, respected and admired. I was, quite frankly, at a loss of what to do or how to react, so I just folded my hands in front of me and looked at them and waited.

"This is the Uchiha hideout. I'm sure you've heard of it, from either Jiraiya-sama, Tsunade-sama or Kakashi-san," he suddenly said quietly. "It was the last time I saw my parents and my aunt and uncle before Shisui found their remains, burnt almost beyond recognition."

I was stunned, but he continued.

"Orochimaru, of course, has wanted to take over Konoha for a long time, but Chichi-ue was aware, and took it upon himself to stop him, personally if he really had to. Madara wanted to take over the whole shinobi world, and he had to start from Konoha. He supported Orochimaru, a legendary sannin, brilliant but twisted. Predictably, he had sinister intentions, and intended to use Orochimaru to awaken the tailed beasts and subject the world to his infinite Tsukiyomi."

"What about the need for a sharingan?" I whispered.

"The sharingan, or any other powerful doujutsu kekkei genkai awakens the beasts faster. Since doujutsu are generally battle techniques, they are inherently violent, and this violence triggers a defence mechanism in the tailed beasts, since they will instinctively believe they are under attack, and they would awaken from their slumber faster, bringing forth their full power."

Suddenly, it dawned on me. "That is how he controlled Kurama to go and annihilate Konoha in that battle between himself and Shodai and also the attack that claimed the Yondaime Hokage's life," I said, my eyes widening at the realisation.

"Yes."

He gently placed the pictures back on the desk, and took the large, dusty tome. His long, slender fingers wiped the dust off the top, and his index finger traced the outline of his clan emblem.

"Using Orochimaru, an incredibly powerful shinobi as a pawn would be equally as optimal, if not better, since then the beasts would be awakened in quiet calmness, instead of violence and would thus be easier to subjugate. Chichi-ue and my uncle, his younger brother, found and killed Orochimaru, more for protecting Konoha and the world from Madara than their personal hatred of him. After all, he had always wanted to collect the Sharingan for himself. It was too little too late, though. Madara already found the kyuubi, and for the second time in history, sent it to destroy Konoha, and as Yondaime and Sandaime were dealing with it, he quickly sneaked into Konoha, murdered my whole clan, then proceeded to render Shisui, Sasuke and myself as orphans."

His lilting tenor retained the same tone: low, quiet and sad, full of regret. He never choked or trembled.

"Shisui and myself were forced to leave. We were both ANBU Captains at the time, so Sandaime though worried, knew that we were powerful enough to protect ourselves, but we had to leave my foolish otouto in his hands, and he promised us that he would protect him. We helped circulate the story that Shisui and myself murdered the clan and abandoned the village, so that no one would follow us. Tsunade-sama and Jiraiya-sama always looked out for us, gathering information of what was going on when we were acting as double agents for Konoha and Akatsuki."

I was refraining myself from bursting out into tears at this point. Why was I so emotional, goddamn it?! Kunoichi are not supposed to be emotional.

"We were planning to destroy Madara, but he murdered the Sanadime, with Danzou's help, and again, Shisui and I were helpless to stop it. Cunning and calculating, he let Tsunade-sama take control of the village, bring it back to a semblance of order while infesting her most powerful and trusted ranks with his own and Danzou's puppets. Then with the collaboration of the village council, who were always suspicious of her and her most trusted allies for not giving them the liberty to pursue their own interests at the expense of the village as they did towards the end of the aging Sandaime's reign, ousted her, and he came in and took control, in the process betraying Pein and the Akatsuki."

I swallowed, confused, as my brain processed all this information I'd just heard. What. The. HELL?!

"Pein, I mean, did he…he must-"

"He was aware, yes. Pein, Shisui, Jiraiya-sama and myself have been collaborating for a long time. We just couldn't act because it would not be appropriate for the Godaime Hokage and her most trusted advisor to be associated with S-Class missing nin. Madara could never dare irk Pein. He understood the power of the Rinnengan. After all, it is descended from the Rikudou Sennin, and its power is comparable to the Mangekyou Sharingan."

My attention suddenly shifted to the heavy tome in his arms. "That tome you hold, it seems to be of very high sentimental value to you," I said softly, deliberately leaving the sentence hanging and hoping he would expound on it.

"This tome is an Uchiha heirloom. It has in it the most powerful katon techniques and the secrets to activating the Mangekyou Sharingan and the eternal Mangekyou Sharingan without the consequent side effects. Madara wrote parts of it, but it was completed by other Uchiha members. I have awakened my eternal Mangekyou, and Shisui is in the process of awakening his. I intend to begin teaching Sasuke to awaken his Mangekyou Sharingan as well. We need everything to defeat Madara. I owe it to my clan, my parents, my uncle and aunt-"

At this point he choked, overwhelmed by grief and gripped the tome to his chest protectively. My own heart shattered at this raw display of emotion, and almost subconsciously, I walked towards him, slowly prying the book from his hands and placing it back on the table and pulled him into my arms for a tight embrace.

At this point, I had a new resolve. Everyone was growing stronger, and Madara just had to be annihilated. I would not be left behind. There was nothing else that could be done or said about it. He was threat to everyone, probably to himself as well. He had become so obsessed with power that it had a reached a point where it had to be stripped from him, and the most permanent way of doing that was by killing him.

After a while of just standing there, holding each other in a rather emotional embrace, I decided to ask him one last question before we would set up for the night. "Who else is aware of this place?" I whispered to him.

"Godaime, Jiraiya-sama, Kakashi-san, Shisui and Pein."

I slowly pulled away from him. He hesitated for a bit first, but he eventually did let me go. "We need to go to sleep now. You said we must make god speed to Kiri. I won't say anything about, well, everything, unless you want me to."

I had no idea how to say what I wanted to say next, but it had to be done.

"I really appreciate you confiding in me, Itachi. I don't know or understand why you trust me this much, but it is an incredible morale booster. Thank you," I ended shyly, looking away and blushing the brightest shade of red yet.

He slipped his forefinger under my chin, his thumb slowly moving over my jawbone. I clutched my hands into fists and bit my tongue at his touch. He lifted my head to look at him, and his full, sensual mouth had curved into a half-smile, half-smirk, but his eyes still had that sad, regretful look in them.

Had I forgotten just how unbelievably _handsome_ this man was?!

"I trust you," he said simply, his lilting tenor soft and sincere. "Just like Kakashi-san and Tsunade-sama."

By this time, the skin on my face should surely have slid off with how hard it was burning. Shisui would tease me for _days_ if he heard of this.

"I believe it is time we went to sleep now."

It never took us long to prepare to sleep. We both entered into his overly comfortable sleeping bad, using my tiny one in comparison as a pillow. I made a mental note to demand a better one from Shishou when we got back.

…

It did not take us long to wake up and prepare ourselves for the rest of our journey to Kiri the next morning. After everything that was revealed to me the night before, I was too busy thinking about everything that had been going on for the past six or seven years to even remember how dark and long and annoying these tunnels under the ground of the middle of Kami knows where to be irritated at this journey.

We got back above ground, and because of being in the darkness for so long, my eyes burned for a bit, before they got accustomed to the brightness of the sunlight.

Faster than I could remember, we got to Kiri. We were missing nin, so we could not get into the village through the conventional methods. Mizukage-sama was supposed to be waiting for us outside the gates, but she wasn't there. Itachi suddenly stopped, and just as abruptly, I stopped as well. Something didn't seem right, and when I looked up at Itachi, he has ever so slightly narrowed his eyes, feeling suspicious himself.

"Hide your presence," he commanded, and as I worked to compress my chakra, I felt his own disappear.

Suddenly, I felt a presence behind me, and quickly charging chakra in my left hand, I turned to smash whoever's skull that may or may not have been sneaking on us, but stopped at the last second when I realised it was Ao, one of Mizukage-sama's most trusted men.

"Itachi-san, Sakura-san. I'm glad you have arrived. I'm afrais I don't have good news. Mei-sama has been captured, and we suspect Uchiha Madara is behind it."

Well, I thought as I watched Itachi's crimson sharingan darken back to the midnight blue that was his normal eye colour. This was not going to go well.

**Yo, guys. Sup. *Salutes***

**Reviews? KThxBai.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Funny Fates 17.**

**As much as I think my writing skills aren't as good as they were(my roomie swears on her 250 gig anime collection that it's perfect, but I don't believe her) I think I'm doing much better than I thought, writer's block notwithstanding. Nonetheless, I thank you all for your patience with me. I'm having exams at the moment, and I'm actually supposed to be studying instead of posting fanfiction, and this might not come out as fast as I'd like, but here goes.**

This was _not _good.

We, being Itachi, myself and Ao were standing some kilometres from the village gates of Kirigakure no Sato. The Godaime Mizukage, Terumi Mei had disappeared, presumably captured by Madara and/or Danzou. This meant that we had to send an emergency message to Shishou, Jiraiya-sama and Pein informing them of this new annoyance, then go out and look for her, _then _come back to Kiri and sort out this moles business.

Why the fuck would they want to put moles in Kiri anyway? Suna has always shown that it's more than able to keep in touch with us at any time, due to the relationship between Gaara and Naruto, _and _it was relatively closer to Ame than Kiri was. So why Kiri, which was further away from Ame?

I frowned. This was not amusing in the least_._

Without hesitation, I did the seals necessary for a summoning technique to summon one of Katsuyu-sama's little ones. She'd get there in an hour or so, our fastest bet considering the urgency of this situation. A small grey cloud of smoke appeared, and the little slug landed on my shoulder.

My lip twitching in mischief, I risked a glance at Ao. Predictably, he was rather…unsettled at this development. It was always so hilarious whenever Shishou, Shizune or myself summoned our trademark summons, and the bigger the summon, the more hilarious the reactions. As a result, people tended to underestimate how resourceful Katsuyu-sama and her little ones could be, because they were too busy being unsettled about (a) giant/medium/normal sized/little/tiny/minute slug(s). They were the most versatile of the summons. Gamabunta and Manda were mostly used for combat and intimidation, Katsuyu-sama could be used for anything, really; from combat to healing to reconnaissance. She was also the only one who could keep aforementioned giant summons in line when they decided to start their childish bickering.

They reminded me of my boys actually. Very powerful, but their mental capacity was lower than their shoe sizes.

She was also a scarily competent combatant, her speed and reflexes always catching her enemies off guard, which was mostly as a result of people underestimating her abilities. It may or may not be also why Bunta, and in particular Manda, had a healthy fear of her. Apparently they are very well aware of how much her poison _burns. _I've analysed that stuff, and good Kami-sama it freaking _BURNS_!

"Sakura, I really don't think this is the time. Please do what you're supposed to do swiftly so that we can decide our next course of action," Itachi said, back to his indifferent self, sensing my amusement at Ao's uncomfortable reaction.

I turned my attention back to the little slug on my shoulder. She was quite adorable, to be honest. I really didn't understand why Ao was struggling to cringe. "Go and tell Shihsou, Jiraiya-sama and Pein that Mizukage-sama has disappeared, presumably kidnapped by Madara and/or Danzou. We're collaborating with her elite here to do everything in our power to look for her. We'd also appreciate it if they could try and help out track her, and by they I mean Kakashi-sensei."

The little slug nodded and disappeared.

Ao regained his composure and gestured us towards the village. I was slightly shocked and raised an eyebrow.

"We're missing nin. Do you want to be seen with us in public?"

He looked at me and smirked. "Indeed you are. However, absolutely nobody in this village even knows where the likes of Uchiha Itachi and Haruno Sakura are. We haven't seen nor heard from you since…Madara's administration was…recognised as the legitimate power in Konoha. After all, why would we spoil Mei-sama's reputation and that of the village by associating ourselves with renegades? The Daimyou would be appalled, and we would have very many questions to answer," He said loudly, as we approached the gates of the village and the guards, without a shred of hesitation, opened them for us, knowing very well who we were.

Ha. It seemed they had this shit on lockdown.

We walked towards the offices where the Mizukage and her administration were based, and once we got inside, I felt, rather than saw Itachi activate his sharingan, no doubt placing one of his powerful genjutsu over the building. He wasn't taking any chances. I wondered whether any of the moles had seen us walk by, but absolutely no one seemed bothered by us, or the fact that we were received by their elite as if we're esteemed guests rather than missing nin.

"A day after Mizukage-sama left the village, we received this," Aoba said, getting right into business. It was a note, written in a rather elegant hand. Itachi's crimson eyes narrowed. He kept his sharingan active to keep constant tabs on the genjutsu around the building, and he seemed rather comfortable doing it. He never seemed to lose a lot of chakra, a testament to his skill. Sasuke always complained about feeling his chakra literally leave his body when he constantly kept his bloodline unit activated. He was, however, more concerned about the note Ao handed over to him. Did he have an idea of the source?

Before either of us could say anything, though, a chocolate brown pouf of smoke appeared, and in front of us stood one of the large, graceful deer of the Nara forest. She was a doe this time, and going by her sheer size, she seemed to be rather high in the hierarchy of the herd. She walked over to Itachi and handed him a piece of paper, her hooves not making a single sound on the floor.

Ao nearly doubled over in shock. It would have been funny had it not been for the dire situation we were in.

"What the _hell_ is up with you Konoha shinobi and your bloody summons?! Warn us please, before your beasts just appear in front of us. We are _not _used to this kind of thing for Kami's sake," he grumbled, placing a hand on his chest to calm himself.

"Apologies, Ao-san," Itachi replied, not sounding at all apologetic as he gently took the paper from the doe's mouth and scratched the back of her ears in appreciation. She, in turn, leaned her head into his touch.

I subconsciously glared at her, then internally face-palmed at being jealous of an _animal _for enjoying Itachi's touch.

My lust was getting ridiculous.

"Even we can't tell when they arrive, unless they are our personal summons."

"Do _all _of you have personal summons? It seems as though it's a recommendation for your Black Ops to have some summon or other," he asked, eyebrow raised in scepticism. I couldn't blame him, really. No one ever expected the general insanity of Konoha shinobi, including Konoha shinobi themselves. Many a time even I was shocked, sometimes appalled at the unorthodoxy that plagued my colleagues.

"Not all of us. A majority of the elite do, however. The other general Black Ops operatives have no summons, particularly those not allied to Tsunade-sama."

He still looked sceptical, before Itachi flipped the back of the paper and calmly asked for a pen. He scri- quickly wrote (Uchiha don't scribble. They just quickly write stuff, which may _sometimes _go past the margin) something on it, folded it neatly, giving it back to the doe and giving her instructions to go back to Nara Shikaku and tell him that they would wait for instructions from Pein and Tsunade-sama before acting. He said we'd do the job, at the very latest, in twenty four hours.

I looked curiously at him, wondering what the hell he was going on about, while Ao, looking deceptively relaxed, was looking around, paranoid, waiting for, in his words, some summon or other to pop out of nowhere and scare the eye-patch off his eye.

"I have good news for you, Ao-san," Itachi said quietly, removing a kunai from his belt and spinning it on his index finger. He was leaning causally on the table, legs crossed and one arm folded over his sleek abdomen.

I dropped my gaze and bit my lip, fiddling with my gloves to give myself something to do. He always had that pose when he was feeling particularly smug, and good Lord he was _sexy as hell_. This time, though it was not smugness. He was looking to go out and have some fun, or what normal people would call indiscriminately killing people they abhor.

Uchiha Itachi , however, is by no means normal. No Uchiha is, actually. Their lacking mentality is what constituted their brilliance in their craft. To indiscriminately kill someone you felt you should die without feeling a shred of guilt or mercy is what separated good shinobi from brilliant shinobi, and everyone knew Uchiha were brilliant shinobi.

"Mizukage-sama has been found, and she is a few kilometres outside the Nara forest. The Nara clan deer are keeping an eye out for her, attacking the Konoha guard by night and making sure they don't injure or incapacitate her. All we need to do is get there and rescue her, annihilate the Root forces stationed there and come back here as soon as possible. I suggest you make arrangements on who will temporarily take your place in administration for the next forty eight or so hours, and have another one of your elite, preferably one of your seven ninja swordsmen accompany us. Sakura here and myself are currently awaiting for instructions from Pein and Tsunade-sama."

Ao shook his head slightly, with what looked like a wry smile on his face. "Perhaps I can understand why the Uchiha were such a feared clan, and why Madara is very paranoid about Tsunade and her allies. Please wait here. I'll only be a moment."

Just as he left, one of Katsuyu-sama's little ones appeared on my shoulder again, obviously with the response of what we should do. We already knew what it would say, but I took it out and read it anyway.

"She's told us to get going already, and stop wasting time sending messages to allies all over the realm," I said, rolling my eyes at the exaggeration. Knowing her if we'd never have said anything she'd have yelled at us to deafness, though in truth she only did that because she was always genuinely concerned about our well-being. She always blamed herself for our missing nin status, and whenever one of us got injured or something bad happened to us, she was constantly hard on herself. She never realised she was as much of a victim as we were.

I really loved her to bits, Shishou.

From the outside, I heard a familiar voice. It was a voice I hadn't heard in a long time. I smiled.

"Why me though?" he asked, undoubtedly pushing his spectacles up the bridge of his nose, a subconscious habit he's always had.

"Stop arguing, Choujurou, and just go. Sakura-san is in there and she is looking forward to seeing you. We also have to go save Mizukage-sama. Do you want me to tell her you refused to participate in her rescue mission?"

"But taking care of the administration is technical-"

"GO!"

A deep sigh, and the door opened, and in entered the youngest, but, in my opinion, one of the most dangerous combatants in Kirigakure no Sato, Chojurou, wielder of _Hiramekarei_, and one of the infamous Seven Swordsmen of the Mist.

He wasn't dangerous because of the sword, he was dangerous because of the fact that he could yield it so young. The story was he hadn't even mastered how to really wield it, like Kisame and _Samehada, _but he had been known to transit from one weapon in another in the middle of fights and cleave people clean in half as they stood on their feet. It was _terrifying _to think of how strong he'd get once he completely mastered it.

"Wuz hap'nin, Cho?" I asked, inclining my head slightly in greeting. Itachi nodded once to acknowledge his presence.

"Saku-chan, Uchiha-san. How are you guys doing? Been a while, hasn't it?" he asked, visibly delighted, pushing his specs up his nose.

We had a slight conversation and caught up after our pleasantries, and Ao then walked in a bit more serious than normal. "What is the matter, Ao-san," Itachi asked, noticing his tension.

"We think we've figured out who our moles are, but we are not very sure. We think they are the ones because they probably heard about your presence around the village. With Sakura-san's pink hair-" I glared at him. What was with people and my hair?! Didn't they understand the science of genes, dammit?!- "and you being an Uchiha, they must have wanted to confirm if you really were here. They never frequent this room at all, but they suddenly just appeared. It's the only place accessible to Kiri shinobi of all ranks in this building."

"Where are they?" I asked, slightly excited at the prospect of entertainment.

Ao, not very accustomed to the idiosyncrasies of Konoha shinobi, hesitated for a split second before pointed us out to the door he'd just come from.

Without any fear of anything, I was the first to walk into the room. It was something of a library, because it was swarming with jounin, a few chuunin and a tiny handful of genin. A pretty decent knowledge source. I suppose this why any shinobi could access it. Suddenly, I saw three kunoichi and one shinobi tense up. It was very subtle and they calmed down immediately after, but I noticed it.

"So Choujirou," I said loudly, pretending to be looking at a medical scroll. "You think this scroll can gimme a tip or two on poisons? Oh, it also has tracking notes and stuff. Cool."

"Yeah," Choujirou responded, catching on on my tactics. Now _he _understood the idiosyncrasies of Konoha Shinobi. "In fact I think _Hatake-san _would be very interested in it. Would you like to borrow it for him?" he responded, dropping Kakashi-sensei's name, and watching the exact same shinobi I was.

One of the kunoichi twitched.

"But I'll probably lose it or something. I hate scrolls because of all the ones _Tsunade-Shishou _made me read."

The shinobi clutched the kunai in his hand a little bit too tightly.

"Perhaps I could carry it for him. I'm sure even _Shizune-san _would greatly appreciate the knowledge it holds," Itachi joined our conversation, his slightly husky, lilting tenor catching everyone's attention, especially the kunoichi. Some were even blatantly ogling.

One of our pals were keeping an eye out on actually choked, and her counterpart visibly gasped, though they both hid it well by pretending it was because they had read something shocking or appalling.

Bingo. We had our moles right there. This was only the beginning. Catching them was fine, it was getting them to talk that was the problem.

We had other priorities at the time, though, and just as abruptly as we came in, we left. I could they would sake in their shinobi sandals for a bit before running off straight to Danzour or Madara or whoever they reported to. Either way, Konoha would know of our presence, and they would come after us.

For once, The Fates are being funny _with _me and not _against _me.


	18. Chapter 18

**Funny Fates 18.**

I was grinding my teeth in irritation, the vein on my forehead about to pop and explode in a gruesome mess of blood and rage and tissue.

I knew that I shouldn't have trusted the fates. The one time I thought we were working together, but I should have known better. It was a trap, because this was well past ridiculous.

After we defeated Madara and Danzou and got back Konoha, I better have an extremely senior post in that administration that will follow, because this mental degeneration I'm currently being subjected to is _not _for nothing.

"Ao-san," I ground out through clenched teeth, trying (and failing rather spectacularly) to keep my anger at bay. "Don't you think we should come up with a much more solid plan of attack?! This…this…whatever it is, of just going in and destroying everything and rescuing Mizukage-sama and disappearing after chopping off a head or two really isn't what I'd call a very good idea."

Ao-san, who at this point I was convinced had come up with some sort of secret agreement with Itachi to annoy the hell out of me whenever they both had the chance looked at me and smiled a little too innocently.

My eyebrow was twitching at a speed that would make Sasuke proud.

"My apologies, Sakura-san, but this is the most appropriate plan at the moment. We are not to go all out, but just remind Madara that we are still around," he told me, shrugging as he put an array of kunai and shuriken around his belt.

"What if _they _go all out on us?" I growled, only just refraining from destroying something.

"Then we'll retaliate in kind."

This was not gonna end well if I continued, so I just decided to drop it for the sake of my sanity.

Rubbing the bridge of my nose in an attempt to ease my frustration, I decided to leave this bloody building before I ended up destroying it. I don't think Mizukage-sama would approve. She'd probably understand, but definitely not approve. Choujirou, who was making a valiant attempt not to just outright laugh at our interactions, followed me outside. Maybe he was just trying to cheer me up, but I doubted it. The one time I trusted the fates to humour me just this once _this _madness happened. I really needed to know what I had done wrong in my past life so that I could remedy it. Hanging out with Itachi was proving to be a serious exercise in patience and self-control, in both emotions and hormones.

Especially hormones.

"Don't worry, we're about to leave," he said, in much more sedate manner than I thought.

I sighed. "Let's just go. Knowing Itachi, we'll be there by nightfall, and then he'll expect us to wreak havoc. To be perfectly honest, I'm one hundred percent sure he's hiding something from us. Fucking sexy genius," I grumbled, crossing my arms on my chest and frowning, trying, for the life of me to brainstorm just what the hell that Uchiha heir (head technically? I mean, he _is _the oldest son of the last head? But though the Uchiha Clan is literally not a clan, since there are only four live members, one of whom we are fighting against, so we can't really put him with us, so that leaves only three members alive, and three members cannot constitute a clan. But technically, they do share the attributes of what is considered a shinobi clan: bloodline limit and distinct physical characteristics. Still though, if we consider…wait, what the hell am I blabbering about?!) was hiding.

_Very good question you just asked there, by the way, _my inner said with a great deal of contempt. I snorted outwardly at her behaviour. This really wasn't the time. _You're supposed to be thinking about what the sexy Adonis is up to and you've somehow digressed to how many members a clan should have. In fact, you're supposed to think of how to get us into bed with him, preferably if he's got no clothes on._

**Oh, just shut the fuck up and disappear if you're not gonna help. All you do is swoon and say the worst things in his presence. We are in a serious crisis, as you are very well aware.**

"…aku-chan? Saku-chan? Saaaaaakuraaaaa? Hello? Can you hear me?" Choujirou's voice suddenly knocked me out of my mental debate. He was waving his hand in front of my face, his face full of disbelief at my behaviour.

I smiled awkwardly and subconsciously begun rubbing the back of my head, which consequently messed my hair and I had to pat it down again. Slightly embarrassed, I quickly moved my hand and crossed it with the other one in front of me.

Oh dear Kami-sama.

"You okay?" Choujirou asked again, raising an eyebrow at my behaviour. I was acting like a genin confronting her crush who was a jounin. "You've been frowning a lot and grumbling stuff about killing genius assholes."

"Sorry," I muttered, not knowing what else to say.

"I take it you are both ready to depart," Itachi, appearing out of absolutely nowhere, as he was prone to do, asked, his calm, lilting tenor as indifferent and sexy as it always was.

I turned to glare hell murder at him, because he had actually quite scared the shit out of me, but the look in his eyes made my mouth dry up faster than the water filter in the sitting room when Naruto and Kisame had come from a training session.

His kekkei genkai was still active, intense crimson eyes gazing right into the depths of my wavering soul. There was something about the intensity of his gaze, coupled with the slow, deliberate masculine smirk that curved his sensual lips when Choujirou and Ao weren't looking that warned me of a certain impending doom in the near future.

This was not going to end well. I refused to blush. _Refused._

"Let's just go," I muttered, clenching and unclenching my fists to try and get my concentration away from my raging hormones. Before anyone else (more specifically Itachi) could retort, I was out of there.

As I was sprinting through the environment, a realisation suddenly hit me, and I almost facepalmed at my idiocy.

_Which fucking direction were we supposed to be headed?_

Oh dear Lord…I really hated my life right now.

"Keep going," I had a particularly husky whisper in my ear. If my chakra control wasn't brilliant as it was, I'd have most definitely missed the branch I was supposed to land on and instead landed on the ground ass first because such was the sad state of my luck. "You're headed in the right direction."

Before I could get my hyperventilating brain cells in a semblance of order, Itachi sprinted right past me, and my poor eyes were assaulted by his gorgeous ponytail and his rather shapely ass.

I swallowed heavily and punched a tree trunk into splinters in an effort to get my raging arousal in check.

Oh boy.

…

Only punishment from Shishou _and_ a training session with Pein stopped me from screaming and pulling my hair from the roots in frustration.

We were currenly huddles around each other on a tree, peeking-_peeking_-at you Mizukage-sama's captives. They were looking rather apprehensive; very jumpy and nervous, and it was not her they were sacred of, because she doing an excellent job pretending she was sound asleep.

These guys were also rather stupid. They should have bound her with chakra strings. Didn't they understand just how powerful Mei-sama was?! She was the only shinobi alive with _two_ bloodline limits.

"Why did you not bind her with chakra strings?! It's such incompetence that Madara-dono despises. _I'm _the one that's going to be answerable for your stupidity. I _knew _I shouldn't have listened to those old farts in the council and just had my ROOT in charge of this. In fact I should convince Madara-dono to have me assassinate the whole lot."

My rage immediately disappeared after I heard that gruff yet somewhat noble voice. I narrowed my eyes. I spared a glance at Itachi, and his face was as blankly smooth as paper.

So _that _was what he wasn't telling us. Shimura Danzou would be making an appearance.

Well, this was an interesting occurrence, and suddenly I was itching to punch his face into the earth.

"There are sixteen of them, excluding our beloved friend there," Ao whispered when he was done sensing the chakra patterns around us and pointing at Danzou. "I take it we'll be facing four each as Mizukage-sama keeps Shimura busy?"

Itachi deactivated his sharingan, rich crimson darkening into midnight blue, the three tomoe forging back to form his pupil. His normal eyes were as blank as his sharingan was just moments ago.

It was always fascinating watching how his eyes changed, particularly the deliberate way he did it. It just showed the mastery he had of his kekkei genkai. It was the reason he was most feared, and also the reason he was incredibly powerful.

"Sakura, scatter them with your strength. Ao, distract Danzou-san. Choujirou, go get Mizukage-sama. I'll deal with the perimeter. When we are done, we should converge three kilometres north of here. The Nara forest doe that brought us the note from Madara will be there. I believe there's some information she has for Tsunade-sama," Itachi responded coolly, readying himself for combat.

Finally, combat. I smirked recklessly.

Without waiting or thinking, I jumped high into the air, bursting out from the tree we were hurdled in. I glanced down, and my smirk widened at the shocked horror registered on Madara's forces' faces, and-most importantly-on Danzou's face.

I also did not miss the smirk on Mizukage-sama's gorgeous face.

_That _was also what Itachi hadn't told us. She was expecting us.

Channelling a significant amount of chakra in my fist, I begun falling, relishing in the gravitational force that would bring me down faster and increase the sheer force I would smash the ground with.

"SHAAAAAAANNNNNAROOOOO!"

My fist hit the ground, and with it all the chakra accumulated in it. The sheer force of my punch, combined with the gravity I landed with absolutely _destroyed _ the area. Instead of causing overall destruction as was expected, the ground sunk inward and formed a huge crater. Danzou and his minute men literally flew into the air, and before most of them realised what was going on they had already been decapitated or cleaved lengthwise clean in half, courtesy of Itachi and Choujirou. Heads and slashed bodies landed, some still alive, but they'd die soon enough.

Choujirou rushed to the Mizukage and cut her bindings, and in the blink of an eye she had joined us.

"Good evening, Danzou," Ao greeted sedately, mockingly pleasant. "Absolutely wonderful seeing you again. I do hope you're faring well, no? How is Madara-dono? Is he doing quite as fine as you?"

Danzou, completely caught off guard and at a loss of what to say or do, simply stared at Ao as if he's grown another head.

"Well, I suppose we should get going now, since we've retrieved Mizukage-sama. We would have loved terribly to pop in and say hello, but we really are in a hurry. We have things to do back in Kiri, such as mobilising for war and what not. Please, do pass our greetings over to Madara-dono, if you'd be so kind," Ao continued in that same mocking tone, smiling sweetly, which was kinda creepy considering his eye patch.

It was kind of like the smile Kakashi-sensei used to give Naruto and me when he was training us for ANBU. He somehow always managed to look adorable, yet we knew we were in for a hard day, and more often than not Yamato-taichou and Shizune-nee would literally have to drag us back to our homes.

I shuddered at the thought, but I also remembered, with a sadness that ran deep, those were the days we had Sai.

"You-your Daimyou will hear of this. I will personally see to it," Danzou squeaked, trying to sound intimidating. He was definitely not the same Danzou that scared the shit out of the now dead forces around us.

"Of course he will," Mizukage-sama replied, speaking for the first time. "The onus, however, will be up to you to prove that we did, in fact, attack you without provocation and after my hunter-nin are done cleaning up this place, it will look as immaculate as it did a few minutes ago."

As she spoke, masked nin suddenly appeared. "Clean this place up," she ordered, turning to them. "Make the ground as even as before. The Nara Deer will do the rest for you. You should be out of here in 24 hours. If Danzou-san is still here, be courteous enough to escort him back to Konoha."

"See ya," I yelled at Danzou as we left, just to unnerve him more.

I had a death wish, but hey, my reputation preceded me.

…

We were finally on our way to Kiri, and we then took the opportunity to explain to Mizukage-sama that we had figured out who our moles were, we just needed to gather the information from them, then we'd proceed from there.

"Hmm," she mumbled. "It's true they aren't particularly high in the hierarchy, but they may be privy to some confidential information because they are answerable to some of my elite. Nonetheless, we shall make arrangements for you guys to interrogate them. Don't you worry. When you arrive, just go on and rest. We'll meet up tomorrow to begin sorting out this mess."

We passed by the Northern part of the forest to meet up with the Nara doe. She gave us the note from Shikamaru and his dad and we proceeded to continue to Kiri.

I was rather exhausted, and it was going to be a long day the next day. The moment we arrived I bid my goodnights, and headed to the quarters I was assigned. I was looking forward to a nice dinner, nice shower, and sweet, sweet sleep.

Forty five minutes later found me come out fresh from the shower, stuffed and fresh and ready for sleep. My kunoichi senses, were tingling however. Something wasn't right, and I began channelling chakra into my fists, ready for anything, despite the fact that all I had on were black panties and an oversized t-shirt.

Just then, I felt it, the presence that was disturbing me. Unfortunately, the owner could move considerably faster than me, and in a split second I was immobilised. A powerful arm wrapped around my waist, and his other hand covered my mouth to prevent any sound. He had me pushed up his lean, muscular body, and he had one of his muscular thighs between my legs. I was also unable to move my arms.

I began to panic, then I heard that sexy, smooth, lilting tenor in my ear, low and husky with arousal, and I all but melted in his arms.

"Your resistance, though admittedly, quite the turn on, is futile. Tonight, you're _mine." _Itachi murmured in that quiet, demanding way of his.

My gracefully eloquent response was a squeak.

"I am looking forward to acquainting myself with you this evening, and I will see to it that you thoroughly enjoy my lovemaking."

Well, that escalated quickly.

**FINALLY! I'm done with both exams and this. If it's not obvious enough, sexy times lie in the next chapter, and I'll need monumental inspiration (a.k.a reviews) to write it, because laziness is a bad, bad thing. Enjoy it nonetheless. It was rather fun writing this. ^_^ KThxBye.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Funny Fates 19.**

Well, this was a rather…interesting situation Sakura found herself in.

One moment she was going through her normal evening routine right before bed in the quarters that the Kirigakure administration had so courteously provided her, the next moment she was in Itachi's room (which, she noted, was much bigger and more luxurious than hers), on top of _him _on _his_ bed. Her clothes were wrinkled, her hair was a mess, her mind was hyperventilating and her hormones were on overdrive.

She was in quite the daze, and she actually liked it.

She was seated on his lap, straddling him, her knees on his hips and her hands on his shoulders. A weird, though not unpleasant sense of deja vu filled her. She blushed slightly when she realised where _his _own hands were, on the waist band of her panties, his long fingers tracing the outline of them. He was, as expected, in all black; black jeans and a black sleeveless shirt, and she could feel the muscles in his broad shoulders under his smooth skin.

Itachi, unable to prevent the sheer masculine satisfaction radiating off him in waves at her attraction to him, smirked up at her. She seemed to have sensed this, for she immediately shifted her head to look at him. He locked gazes with her and held. A small gasp left Sakura. She saw that in his current state of arousal he had instinctively activated his sharingan. Lust had made his eyes darken, and the normally rich, crimson colour had deepened to a deep burgundy, totally startling in their intensity. Her mind kept deteriorating further at his sex appeal, and she decided it was time to look away when she saw his full, sensual mouth curve in to that sexy, predatory, masculine smirk of his. She swallowed heavily, before dropping her gaze.

There was no doubt about it. Uchiha Itachi was going to have sex with her tonight, and absolutely nothing was going to stop him. _Nothing. _Not even Madara declaring war that very second would stop this sexual tension between them. She felt slightly flattered that he wanted her as much as she did, but his masculine aggression, sexy as it was, may be too much for her to handle.

Slowly, he shifted slightly, subtly grinding his hips into hers. He was getting aroused, and he wanted to her to realise this. She gasped, and his smirk widened. Making her his was going to be rather entertaining, it seemed.

This man was just on another level of gorgeous. Quite frankly, it was a _sin_ to be this sexy.

Her hands moved down his torso, with the intention to just want to _feel _him. She slid her hands, fleeting and gentle in her touch, from his shoulders, down his muscular chest, up to his sleek, flat abdomen, and this is where she breathed in sharply, because abs.

Now, Sakura always considered herself an abs girl. In her medical career back in Konoha she had seen many, many men with some gorgeous physiques. Her eyes had been blessed with the sight of some breath taking musculature, but even then, she had never felt anything quite like the torso of the man she was currently sitting on.

He was lean, partly due to genetics, she supposed, and partly due to his fighting style. His muscles were not bulging, but they were subtle. You could see traces of them, just the sheer outline, but you _knew _they were there. Her hands paused on his stomach, the much more feminine part of her enjoying some seriously delicious muscle. His muscular structure was so perfectly developed; she doubted if he had any traces of fat at all.

Making up her mind, she had decided it was time for that bloody troublesome shirt to get off. It was clearly getting in the way of her enjoyment. Her hands then moved to his waist, trying to tug the shirt out of his jeans. It was taking a lot more time and effort than she deemed necessary, and she begun to frown in irritation.

"Off," she growled, tugging even harder, consequently making her move slightly above him. This movement did not go unnoticed by Itachi, who narrowed his eyes at her. She was unintentionally grinding herself into him, and his hardening erection was all the more aware of her panty clad centre. He also noticed that said centre was slightly wet, no doubt from her arousal. Instinctively, his hips thrust slightly upwards in response, and Sakura froze, feeling that hot, hard bulge in his pants.

Sakura, at this point in time seriously considering just ripping the damn shirt off his torso, just realised what it was she _felt _under her_. _Despite her best efforts, her face heated up, blushing like a shy maiden, which she most definitely was _not_. Itachi then took the opportunity to take the shirt off himself. He noticed she had been trying (and failing, which amused him so) to do the same, and knowing her impatience she very well might rip it to shreds in an attempt to undress him. This was one of his favourite sleeping shirts, and he could not have it damaged in any way.

Sakura could not look away. She watched him take his own shirt off. Slowly, he lifted the material off his body, and his smooth skin, the muscle shifting beneath it visible was exposed. Against her better judgement, Sakura stared. She shamelessly ogled. Finally, the offensive (okay, she really needed to get her mind off hating that shirt now) thing was off, and she was free to admire the physique of the sexiest man in the world at the moment, and admire she did.

This man had the body of a Greek god. Even Adonis would be jealous, she was sure.

Itachi, his forefinger and thumb on her chin, turned her head to look at him, and the look on her face made his cock harden to the point where it was almost painful. Her eyes were slightly glazed over in lust. Her breathing was slightly rugged, though she was making a conscious effort to regulate if. Those full, luscious lips of hers that he had wanted to capture with his own for a while were moist and slightly parted. He bit his lip.

It was times like this that he thanked the fated for that iron discipline and self-control he had been brutally trained to have since his childhood. If he was a lessor man he knew he would have already had her by now, but he wanted to savour in this moment. War was brewing, and he never knew when he would have a private moment to indulge in his little female again.

Here she was, the young woman he had, admittedly, been lusting after for quite a while, seated on his lap. However, it was not her svelte, yet curvy body that caught and held his attention, causing his attraction to her. She was, no doubt, one of the most powerful kunoichi of her generation. After all, she _was _the disciple of one of the legendary sennin, the Godaime Hokage. She was very intelligent, had excellent chakra control, and her medical skills were arguably second only to her Shishou. She was also one of the very few medics who could successfully engage in combat, and as his foolish otoutou would say, beat the living shit out of anybody.

She was also scarily independent, strong willed and headstrong, not to mention fiercely protective of those dear to her. Her strength in character, abilities and self-confidence is what would make her an excellent matriarch; the kind of woman who would work _with _him and not _for _him. She would never succumb to pressure, but make her own decision based on her own objective analysis: a major flaw present in his own dear late, beloved mother.

Before she could react, he lifted his neck to her and kissed her. She stiffened a little first, before relaxing, and literally melting into him. He smirked again (she never ceased to amuse him) and tilted his head, deepening the kiss. She let out a low moan, and that sound shot a tingling sensation right through his body straight to his groin. He really needed to stop hanging out with Shisui and Jiraiya-sama. Their perverse behaviours were getting to him.

He slipped his tongue into her mouth, sliding it sensually against her own. Sakura, her body responding completely instinctively to Itachi, pressed herself harder into him. Oh God…if anyone was aware of how wantonly she was behaving she'd be teased for _days_. It wasn't her fault though. Her body was making her do this.

Itachi's hot mouth left hers, and he kissed his way down her jawline, her chin, until he reached her neck and latched on like a leech, sucking hard on her. Sakura gasped, and she decided that she was not the only one that was going to suffer. She slipped her hands down his pants, and to her perverted delight (all Naruto and Sasuke's fault, by the way. Did anyone hear how much they _analysed Icha Icha _as if it was some kind of literary work of art?! It was just porn, for Kami's sake) he was not wearing boxers, or any other kind of underwear, for that matter.

She came into contact with his cock; hard, thick and rigid. He was rather…large, to be honest, and she should not have been shocked. Back in her wanderer missing nin days, she had heard about how Uchiha men were quite…blessed, for lack of a better word. She even had the good luck of meeting one of the women that had the excellent fortune of having him grace her bed. Of course, knowing them, they rarely indulged in their carnal desires, but when they did, the quite never held back. In the words of that wise courtesan, he was still a man and men had needs.

Said woman also informed her that Uchiha Itachi was an excellent lover. Coming from a woman who fucked men for a living, that was probably a big deal. He really must have left quite the impact.

She felt his breath hitch when she wrapped her hand around his erection, and she had to direct her gaze away from him so that he couldn't see the mirth in her eyes. She traced her finger across his length, and let out a low moan at her ministrations. Oh Lord the _satisfaction _of sexually besting a man who was known to have panties (including hers) dripping wet with a mere smirk.

Itachi, however, was not a man to relinquish control easily. His masculinity slightly bruised by the satisfaction radiating off her, he removed his mouth from her neck and took her t-shirt off and promptly took one of her nipples into his mouth, one arm possessively wrapping around her waist to keep her pinned to him, the other hand fondling the breast his mouth wasn't working on, all at a speed only achievable by a shinobi of his calibre.

Sakura, absolutely not expecting any of this, let out a loud wail of pleasure in response; one which she was sure half of Kiri had heard, but at this point in time she was too doped up on pleasure to care. Dear _Lord_ that was amazing. Her hands immediately tangled into his long, silky raven hair, and she instinctively pulled his head closer to her. He, in response, sucked harder on her breast, something he came to realise quickly he was enjoying quite a bit.

His hot mouth eventually let go of her nipple, and his hand slowly moved downward, past her flat stomach and he slipped it in between her legs. Sakura squeaked, but nonetheless did not object in the least. She was _dripping, _and that was putting it lightly.

"I rarely indulge in my carnal desires, little one, but never have I wanted to fuck a woman as hard as I want to fuck you right now," he purred in her ear, feeling rather than seeing the bright blush blooming on her face. He could really get used to this. Her modest was quite endearing, and arousing.

He slipped two fingers into her wet cavern, enjoying the warm, wet feel of her walls. He swallowed, and for the first time in his life, he questioned his self-control, wondering how long he could hold out. If this was how tight she felt around his fingers, how magnificent would she feel around his cock? At this point he was hard to the point where it was painful.

"You're so wet for me," he continued, still stroking her, feeling her hips begin to move in rhythm with his fingers. "Are you really that anxious for me to take you?"

Sakura had just lost it. She had no idea how to respond to his vulgarity. She strongly disliked coarse men, even her boys kept their coarse behaviours at bay when around her, due to a healthy fear of her fists, but Itachi was just so fucking hot when he swore like that. Was it perhaps because he was always so polite and polished that she never expected it?

Having nothing to tell him, she responded by hooking her thumbs into the waistband of his jeans and tugging downwards. He understood her intention and never objected. He shifted his hips so that she could slide his jeans down his muscular things, and when they were low enough, he kicked them off. His cock then sprung out, no longer constricted by his pants, and her eyes widened a little at actually seeing his size. Realising that she was staring, (oh, she could just _hear_ his smirk. His cockiness, though more or less justified, was getting to her. Also, the pun was not intended. She blushed inwardly when her inner started giggling) she removed her own panties, and then placed her hands over his shoulders when they were both nude.

"Ride me," he demanded quietly, his voice rough, husky and an octave lower. Sakura raised herself over him, and she whimpered when his tip came into contact with her entrance. He has his hands on her hips, and he slowly lowered her onto his cock, breathing through his nose and biting his lip to hold in his moan as her walls covered him.

She was magnificent. _Utterly magnificent._

Sakura raised herself slowly, before sinking back onto him, her hollers of pleasure probably waking up the village. She never knew pleasure could be this intense. She never remembered feeling anything like this that one awkward night with Naruto. A liquid heat begun building at the base of her stomach, and she knew it was coming. She wanted to go harder, faster, but Itachi's hands on her controlled her pace. At this rate, she was going to just _die._ How could he be so composed goddammit?!

Contrary to her belief, Itachi was also losing it. He was only refraining from yelling out in pleasure himself, with his face buried in her neck. His breathing was rugged, and he was panting, as his little woman rode him, and she rode him hard. He could tell that she was about to reach her climax, but she would do it on _his _terms. He promised her that she would enjoy his lovemaking. He would see to it.

Sakura's eyes rolled to the back of her head, her vision coloured by white spots. She let out one last yell as she achieved orgasm, and rode on the waves of pleasure. Itachi, feeling her tighten even more around his cock, almost as if _demanding _his seed. When she fell on his that final time, he thrust once upwards, hitting a spot she couldn't reach. Her voice was hoarse from all the yelling. He thrust his hips upwards again, and then he found his release, spilling his essence inside her. With one last thrust, he let out a growl, and last sigh, before wrapping his arms around her and carelessly falling backwards onto the bed. He rolled to his side, and Sakura cuddled closer to him, placing both her hands tenderly on his chest.

They slowly calmed down, regulating their breathing. "Thank you," she whispered, peeping at him from her bangs, then blushing again when she saw his tired smirk.

"You're very welcome, little one. I must say, I quite enjoyed myself," he responded, tenderly brushing her hair from her face.

She yawned before talking. "Goodnight, Ita-kun," she whispered.

"Goodnight, koishii,"he responded, a genuine smile, for the first time in years, on his face.

**Am I perv for enjoying writing this? I am? Okay. Carry on then. **


	20. Chapter 20

**Funny Fates 20.**

Oh Kami-sama why is my bed so _gloriously _warm? I really don't wanna get up, but alas, duty calls.

I tried to stretch, but I was being blocked by something behind me from doing so fully. A powerful arm was wrapped around my waist, and when I glanced down, I was promptly reminded that I was naked. A blush quickly covered my features when I realised _why _I was, in fact, naked. Aforementioned arm around my waist tightened, and I suddenly realised why I was so, so comfortable. There was a very warm, very muscular, very _male _body behind me. Said body was equally as nude as I was, and oh dear Kami-sama how the hell was I going to face everyone today when they went into my room and noticed that I wasn't there.

What if news of my shenanigans reached Ame before me?

I also had to worry about how I'd untangle myself from Itachi's…embrace. We both really needed to get up and go to Mizukage-sama's office. We had some spies to interrogate.

"Itachi," I murmured, sighing when he refused to loosed his hold. I winced inwardly at how hoarse my voice was. Considering all the yelling I'd done last night I really shouldn't be shocked. "I think it's time we got up. Mizukage-sama, Ao-san and Chou are waiting for us. We need to interrogate those guys-"

My thought processes promptly ceased when he shifted his gloriously nude body against mine and dipped his face into my neck, placing a hot open-mouthed kiss right where my pulse was. A familiar warm sensation in my belly started bubbling up again, and I instinctively tightened my legs together. Jesus Christ this _man _had such an effect on me_…_

"Do we particularly have to get up at this hour? I can send a crow to Mei-sama and request her to postpone this until the afternoon. I was quite beginning to enjoy the feel of your naked body against mine," he murmured quietly, his lilting tenor husky.

I swallowed. I'd hang around pervs enough (Kakashi-sensei used to make me read to him _Icha Icha _as punishment if I misbehaved back when he was training us to be ANBU. Which teacher asks their student to read them _porn _as punishment?!) to know where this was going. He was not intending to just lie around here and talk throughout the morning. He had every single intention of continuing last night's activities. I, on the other hand, was sore as hell. I even lost count of how many times he brought me to orgasm the previous night. What I'm very well aware of is that Uchiha Itachi is _insatiable._

That, and he is a phenomenal lover. Oh dear Kami-sama the man can shag a woman senseless. I'm not complaining though. What woman doesn't love some good cock?

Dear Lord did I just _say _that?! What am I _becoming?! _This is all Sasuke and Naruto's fault. My inner begun cackling, but I shoved her into a darker part of my mind.

I was brought back to the present by Itachi shifting slightly again, his shaft beginning to harden on my bum. I _swear _he was doing it deliberately.

Oh boy…

I never liked to use my strength in anything outside combat, but this was not going end very appropriately if I didn't do something. I yanked his arm off me and clumsily, but quickly scrambled out of bed. My face reddened again when my skin registered the immediate change in temperature, and I was promptly reminded of my appalling lack of modesty. Grabbing the first article of clothing that could cover most of me up, I quickly put it on before jumping up to standing position again to face him.

Said article of clothing was a bit big, particularly around the shoulders, and it had the distinct masculine scent of rainwater and pine.

I had put on _his _shirt.

Turning around to face him and bring about a semblance of order (we were _still _on a mission after all), the words disappeared from my brain at the sight my poor eyes were assaulted with.

He was lying right there on the bed, his lean, sinfully male body stretched out and comfortable, completely and totally at ease with his nude form, his arm supporting his head, his hair handsomely tousled and falling around his face and shoulders. He locked gazes with me and held, and as my face got redder (something I thought an impossibility) those sensual lips of his curved into that _infuriatingly _sexy smirk he was well known for.

Oh Lord, _dear Lord _just save me now_._

My mouth went dry, and I think I was beginning to hyperventilate. Even my inner, for once, was at a loss of words.

"I quite never got the chance to tell you how beautiful you are last night," he said quietly, the sincerity in his voice very distinct. "I was overwhelmed by the fact that you allowed me to indulge myself in you. I see why Tsunade-sama chose you as her apprentice. You are a rather phenomenal young woman, Sakura."

As my mouth was still rediscovering the great wonders of speech, I saw his smirk had widened into a small, sincere smile. It was then that with a clear mind I realised just how _handsome _he was when he showed such positive, _real_ emotion.

"Thank you," I responded, with my own smile and a slight blush. "We need to get going though, so I'll go take a shower first. I won't be long."

I paused, remembering that this was not my room. Scratching the back of my head awkwardly, I turned back to him. "Scratch that. Let's just meet outside the Mizukage admin building in about an hour or so." Before I could further embarrass myself, I teleported myself out of there to my room.

…

My facial muscles were probably going to wear out very soon. My eyebrow had been twitching continuously for the past fifteen minutes or so.

"Sakura-chan darling, I know you're Tsunade's apprentice and all, but really, you just had to inherit her vocal cords as well, didn't you? About quarter the village heard your pleasured screams yesterday, and I think you gave Ao nightmares too. He hasn't gotten laid in a few years," Mei-sama said sweetly, her full lips curved into the most mischievous smirk yet. Freaking Choujirou was sniggering-_sniggering-_goddamit.

"How long has it been since _you _got laid, Mei-sama?" I asked, smiling sweetly, the irritation blatantly obvious in my voice.

"Not quite long ago, actually," she looked away, musing. "In fact it was actually-"

"Save it. I really don't want to know."

"Amusing as this is, Mizukage-sama, I believe we have other much more important things to discuss and complete today," Itachi interrupted calmly, his face as stoic as it normally was.

"I suppose. Very well Ao, what do you have for us?" Mizukage-sama asked, the light teasing in her voice gone replaced by a seriousness that I had quite never heard.

"We know who our moles are. As Mizukage-sama stated, it is confirmed that though they are not very high up in the hierarchy, they are subordinates of some high ranking members of our Black Ops. One of them is in our Torture and Interrogation Unit, and the building they are based in is where our more important information is kept. Would you like to have a word with them? We can lead them to a secure room where you can resort to much more…radical measures if they refuse to corporate with you," Ao said, flipping through some papers as he did so.

Itachi nodded once, and the next moment we were being led down the hall towards a different room. Before we entered, Itachi activated a strong genjutsu around the room, and slowly got in. I followed him inside, but I was to speak first. That was the plan.

The room was dark and a little intimidating. Before anyone could switch on the lights, I caught a kunai that was aimed for the back of my head between my fingers, just a few millimetres before it struck. I smirked. These guys knew we were here; they knew what we were here for and they did not like it.

Choujirou put the lights on, and I saw Itachi twisting a shuriken between his long, slender fingers, a shuriken that did _not _look like standard issue Konoha weaponry.

Well, this was getting rather interesting now, wasn't it?

"I suppose none of you is the pleasantries type, so just I'll get straight to the point," I said, looking straight at the kunoichi in front of me, whose hazel eyes were glaring hell fire and brimstone at me. "Is any of you being controlled by any genjutsu in any way, shape or form?"

Normally, the funny thing with genjutsu is that you _know _you're being controlled, but there's almost absolutely _nothing _you can do about it. It's almost always a psychological game of constant mind-fucks, particularly when you're dealing with doujutsu type genjutsu; in this case a sharingan. It's almost impossible to break out of it on your own, because your senses are being manipulated. You must depend on someone else to do it for you, _if _they notice it before you do something drastic.

There are some exceptions to this of course. Doujutsu users, particularly eye doujutsu users like the Uchiha with their sharingan and the Hyuuga with their Byakugan can almost never be caught in a genjutsu since they can see it coming. According to Tsunade Shishou, individuals that have reached the ultimate levels of these techniques, like Neji and Hiyashi-sama, Hinata's father and head of the Hyuuga clan, and Madara of the Uchiha clan are totally immune to genjutsu.

Talk about overpowered. No wonder half the Uchiha Clan was busy going blind, whereas the other half could never reach the potential they probably had.

"Not at all," a voice behind me stated, calm and collected. "What reason, may I ask, do we need to be controlled by a genjutsu, Sakura-san?"

I smirked. First name, basis, huh? I'm cool with that.

"Well, good sir," I responded, spinning back to face the shinobi that had spoken to me. "A little birdie told me and my senpai here," I nodded towards Itachi, "that you guys have been feeding some very important information to the rogue administration of Konoha. This has put Mizukage and her colleagues in a bit of a pickle really, because trying to run a shinobi village with a three hundred year old nagging man and an equally whiny asshole breathing down your neck is quite the task."

The kunoichi with the (admittedly) gorgeous hazel eyes exploded. "Is he really your _senpai, _what with all the screams we had last night?" she spat, jealous venom dripping from every word.

"Oh no she didn't," Chouji exclaimed dramatically, him Mizukage-sama gleefully looking from me to her, obviously much more entertained than they should be at how this conversation was going. I saw Ao facepalm from the corner of my eye, and Itachi remained his calm, stoic self.

I sighed. Priorities, Kiri. Priorities.

"In more ways than one, yes. Does it really bother you that much? I mean, if I was stuck with shinobi-san here," I nodded towards her pal, "I'd be pretty salty myself. He's not exactly the most, hmm…how to put it, _visually appealing _guy to be honest," I responded, smiling sweetly to emphasise my utter bitchiness.

"Oh, _SNAP,_" Mizukage-sama screeched, high-fiving with Choujirou.

Where the hell was this administrations _priorities?_

"Back to the topic at hand, if you don't mind?" Ao stated, with more than just a little irritation in his voice.

"Alright," I started again. "Why then, are you collaborating with Uchiha Madara and Shimura Danzou?"

The shinobi, who seemed to be the leader of this lot, simply smirked. "Because he's the most powerful being alive at the moment. The faster we get rid of all you useless kage, the faster I'll rise to be the powerful being I'm destined to be. Together, under the great Madara-sama, we will lead this shinobi world to a transcendent-"

"Okay, thanks for the grandiose speech dude. You most definitely are _not _being controlled by a genjustsu. Really, even Madara's not _that _corny. Secondly, I strongly doubt you know what the hell you're going on about, or _who _the hell you're talking about to be specific, so it's alright," I interrupted, not in the mood of hearing such ridiculousness. I had a three day trip back to Ame after this. I needed some semblance of sanity to travel.

"Do not patronise us," another kunoichi spoke.

I turned to look at her, my expression serious. Some shock registered on her features when she could tell I wasn't fucking around. "I'm not. You don't know who Uchiha Madara is. If you expect to wield any kind of power, you're in for a very unpleasant surprise."

"Why the fuck should we believe you?" The hazel-eyed one snarled. I could see she only just refrained from using some form of profanity or other. Why did she hate me so much?

"She is right," Itachi begun, his calm, lilting tenor filling the room. "Uchiha Madara is no man. There is no entity evil enough to describe him. He will use you until he deems your usefulness to be over, and then he will eliminate you. As far as he's concerned, your job is to overthrow Mei-sama and plunge Kiri into chaos, so that he can come and save you, become the hero that the village was waiting for. Once you have completed your duty, he will annihilate you. He shares power with no one."

He casually lifted himself off the wall he was leaning on, and flung the kunai back to the shinobi, missing his eye by millimetres so that it just grazed his skin enough to leave a thin trace of blood at the very edge of his head. The guy gulped.

Everyone else was holding in their breaths. He had deliberately misaimed, so that he couldn't injure him. "It's rather unfortunate that you are in too deep to leave at this point in time. Your fate is sealed. Rest assured, nonetheless, that the _real _Konoha administration will be keeping an eye on you. If you _dare _put any of our precious allies _or _village in the line of Madara's fire…"

He didn't finish his statement. Instead he looked at all these rogues, and slowly, deliberately, in a show of total intimidation, activated his sharingan. Crimson bled into midnight blue, and his pupil split up and became the three tomoe that was the trademark of the sharingan. He never stopped there however. The tomoe became sharper, bladed and slowly developed into the infamous Mangekyou sharingan.

Everyone in the room was in terrified awe. Our moles were sweating. Everyone had heard of the sharingan, but very few people had actually _seen _it. It was a very scary prospect, knowing that a human being can just decimate you with a single glance.

He blinked once, and just like that, his eyes were midnight blue again. In a split second, he had deactivated it. Now _that _was a master of the sharingan.

"Mizukage-sama, I belive it's time to leave," Itachi stated, his voice as indifferent as it ever was. Sounlessly, we left the room, leaving those guys to stew on what they'd just seen and heard.

A confrontation was coming, and I can't really say I was looking forward to it.


	21. Chapter 21

**Funny fates 21.**

The fates were at it again. I had long already given up on trying to find out what I had done previously to wrong them so extremely that they kept fucking up my current day to day life.

I had learnt quite a bit on my journey to and from Kiri these past few weeks, more so about Konoha's relationship with the Uchiha Clan. I more or less knew at the back of my mind that my inappropriate activities with one (informal…?) aforementioned clan heir would very probably reach Ame well before I did, because such was the nature of the shinobi world, but I suppose I hadn't really accepted it.

The array of facial expressions, therefore, that greeted Itachi and I when we arrived, ranging from shock, indifference, grudging acceptance, humour, admiration, and of course, rage, reminded me that missing nin or not Konoha Shinobi would _always _remainthe same.

"TEEEEMEEEEEEEEEEE," Naruto yelled, blue eyes narrowed with undisguised fury as one of his clones created a rasengan on his palm. Before it was even fully complete he was already sprinting in our general direction, with the delusional thought that he even had a chance of landing it. At the very last second, Itachi gracefully side-stepped him, causing Naruto to somewhat harmlessly fly past and into a few trees behind him. A barrage of expletives loud enough to be heard from the trunks he buried in followed that would make the Hyuuga Clan matriarch faint.

I raised an eyebrow. I had no idea Naruto was that crude. He'd been hanging around Hidan too much, it seemed.

"Did he force you?" Shishou grumbled, eyeing Itachi up and down as if contemplating to punch him into a dark-haired, indifferent pulp.

I _refused_ to blush. "No."

"Did he seduce you?" Kakashi-sensei asked casually, flipping a page of his porn. He probably saw this coming. He _is _a genius after all.

The blush happened, against my internal struggle to contain it. "Yes."

"Did you _enjoy_ it?" Shisui asked in a sing song voice. My eyes narrowed.

I calmly picked up a small pebble and lacing it with some chakra, flicked it in his general direction. It hit him on the forehead and he flew some ten or so feet backwards. I smiled sweetly at him, noting with sadistic satisfaction that his head was already pounding from the inside out. "Yes," I yelled, my sadistic amusement increasing when I saw him wince followed by a grumble along the lines of extensive vocal cords.

"Why so soon, though?" Pein asked, sending a sly smirk to both of us, causing me to blush even harder. Konan tried (and failed) to stifle her giggle. My eyes narrowed further. I didn't like where this was going.

Itachi returned Pein's sly smirk. "First of all, she is _mine. _Secondly, I knew we wouldn't have a chance to…indulge in each other once we came back."

Well…quite the choice of words there. Indulge in each other indeed.

"About time, too. At the rate the sexual tension was building up between the two of you, I was almost requesting Godaime here to medically deal with both of you," Sasori noted, calmly sipping his coffee, brown eyes shining with revelry.

Sasuke, also blushing as furiously as I was, simply sent a dark glare at Itachi, which he ignored. I opened my mouth to say something, but the narrowing of his sharingan'd eyes promptly informed me that he did not even want to hear it. I couldn't really blame him though. In his position I'd be as embarrassed and furious as he was. His older (_hotter_) brother had just screwed the ever living shit out of one of his best friends and teammate. How the hell do you deal with that kind of awkward situation?

I suddenly noticed Konan walking away, a slight bounce in her step. I also noticed that the infirmary wall was fixed, no doubt Diedara's handy work. What?!

My eyes widened as it dawned on me.

"KONAN!?" I screeched in indignation, much to Pein and Shisui's complete amusement.

I looked up the heavens. Why, fates? _Why?!_

…

She did it. _She was behind it all, _the conniving _bitch._

"Well, she did get you there, hands down," Kurenai-sensei said, smirking at me as she coaxed little Roku to sleep.

"You didn't stop her? Why?" I whined, still not very sure what emotion I was experiencing.

"Because we all knew it would work. You noticed Shizune, Tsunade-sama and Kakashi, three very dangerous shinobi to cross and the most over-protective people concerning you here didn't do anything about it."

Remember all those months ago when I broke the wall of the infirmary which Pein refused to have Diedara fix and _made _me…cohabit with Itachi? Well, Konan was very intent on having Itachi and me hook up so that the multiplication of the Uchiha Clan can be guaranteed, so she came up with the brilliant idea that Pein shouldn't fix that bloody wall and demand that I stay with Itachi 'until further notice'.

Ha, until further notice indeed. I swear Konan is the she-devil herself. What the fuck?!

Naruto and Sasuke, on the other hand, had totally refused to talk to me. There was no way in hell they could beat up Itachi because of how powerful he was, so they settled on sulking instead like a bunch of overgrown spoilt brats. At this point in time there were other much more important things to deal with and I really didn't have the mental energy to deal with them. It's not like it was my fault. I was entirely helpless in this situation. The Fates were conniving with Konan, goddammit.

"Yo, Kisame," I asked when I spotted him in the kitchen. "Have you seen Shisui? I wanna talk to him."

"Go check out the training grounds. He was trying some stuff out with Kakuzu."

"Thanks," I said, as I sprinted towards the training grounds.

When I got there, it looked almost as bad as when Shishou and I do taijutsu training. Deidara, who has rather large chakra reserves almost always collapses in near exhaustion restoring the grounds to what they once were.

"Deidara's not gonna be happy about this," I muttered, looking around at the extent of the destruction, no doubt Kakuzu and his million souls' work.

"He's gonna have to take it up with Pein," Shisui retorted, panting.

"Anyway, Shisui, I need to talk to you. Got some time?"

"Yeah, sure. Can I just go shower first? I feel like shit." He sniffed his armpit, causing me to cringe. Boys can be so _yucky_. "Smell like shit too."

"I'll meet you in the sitting room," I muttered, still cringing in disgust. How can you just lift up your arm and _sniff_ yourself? I doubt even cavemen did that kind of uncouth stuff.

Forty five minutes found both of us in the sitting room. One look at the look on my face and Shisui became much more sedate than usual.

Goofiness might have skipped a generation or two in the Uchiha clan, but perception for sure did not.

"I need to talk to you about some stuff. It's a little private, I suppose, which is why I don't really want anyone else to listen in."

He eyed me intensely. "Itachi-chan took you there, didn't he?"

Yep. Perception definitely never skipped a single generation of the Uchiha clan. I nodded in response to his question.

"Did he tell you everything?"

I nodded again.

"Very well," he said, his voice betraying nothing. "Ask your questions."

"Where were you guys when Madara infiltrated Konoha to annihilate your clan?" I murmured quietly.

Shisui sighed, then swallowed heavily.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out quickly upon realising that I'd brought back memories he'd rather not remember. "It's okay if you don't wanna talk about it."

He looked at me and half-smiled, half-smirked that sad, _sad _expression like Itachi's. I'd never quite realised just how good-looking he was until now.

"No, kid. It's okay. I need to talk about it. Bottling it is isn't healthy." He sighed again, much more shakily this time.

"We were sent out on a mission. It was a recon to go talk to one of Jiraiya-sama's toads, but Yondaime was rather vague about the details. Itachi-chan was immediately suspicious because he and I, being high calibre ANBU operatives were almost never sent on missions together. I suppose he knew Madara would attack then, and strong as we were we would most definitely fall to his blade. He needed an excuse to get us out of the village ASAP, and this mission was the best one. Sasuke-chan was easy to hide, being genin and all. I'm still not sure whether my and their parents were dead yet by the time Madara got to Konoha since they had left Konoha earlier on, but when we found them they were already destroyed. Turns out they were going to give Tsunade-sama the Uchiha tome to hide it from Madara. Luckily for us, they succeeded."

His voice held that same sad, regretful quality Itachi's had a few days ago. It as well never faltered, cracked or wavered. It was clear and quiet, and significantly lower.

"We got to the place and found Gamahiro. He simply handed us a note left by Jiraiya-sama and disappeared, and it was obvious he had strict instructions not to say anything. The note was from the clan head and chichi-ue. It explained the tome and instructions for Itachi-chan and I to master the katon techniques in there, as well as the explanation about Madara, Konoha and our clan. It ended with them, Yondaime and Sandaime apologising for not being able to protect us, but the sanin would always have our backs. They even gave us the background story about us committing our clan's genocide to keep the Konoha Council off our backs for the time being until shit got sorted out. We later on encountered the Akatsuki, and Pein took us in. Probably by then he was already secretly working with Jiraiya-sama and an indirect ally of Hokage-sama and Konoha, but who knows what goes on in his head?"

He laughed quietly, sadly at that.

"What about the tome?" I asked, only just refraining from pulling him into my arms for an embrace.

He shrugged one shoulder. "We found it and mastered the katon techniques. Some of them are rather complex, but we're Uchiha. Itachi-chan mastered his Eternal Mangekyou about a year and a half after we joined Akatsuki. I just recently mastered mine, about the time you joined us. Sasuke-chan is gonna start his training real soon, probably tomorrow. No way in hell he's gonna master it by the time we go to full war, but we are _sure _he'll be able to activate it, and that's our goal, I suppose. He'll get the katon techniques in a month tops. Naruto's subjugated the kyuubi, you're really strong too, we need Sasuke to be on par with you guys if we're to defeat Madara."

At mentioning my ability my eyes narrowed imperceptibly. Did he know that I was capable of activating my hyakugou? As I was busy contemplating this, he laughed quietly again.

"I'm an Uchiha you know. I can't study your chakra flow, but I can tell where it's heavily concentrated. You most definitely can activate your hyakugou, because you have the exact same chakra concentration on your forehead as Tsunade-sama."

My eyes widened in shock. Did Itachi and Sasuke know too?

"Only Itachi-chan, Kakashi, Shizune and myself know, so don't get your panties in a knot, kiddo." He suddenly smirked mischievously. "Considering how massive your forehead is, isn't the diamond thingy supposed to be wider so that it doesn't look ridiculous when you actually activate it?"

Smiling sweetly, I flicked his forehead with my middle finger and he flew from the sitting room through the dining room into the kitchen. His rough collision with the island is what stopped his further momentum. I'd used just enough strength to make sure he wouldn't destroy anything.

Suddenly, I felt a strong, menacing pattern. It was as if this shinobi just _reeked _of death, violence and destruction. It was _ridiculously _strong, and I knew that if I was a lesser kunoichi I'd have collapsed. Itachi and Pein immediately appeared, kekkei genkai activated and ready for combat.

"Well fuck," Jiraiya-sama muttered, the _first _time I'd ever heard him curse.

"Shishou," I asked the moment she appeared to Itachi's left. "What is going on?"

"Uchiha Madara is here."

**Cliffy bitches. Beg me to continue this. BEG ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA *cough* *cough* *hack* *cough* *clears throat***


	22. Chapter 22

**Hey, guys, manga is a bad, bad thing. My boyfriend got me hard copies of Rurouni Kenshin manga, the first anime I ever watched and the first manga I ever read and my favourite Japanese animation of all time and then I rekindled my obsession with Shinomori Aoshi. School too. That's annoying. And holidays. Those are alright. But yeah, I'm around.**

**Funny Fates 22.**

What was this man? Was he human?

Uchiha Madara was standing on a tree branch, looking down at us, condescending smirk in place. Despite his old, _old _age, he was still quite attractive. He was an Uchiha after all.

"Well, well, brats. It has been a while, hasn't it?" he asked, his voice somewhere between a baritone and a tenor.

Against my better judgement, and the judgement of everyone else around, I raised an eyebrow. Right on cue, Shishou snapped her head in my direction, and I could feel more than see her deathly glare. She was silently telling me to not say anything, not to even _dare, _but I inherited _all _of her bad habits, including an occasional appalling lack of self-preservation.

Okay, maybe some of the lack of self-preservation was from Naruto and Kakashi-sensei, but I still say most of it was from her.

"Uchiha Madara, isn't it?" I asked, my eyebrow still raised in a mixture of amusement and mockery. "I must say it's quite a pleasure to be finally graced with your presence, menacing, dark and evil as it is. At least I can now say that I have had the misfortune of seeing one of the most powerful entities in shinobi history. Quite honoured, really," I stated, smiling sweetly.

Madara's deathly glare turned to me, those deep, rich crimson eyes looking right at me. At that moment, an intimidation I had never experienced gripped me, right to the depths of my humanity. I was _terrified, _but I was _not _going to back down. Shishou taught me better, and if shit got out of hand, I had back up.

"This is your apprentice, Tsunade?" he asked, voice calm, though I'd hang around Uchiha long enough to know that he was slowly getting irritated.

Shishou inclined her head to me. "Ask her. I'm sure she has just proven that she can communicate with you."

Again he looked at me. I swallowed, and in a split second, Kakashi-sensei and Itachi had appeared in front of me. That was enough time for me to recover myself. My allies and friends and comrades were here. No harm would befall me. They would see to that. I took in a few deep breathes, recovering my courage.

"Oi," I said, watching the two tall men in front of me. "You're blocking the view. I wanna talk to Madara-_sama_."

From the corner of my eye, I could see Shisui struggle not to laugh. I really needed to stop this. It was very unhealthy for my physical well-being, but it was so _fun._

"Like your mentor here, you seem to have an appalling lack of respect for your elders, _brat,_" he snarled.

"Not really, I choose to call it selective respect. For example, I respect Shishou and Jiraiya-sama and sometimes Pein coz they are awesome. However, I disrespect you coz you're an asshole. See? Selective, and for good reason too."

Naruto actually giggled, and Sasuke was biting his lip in an attempt to stop himself from laughing out loud.

Kakuzu looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "Sometimes Pein?"

I looked at him and rolled my eyes. I did respect Pein a lot, but that was not the point of the conversation.

This was another thing that marvelled me about the Akatsuki. There was a possibility Uchiha Madara could wipe us all out in less than a minute, and were here casually having conversations on whom we accord what degree of respect.

"What can we help you with this fine day, Madara?" Pein asked, his calm voice bringing a semblance of order back to this meeting.

The smirk was back in place. "I came to see how your rag-tag team of rejects is doing, Pein. I also thought it would be rather polite to remind you that I'm still around and I won't be going anywhere soon. None of you is powerful enough to stop me. No matter how hard you try. I will conquer this world with my eternal tsukiyomi."

I was opening my mouth to retort on behalf of the group, but instead I heard a calm baritone; exceptionally mocking and disrespectful too.

"For an Uchiha you do talk quite a bit. According to Konoha's history, your clan are feared because of their immense intellect and their kekkei genkai, which work very well together. Logically, that makes sense, because to master a keekei genkai, you need to have immense intellect. You, however, seem to have quite a little of the former, which makes me question how you managed to master your sharingan. Perhaps you were just extremely lucky, and in exchange of all that luck being centred on one person, the wrong person, in my humble opinion, the downside was a major catastrophe to the rest of your clan, which, unfortunately spilled over to your village, and one which you caused."

I must admit I was a little shocked when I heard Sasori speak. I always was. He was one of the most brilliant shinobi, in terms of sheer intellect, that I'd ever met. He may even be categorised as a genius. He normally has a dry, sarcastic tone of voice, but that could be attributed to his slow and meticulous way of speaking.

This time, however, his half-lidded, droopy gaze was concentrated right at Madara, his head slightly inclined, brown eyes unwavering as they looked right at Madara's sharingan. He was speaking in a much slower, deliberate and ironic way, not even bothering to hide his blatant disrespect and condescending manner to _one of the most powerful shinobi to ever exist._

Madara stood straighter at his full height and looked down at Sasori in a full attempt at intimidation. Sasori's prompt smirk indicated that he did not feel intimidated at all.

It seemed I wasn't the only one with a death wish.

"Quite a pity, Akasuna no Sasori. You intellect is second only to Itachi's and Pein's, and I would be quite honoured to have you on my side. You, however, choose to remain on the side of losers. Rather unfortunate that you're wasting yourself," Madara said calmly.

I had noticed he had chosen to ignore the barb about him being not as intelligent as history had put him out to be. Considering how proud Uchiha generally were, it must have taken a monumental amount of self-control not to comment on it, because it was no secret that Uchiha Madara was one of the most intelligent shinobi to ever live.

"Am I now? I must beg to differ, Madara. _You _are the one on the side of the losers, I'm afraid. I'm not the one that ran out on my village because I did not want to share power with anyone. I'm not the one that eventually ended up massacring my entire clan because I was scared they would find and get rid of me for betraying them. I'm not the one that was, and still is, for that matter, too much of a _coward _that I cannot interact and work with independent, objective, intelligent people."

Madara was otherwise unmoved, but I'm sure being very competent shinobi we call caught the imperceptible narrowing of his eyes. Sasori, nonetheless, continued.

"You need weak-willed people, people you can control. You _must _be in control at all times, because if you are not, someone might come after you. Despite all your power, might and intellect, you are still _scared. _You're still a coward and that speaks a lot about the kind of man that you are. Let me assure you right here, right now, Madara. It's not the old guard you should be scared of. Not the Sannin, or Hidan, Kakuzu or myself. Perhaps you should be weary of Kakashi, Pein and their lot, but they won't be your downfall. This young lot here," he spread his arm towards us. "These kids, led by Uchiha Shisui and his cousin, Itachi. _These _are the ones you should be scared of. They may lack your experience in fighting and wars, but they more than make up for it in raw power, exceptional intellect and brilliant skill. Considerably more than yours when combined. They will utterly and completely annihilate you, and the fact that you underestimate them so will make your humiliation all the worse." Sasori finished.

"Be careful, Madara. You have fought many wars, lost many of them as well and survived. You have adapted and been able to keep up with the times. For that I applaud you, but your time is almost up. You have been a threat to the stability of the shinobi world for far too long, and your time is almost running out. After all, even luck cannot go on forever."

Madara, voice deadly quiet, asked "How sure are you, Sasori?"

Sasori, face as blank as paper, responded "One hundred percent sure. Your time has come."

Suddenly, Madara smirked, and I knew what was coming. Before he could even open his mouth, it begun.

I concentrated my chakra towards my forehead, and I felt it rushing there, through my chakra patterns. I felt a slight tingling, before the purple diamond formed on my head. My Hyakugou was fully formed and completed, the pinnacle of chakra control. It had taken me a grand total of two years to master it. With it, I could control my chakra so accurately, it could not be wasted. Not one bit.

To my left Naruto was changing as well. His eyes became slits, his canines becoming sharper and his nails were turning into claws. His ears also became more pointed, his spiky, blond hair standing on end. The whiskers on his cheeks became more pronounced and there was a considerable amount of controlled killing intent emanating from him.

I smirked when I saw something of shock register on Madara's face. His shock became significantly more pronounced when Kurama actually spoke to him.

"Madara. How are you? Been quite a while hasn't it? How have you spent the last five or six decades? Still running around looking for ways to instigate more conflict to cause instability?" Kurama growled, smirking.

"Kyuubi," Madara responded, his voice calm. "How did that brat manage to subjugate you?"

"Hmph," Kurama gunted, slightly amused. "He's a special kid, Naruto. He's had so much going on in his short life, and he has still ploughed on. He has never given up on anything. Not on life, not on hope, not on his colleagues. He has _never given up on anything. _How can I bring myself to fight such an extraordinary individual for too long? Quite the opposite of you really. Once things never went your way you promptly gave up on the situation and turned tail. If only I could not have allowed myself to be controlled by those eyes of yours for a little longer, perhaps then Yondaime could have saved me from you. But alas, everyone makes mistakes, isn't it?"

"So you allowed yourself to be subjugated by _him?" _Madara yelled, losing the trademark Uchiha self-control and pointing a shaking finger at Naruto.

Kurama _laughed. _He actually laughed.Loud howls of laughter. Naruto's physical being had actually bent over, clutching his stomach because Kurama, the Kyuubi, was laughing. I never thought I'd ever live to see something like this. The kyuubi was laughing.

"Yes, Madara. I _chose_ to allow myself to be subjugated by this kid. He trusts my ability to help him help others so fully, he never even questioned or thought twice about having to share his body. He's not my _vessel _any more, Madara. He's my _comrade. _Together with the Godaime and her crew, we _will _wreck you. I will see to it that I will witness your death."

Madara then turned to me. He seemed to have regained control of himself, for he was calm once again.

"Hyakugou. The pinnacle of chakra control. Even Senju Hashirama, the most powerful shinobi I ever fought against did not have such accurate control of his chakra."

I schooled my features into blank indifference. Had we not been in this situation, Sasuke would have smirked and inclined his head in approval. He had taught me well.

"Shodai-sama quite never had the chakra control Shishou did. We've all heard of tales of his sheer ability as a shinobi and a leader. One cannot be blessed with everything. He was, arguably the most powerful member of the Senju Clan, as you are of the Uchiha. There is probably never going to be a Senju as powerful as he, seeing as Shishou is the last of the Senju. The Uchiha, however, is a different story altogether." I glanced at Itachi, Shisui and Sasuke. None of them looked back.

I looked back at Madara and raised an eyebrow for good measure.

"Look at how much power these youngins wield, Madara," Kakashi-sensei stated, nodding at Naruto and myself. "The moment you arrive in Konoha, sit down as ask yourself how much power your descendants here have." At that point, he nodded towards Itachi, Shisui and Sasuke.

"Finally, you can contemplate how much chaos they can cause when they come together. Keep in mind you have not contemplated Akatsuki and the rest of Tsunade-sama'a allies. Just these five young adults." He finished, turning his lazy gaze towards Madara.

"Don't forget the Rinnengan, Madara-_sama_," Sasori drawled, before promptly turning around and walking away, waving his hand casually. "Remember my warning. You have a lot more on your plate than you ever bargained for."

"Bring it, Madara. _Bring it," _Shishou taunted. Just then, Uchiha Madara, the most powerful shinobi alive, disappeared, and with him, his disturbingly powerful chakra pattern.


End file.
